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AIBU to think my friend is negging me?

(75 Posts)
coulddowithashag Sun 17-May-20 23:03:45

She used to be my BF, is beautiful, a few years younger, has a very comfortable life as her husband is relatively successful and three beautiful daughters.
So I don't see any reason for her to say the things she does and I cut her a lot of slack because I know she had issues when we were younger and she found out her DF was not her biological father.
Some of the things she had said
-oh I can't let you go out in a floral skirt you look like a nana
-when I said I wanted a new kitchen 'well no ones kitchen is as bad as yours'
- I have a rather sticky out bottom and she said 'you actually like your bum don't you'
- when my DH and I went out for a meal I had just started at university and she did not allow me to talk about it. Never asked how it was going, changed topics and dominated the conversation all night.
She also fell out with me when I didn't take my DD to her DD birthday party and told me that I didn't treat my husband right.
I am at a loss what to think. Any ideas what is going on here?

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Iamthewombat Sun 17-May-20 23:07:02

She also fell out with me when I didn't take my DD to her DD birthday party

Did you say that you would be there then didn’t show up or something?

I feel that there may be a backstory, but on the basis of what you have told us, I’d cut her less slack if I were you!

coulddowithashag Sun 17-May-20 23:11:27

The reason we didn't go was because my DD had another party that same day for a child in her class who had never had a party before. The whole class of 12 were invited and as two other mums worked it would have meant that unless I took them there would be three children less!
I also asked my DD which one she wanted to go to and she chose the other party. Friend was aware of this beforehand as I asked if she minded and she said no. Also some stuff predate the party incident.

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Glitteryone Sun 17-May-20 23:19:11

What does negging mean?

Merryoldgoat Sun 17-May-20 23:24:33

A) this isn’t negging.

B) she’s not your friend.

coulddowithashag Sun 17-May-20 23:28:38

Don't mean to drip feed, sorry, but at other times she is lovely, really lovely. I had cancer a couple of years ago and she was brilliant and at other difficult points in my life she has been there for me.
But it seems if I am doing well she starts to be like this!

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Merryoldgoat Sun 17-May-20 23:29:07

Negging is giving backhanded compliments to undermine another’s confidence,

It’s manipulative and its aim is to make the undermined party seek the approval of the ‘negger’.

Eg: ‘oh wow - don’t you look nice in heels! They really stop your calves looming so chunky’

The OP’s friend is just a cow.

Crinkle77 Sun 17-May-20 23:30:42

I agree she is not a friend.

Merryoldgoat Sun 17-May-20 23:31:07

So she’s great if she can feel sorry for you or feel like your saviour? But not so nice when she feels you’re her equal?

She’s not nice OP. Nice people are happy for your success and what to hear about it.

DamnYankee Sun 17-May-20 23:37:43

I cut her a lot of slack because I know she had issues when we were younger and she found out her DF was not her biological father.

That's where a lot of women make a mistake. Would you say the things she has said and expect to be excused because life happened to you? How far does that get anyone?

She sounds like a hot mess. Just quietly get quiet and back away.

Kaizer43 Sun 17-May-20 23:40:17

This does not sound like a friend at all!
You deserve a better friend than that.
It reminds me of some of the the catty things I hear from the school mums in the playground..awful..
Do you ever use any come backs or ask her why she is saying hurtful things if she is your friend.
Dont let it get to you.x

Patsypie Sun 17-May-20 23:40:50

She sounds like a total cunt. She's clearly not your friend and mustn't be happy if she had to resort to these stings and bitch comments. Cut her out!

wildcherries Sun 17-May-20 23:43:14

Life is increasingly too short for 'friends' like this. Step back and don't engage with her.

DontTouchTheMoustache Sun 17-May-20 23:46:11

I wouldn't call it negging either, just being an outright bitch

coulddowithashag Sun 17-May-20 23:50:55

The thing is I struggle to make friends and she is part of a group that all socialise together but she is the one who brought us all together. So I don't think I would be able to cut her out and see my other friends .

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Suzie6789 Sun 17-May-20 23:55:01

All those comments are bitchy, and designed to undermine you.
Why do you put up with her being so awful to you?

FOJN Sun 17-May-20 23:57:56

You deserve better. You may not need to cut her out completely but you could gradually introduce some distance and spare yourself her unpleasant behaviour. You do not have to put up with her behaviour because she was there for you during difficult times, it's what friends do for each other.

DFAMA Mon 18-May-20 00:01:38

Shes a nasty bitch. If you can't cut her out completely start distancing yourself and spend more time with the other members of the friendship group

Zogtastic Mon 18-May-20 00:05:18

If you want to stay part of the group but emotionally distance, look up “medium chill” takes some practice but works a treat in situations like this.

incognitomum Mon 18-May-20 00:09:31

She sounds awful and needs to grow up.

I agree with distancing yourself.

CuppaZa Mon 18-May-20 00:15:46

She’s a bitch

CuppaZa Mon 18-May-20 00:16:22

She must feel inferior in some way, to warrant this kind of passive aggressive, mean girls act

MadameMeursault Mon 18-May-20 00:23:34

Ah she’s one of those friends who’s also sweet and caring when things aren’t going so well for you and she feels she’s in a position of superiority, but does you down because she’s jealous when things are going well for you.

I have one of those. She can be really lovely and good company so I put up with the other shit and try to ignore it, and just feel sorry for her really that she feels she has to behave like this.

The question is - can you do the same?

MadameMeursault Mon 18-May-20 00:24:09

*all not also

coulddowithashag Mon 18-May-20 00:25:11

You see I have wandered if she resents how happy I am with my life. I have had major health issues but I make the best of things and I don't compete because I don't feel the need to! But could this really be the reason? She seems to have it all

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