How old were you when you were allowed to say you didn't want to go to your nasty parent's house for contact?

[OhioOhioOhio]

Especially if there was a court order?

[NeverTwerkNaked]

DS started refusing age 9 and the judge was pretty clear that his wishes would be respected

But it does depend on a lot of different factors.

[OhioOhioOhio]

Thank you. How did you prove it to the judge?

[chocolatespiders]

I would hope by age 10 a child would be listened to if not before

[coulddowithashag]

You get the child to write a letter to the judge/court saying what their wishes and feeling are and what they would like to happen.

[OhioOhioOhio]

If the children tell the pig parent and he accepts it and doesn't come and see them anymore? Does the court order still stand?

[OhioOhioOhio]

Really they have to see him enough that writing the letter is a better option to them than hurting his feelings?

[coulddowithashag]

I am not even sure what you are asking 🤷‍♀️

[OhioOhioOhio]

I guess the least painful way of stopping my kids having to endure their narc/oppresive/cruel father?

[PerditaProvokesEnmity]

Not me, but as far as I remember from relatively recently - about 10 or 11. Cafcass interview the child and relay the information to the relevant parties.

[NeverTwerkNaked]

My son told his head teacher

[StormBaby]

My stepchildren have told CAFCASS, safeguarding at their school, counsellors, all numerous times. Not once has anyone listened. These professionals don't always get it right sadly.

[CelestialSpanking]

I think it helps if someone independent of you and the NRP knows how the child feels. A teacher for example or if they’re having some type of counselling. My children had a social worker in the very beginning (DV) who knew their feelings towards their dad which was handy- although they chose to see him at least at the time.

Has your child said anything specific about not wanting to see his dad? Has he given a specific reason?

[laudete]

If your court order specifies that the parties can vary it, the other parent can accept the child's refusal to see them. Otherwise, you'll likely have to apply to vary the order.

[JessicaDay]

I was seven. First thing I did was tell my dad it was obvious his partner didn’t like me. Nothing changed. Cried to my mum a lot about it so my mum went to her solicitor, who went to court.

Court got a social worker to observe access visits. Social worker said I was clearly being treated differently/less favourably by father and his partner (compared to her children of similar age). It ranged from things like not being given treats/food at the same time, to being told to be quiet or that I was wrong about something or lying when I wasn’t.

She noted that it was very likely to be more pronounced with no observer present so recommended that my wishes be respected.

I had to go to court to be asked what my wishes were in person. I said I didn’t like seeing my dad any more because it was obvious his partner didn’t like me.

The court said that access visits had to continue but only with my dad, I didn’t have to see his partner or go to her home.

My dad didn’t abide by that and took me to her home. Including one incident when he refused to return me at the specified time, even though I was crying to go home to my mum.

My mum had to get my uncle and aunty to go with her to his partner’s house, they said they had come to collect me on behalf of my mum and if he didn’t let me go they would contact the police. My mum couldn’t go on her own as there was a history of domestic violence and she knew going by herself would be a bad idea as well as ineffective. She sat in the car whilst they were at the door.

After that, I didn’t have to see him anymore. That was heartbreaking for me and I was very sad, but I was a lot less scared than when I had to see him and his partner together.

That’s a long time ago so I would hope the process is a bit less daunting and drawn out for children now. It was pretty rough, took about six to nine months and it was very traumatising for me.

[belfastmillie]

That's so sad JessicaDay. I hope the rest of your childhood was less traumatising.

[Moondust001]

Has the child actually said that they don't want to see their parent? How old is the child?

[OhioOhioOhio]

Thank you everyone. They are young, early primary, I'm guessing they'll sort him out themselves because he's basically a ferocious bully. It's picking the pieces up when thry get home. Sorting out their sleep pattern etc. Court feels like so much trouble. Have already been through the system too many times.

[NeverTwerkNaked]

Have you tried therapy for them ?

It really really helped my son build up his sense of resilience and also helped him open up and talk

[OhioOhioOhio]

I'd like to do that. How do you go about it?