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To wonder how easy and straightforward the very very early stages/pre-dating to dating bit should be when there is mutual interest vs chasing someone disinterested/ambivalent

(5 Posts)
Goodberry Sun 17-May-20 19:39:36

There's a few threads about chasing a disinterested/ambivalent person at the moment and I realised I have always fallen into this trap. So I wondered what it will look like when someone who is interested in you seeks to date you. There are a few threads about what a good relationship looks like once you're in it but I wondered, right at the very beginning of things or even beforehand, how does he show interest etc. People have said on here that they too got into that muddle of chasing, but to paraphrase, when they met their now- significant other, 'it was just easy'- I suppose I am wondering what that ease looks like to someone who has always been caught up in that aforementioned chase, and how to recognise it. Like, what sort of things will he do or say. I think I am also worried about how I would or should respond in such a situation- is there ever a need to 'play it a bit cool' if both parties have that genuine mutual interest, or do you not need to plan or censor yourself when 'it is right'.

Also, and this possibly refers to after the initial stages, I think I have experienced strong interest from someone that in retrospect then turned into ambivalence. It confused me a lot, and I wondered how you spot when someone is going off you but still likes to keep you around just for the attention/flattery.

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Ethelfleda Sun 17-May-20 19:43:55

For me, when I met DH (over 13 years ago) it definitely was easy. Neither of us decided to ‘play it cool’. We were definitely interested in one another from the start and I never felt as though he was ‘going off me’ so to speak.
I would say, if you feel like someone is pulling away/retreating that it’s time to just step away. No need to make an effort when it isn’t reciprocated. It isn’t worth the potential damage to your self esteem.
I do not think all men are one homogeneous mass that thinks the same way, of course... but to me, if they’re not really making the effort then they’re not worth your time.

Goodberry Mon 18-May-20 14:21:59

Thank you Ethelfleda that's a great post. You are spot on about damage to self esteem. Having always chased I need to learn what the alternative feels like. Because of the last experience likely I will now be waiting for the other shoe to drop so hope that doesn't lead me to sabotage things

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LellyMcKelly Mon 18-May-20 14:33:44

When I met DP it was right. It was just easy. We fitted together like a hand in a glove. I don’t believe in ‘the one’ or anything like that, but there was no game playing, no saying he’ll do something then not doing it, no dropping off the radar (not that I was keeping tabs on him), no second guessing. Me and him became ‘us’ and ‘we’ as naturally as breathing air.

Goodberry Mon 18-May-20 15:41:36

Thank you LellyMcKelly that sounds wonderful.

Can I also ask, when this kind of connection happens, does it feel very distinctly different from friendship, right from the off?

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