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To ask you to tell me good things about moving out of the marital home...

(33 Posts)
Stegasaurusmum Sun 17-May-20 23:29:10

OK... Short story. Unfulfilling marriage, 13 years, 2 DC, primary age. Counselling, 5 to 10 years of niggling unhappiness, attraction to others (me) burying head in sand and shutting down emotionally (him) pouring all our time into beautiful, idyllic, family home (both) whilst ignoring the issues.

I pulled the plug. Feel relieved and guilty. In a drunken moment he thanked me and I think deep down knows its for the best.

However, he's not as far along as me in the process of accepting it.

We had agreed, keep the house, finish the DIY jobs. Lower interest rate going through this month, meaning I could afford the payments alone, in 2 years, reassess, sell if we have to. He'd agreed to rent. I do 90%of childcare and basically he's a 3rd child. We live rurally, he's always refused to learn to drive.. except now he will
Kids to be with me, he's to have all the time he'd like with them here, EOW and at least one night a week with him. He does work 12 hr days and is away for up to a week a month with work though. So it all made sense.
That was a month ago. Since, more ostrich behaviour, doing jobs on the house but asking stuff like, what colour will we decorate this, I'll decorate the bedroom etc... No looking at houses, no noises about moving...
So today I offered to go. I found a rental I can afford. He's agreed. I have said I've no idea how the childcare will work and he's likely to see them less due to location(not me stopping him, but just a fact ) but he's not bothered.
So.
Tell me, good stuff. Please! I'm excited but so so sad to leave, he would have been too..but to be fair, more my house than his, he was barely there.
But there's got to be positives right...

OP’s posts: |
BigBairyHollocks Sun 17-May-20 23:37:36

Well done for being brave enough to do it!So are you moving out with the kids and he’s staying in the house? I am not in the situation myself but can imagine a massive positive of being able to do whatever the heck you want and not being accountable or having to consider him will be amazing!

whydobirds Sun 17-May-20 23:46:05

I did this. It hurt my heart to leave. I loved that house, I loved my garden, in a way he never did. Our dc stayed with him, so that they could still see us both every day. He was never going to move out and I had next to nothing so couldn't afford to rent anywhere big enough for us all. I did all the school pick ups and drop offs every day around work until dc got too old to need/want me to.

8 years on, I'm in a little house that feels like home, and it's really nice to have my own space - when I was married I always felt as though I was encroaching on his. And although this house doesn't have much of a garden, at least it has somewhere to park my car.

My relationship with xh is strong, we are good friends now. We all go on days out as a family of two dc and two co parents, spend Christmases and birthdays together etc. It worked out for the best I think.

Stegasaurusmum Sun 17-May-20 23:46:14

Yeah. I can't leave the kids with him, no way.
5 and 10, he barely interacts with them, when he foes its very fake, he really finds it hard. It'll get better of course, the more he's alone with them.
But... Tonight for example, I asked if he'd signed up for individual counselling to help him. He said no, I don't know the name of our GP.
................
........

What?!?
He's been there. But because it was my job. Nope, not important.

OP’s posts: |
northerngal1982 Sun 17-May-20 23:48:16

I bought all new furniture and stuff (and he was left with the old!). Positive.

Children happier with no bad memories in new house. Positive.

I can do what I like! Positive.

After 6 months my landlord decided to sell so we had to move again. Big fat negative!

Fenlandmountainrescue Sun 17-May-20 23:49:51

Hey there, I left the marital home. It has not been easy but one of the best decisions I ever made. I have been able to choose how I want to live my life. No being told I was crap at things. No hoping for help that wasn’t going to come.

NotaRealLawyer Sun 17-May-20 23:51:41

I wish you well. I think you'll thrive without him and so will the children.
You can do this, it will be tough at first, but it will get easier. flowers

Freddiefox Sun 17-May-20 23:53:02

Go.. my regret was it too so long to make the choice and leave as it felt too big to overcome.
I moved into a rental, it was a bit unloved but it helped me heal so much. My own space for just me and my children.
He stills lives in the old house, and I loved that house, but two year down the road when I go back there to pick up dc’s I feel nothing. No attachment, no sadness.. nothing.
He’s still should have moved out though as it would have been less disruptive.

Stuckfornow Sun 17-May-20 23:54:00

I can’t tell you how it feels yet, I’m moving on Friday, still a bit sad but mostly excited; like your DH he has had his head in the sand for the past 3 months since it was decided, looks like it’s sinking in this week which makes me feel awful because he is very down about it.
No children here thankfully, just a couple of cats that I will miss but they are better off not moving for the time being at least.
I can not wait to have a bedroom to myself!

CayrolBaaaskin Sun 17-May-20 23:56:26

I think the biggest positive has to be that you will be making your own home and own independent future without your dh who sounds utterly infuriating. Good luck.

Stegasaurusmum Sun 17-May-20 23:59:51

@whydobirds that's made me tear up a bit. Yes it would hurt me so much to leave here. But I did look at somewhere today and felt excited.
There's no way the kids could stay with him, or would want to. I also have a good job, I earn well, I have all summer hols etc off... So I get to spend a lot of time with them. So I'd be able to offer him loads of time with them too, I know I'm in a good position.
@northerngal1982 I love our furniture, it's all 50s/mid century stuff... The house is beautiful and quirky and very me. But I'm handy with restoring and upcycling stuff, love a bargain. I'd make a new place my own.
I always felt a bit trapped here. Big mortgage, rural... Beautiful but it meant a lot more responsibility on me to get us everwhere in the car, kids too as they grow up. I know there's positives to being 'in town '
It's all gone tits up since the big renovation projects have ended and its just daily life, me and him, me doing everything and being more overwhelmed and responsible.
Ooh! Weekends to myself, not having to listen to doom death metal!
Doing what I like, laughing with friends without feeling responsible for his unhappiness!

OP’s posts: |
Stegasaurusmum Mon 18-May-20 00:03:31

Thank you all so much. Crying a bit.

@Fenlandmountainrescue yes, definitely resonates with me. Help that didn't come. Till now! In spades! Too late tho...
Also, I have a feeling you may be from where I grew up! My grandad always joked he was in the fenland mountain rescue team, they had weekly training sessions... In the pub. Wouldn't rescue anyone stuck
under 1000ft.. 🤣

OP’s posts: |
Stegasaurusmum Mon 18-May-20 00:07:38

@Stuckfornow oh bless you, good luck. I'm sure they'll be lots of tears but it's for the best. I get it.. He's not sleeping, still has hope, crying (after 20 years of never, I mean never shedding a tear. Not once)

I feel terrible. He's just rolled over, passively accepted it. No fight, no passion. I feel happy, relieved... But also so guilty! When does that stop... Since we stopped having sex, stopped sharing a bed, I feel brilliant, I love my bed to myself, I don't miss him... But he's just not there yet. Maybe it's me that has to be the grown up again. Last time though.

OP’s posts: |
Stegasaurusmum Mon 18-May-20 00:12:06

@Freddiefox thanks. Yes, I think I'm almost more capable of dealing with the disruption than he is... I have long summer hols and I could spend that time finding furniture, I've hot family who would help.. He'd be useless..
I think the house would become a millstone, but it's what I used to justify staying I think. I can't leave him because we'd lose the house, we'd have to sell etc.
Maybe I'd not feel so emotional about it once I'd started building my own life.

@CayrolBaaaskin yup. Infuriating. Turns me into someone I don't like.

OP’s posts: |
FidgetWonkham Mon 18-May-20 00:12:46

Yes like @Fenlandmountainrescue says no more waiting for help that won’t come.

I worried that I’d struggle being the only parent in the house but it’s actually easier a lot of the time as I’m not angry that I’m not being supported!

And I was doing most of the parenting anyway! AND he was like a 3rd child in many ways.

And he’s still there if there’s a crisis. Just wasn’t great at the everyday mental load stuff!

FidgetWonkham Mon 18-May-20 00:15:29

Another positive about being the one that moves out is that when the kids stay with their dad, it’s in a place that’s ‘home’ to them already. I’ve worked hard to make my new house feel like their home as well.

Stegasaurusmum Mon 18-May-20 00:32:04

@Fidgetwonkham yes. I've suggested the house I've found, because it's close to their schools, their friends... DD is 10 so could have a bit more independence as the next couple of years went on. It would be appealing to them, or to her. DS is 5.where mummy goes, he goes. Both very cuddly, very attached, very reliant on me.
So yes, him having our home might make it less unsettling in some ways I guess.
I don't want to go but the guilt.... I stayed 5 years because of the guilt and obligation and just overwhelming stuff of splitting up.
But I've started it, guess I'll be the one to keep it going and finish!

OP’s posts: |
whydobirds Mon 18-May-20 00:37:09

@stegasaurusmum aw. It'll be ok. And in time, it'll be better than ok.

LadyDoc1 Mon 18-May-20 00:37:48

Remembering who you are and having the freedom to make your own decisions is priceless OP, marriage should be a partnership not an arrangement where the wife becomes a carer or martyr.
It's scary initially but you'll never look back x

Holothane Mon 18-May-20 00:39:27

To rest at night not worrying about his drinking knowing I’d get a decent nights sleep, my ex by the way well done it gets easier.

Stegasaurusmum Mon 18-May-20 01:01:16

Thanks these are all great.
Yes to the drinking.
Not ridiculous amounts but drunk to the point of falling over and sleeping on the floor, pissing over the bed and anything else he slept on, poor choices
.. Yep

OP’s posts: |
TheMaddHugger Mon 18-May-20 01:41:13

@Stegasaurusmum (((((Madd Hugs)))) 🌺

Stegasaurusmum Mon 18-May-20 20:20:41

Thanks @TheMaddHugger much appreciated.

I'm trying not to feel angry at him kind of forcing my hand with me and the kids leaving. He's barely here, it's rural and he doesn't drive, it's a massive house for just him... He'd definitely see the kids more if we were here as he could pop in on the way home as its on his route for work. Him being somewhere that is in walking distance of everywhere makes so much more sense.
But it's the usual story of if I don't do it, it doesn't get done. So it's just going to have to be this way I guess. The kids don't know but the eldest has started bedwetting again and has definitely noticed the separated sleeping arrangements, but he doesn't want to say anything until he's found somewhere. Which if he's not looking... 🤷‍♀️
I'm trying to stay positive but this limbo situation we are in is horrible, aside from all the covid stuff which means me being at home all the time now, with the children.

Positives... Could go for a walk and just say hi to people we know, rather than having to drive to see them.

OP’s posts: |
TheMaddHugger Tue 19-May-20 10:02:26

🌺just thinking of you (((Madd Hug)))

BubblyBarbara Tue 19-May-20 10:05:02

I don’t know the name of my GP either every time I go it’s some different locum or another

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