Feeling emotionally empty

[coronanamechange2020]

Name changed for this. I fully expect to get massively flamed for this and know I am being unreasonable and needy.

Fiancé now works full time from home because of lockdown but used to work a 1 hour train commute from work. He works very hard so I feel awful for complaining.

I do 80% of the house work as I can work from home and most of my income does not need too much supervision. I would like to work but chronic illnesses means it's just not realistic to work part time and still be able to care for the house. I do all the admin, finances, postponed the wedding, tidy, do the laundry, care for the pets and fiancé. Fiancé helps by cooking and carrying the food shop but the rest is 90% done by me. I don't mind I like looking after people. I bring him coffee, arrange his lunch if he is busy working or get it ready for when he comes down. I give him a backrub to wake him up, and at night to help him get to sleep. Now he is working from home I also I also give him backrubs in the afternoon after lunch.

Lately he has been feeling low on energy. Now this is a combo of him staying up till 1-2AM and eating unhealthy. I am more then happy to cook or do foodshop if he would let me know what he wants. I keep asking him does he want me to do it and he keeps saying no he just needs some rest. By the time he gets up it is then too late so he orders a pizza. I try help him feel better letting him rest, backrubs, headrubs everything that can help. But I do feel slightly his choice of staying up till 2 or drinking beer for 5 hours on some weekend days is not helping.

This year we maybe had 2 hours of quality time. The rest was him asleep on the sofa as I give him backrubs or him reading the news for over 2 hours not talking to me. This would annoy me a hell of a lot less if the instant he perks up was not then spend gaming on the play station or doing the video family pub quiz once a week. Oh and the football beer drinking zoom time with his friends. I feel awful for saying this as he can also be the most caring fiancé ever. If he sees me liking anything he will get it for me, he always does whatever he can if he sees me upset to make me feel better, he puts up with my demanding mother, and he is taking me on my dream honeymoon. But right now I can't help but also feeling emotionally drained.

For example this weekend. I planned for us to have a nice eurovision evening yesterday. He knew it starts at 6:30. He decides to buy beer and watch football with his friends. Again no problem. What he did is that this went on from 2 unitl 7:30. I had no clue what dinner plans were so could not cook as by 7:35 fiancé was asleep and snoring. I could not tell when he would wake up either so had to wait to ask him what he wants to do about dinner. Had he told me even at 7:30 if I can cook he is tired and what he wanted that would have been ok. So at 8 he briefly wakes up to say he wants pizza and goes back to sleep leaving me to watch eurovision with him snoring next to me. If he did not want to watch it that would have been ok I just wanted to spend some time where he was not asleep or close to sleeping. He gets up at 1 earliest on a weekend so half the day is gone by then. He promised to help me with a gaming spread sheet (that he has promised for 2 weeks) tonight (i game too so I don't mind him gaming), and watching a movie tonight no phones and actually both being present etc. He started to feel unwell. I gave him a backrub and cooled him with a towel on his back. The minute he feels better he is now on the playstation again.

I know he works hard so I feel bad nagging him to do stuff but at the same time these two weeks I have just felt so emotionally drained

[ZaraW]

Your world seems to revolve around him it's not healthy. You need to do things for yourself, invite friends around when things get back to normal and stop the back rubs....

[coronanamechange2020]

@ZaraW I try but not always knowing his plans makes it hard to make my plans as I don't want them to clash

[bigchris]

Well for one the back rub thing is seriously weird !!

[ZaraW]

You need to be more independent. Make plans with your friends. When he sees you have a life he may make more of an effort to fo things with you. Are you really happy with the current situation? Only you can change it.

[Polkadotpjs]

He's got way too much slack here and you're pandering to this. I'd stop right now.

[bigchris]

He sounds the type who will hate it if you have a baby and give it the back rub instead to be brutally honest

[coronanamechange2020]

Thing is when he wants to be he is the most caring person ever. He works so hard so I feel bad asking him to do stuff. The backrubs have helped control his tremor too so I am happy to do if it helps him

[cravingpistachiocake]

Sorry, but this really sounds like an unhealthy relationship. He provides money, you act like a live in housekeeper, PA and masseuse. As a couple you have almost no common interests or activities.

And that kind of relationship can work, if neither of you actually wants a close and equal emotional and romantic relationship. But clearly you aren’t satisfied.

The fact that you seem to blame yourself for this rather than noticing that he is selfish and entitled suggests you don’t have great self esteem. To build your self esteem you really should take time for yourself, build your friendships, get some hobbies. Then you’ll be less dependent on his sparse attention, and can approach him to discuss how you need things to change.

Of course to make any change you’ll need to neglect his constant requests for back rubs and cold towels. He won’t like it, but maybe it will trigger some of these conversations you’ll need to have if you want things to change.

[coronanamechange2020]

@ZaraW I am happy most of the time it's just this lockdown made some of his choices a bit wrose then normal so it is a spiral etc. He knows it's his sleep pattern that is a big issue but not sure how to help him there

[ZaraW]

If you aren't prepared to change things you'll be complaining about the same thing in five years time. Don't make excuses for him he sounds awful.

[coronanamechange2020]

@cravingpistachiocake we do. Which why 90% of the time we get on so well. We love history, debates, museums, reading together, watching documentaries, watching a movie, going to the ballet or opera. We both love musiclas but right now he is too tired for any of this

[cravingpistachiocake]

Too tired because he’s spending all his time doing things that exclude you, which is selfish. My point still stand I think, he’s being horrible to you and you’re letting him. You need to discuss it with him properly, and if you can’t find a way to do it then that means you need to work on building your self esteem and ability to assert yourself. Developing some interests and relationships away from him may help with that.

It’s not a great relationship if one of you is miserable, really.

[coronanamechange2020]

@ZaraW I do see where you come from and I do think we need to have a talk over quality time and still making an effort for each other.

[zscaler]

I would end up stabbing someone who expected that many back rubs.

He’s a taker OP - he’s taking all your time, emotional energy and resources, without giving anything like a fair amount back. He has you running around after him proving him with everything he wants on a platter, and he doesn’t really give a shit about the things you ask for in return.

He might change if you challenge him on it and he cares enough, but if he doesn’t then you should accept that you deserve better than dedicating your life to someone who won’t prioritise you in return.

[coronanamechange2020]

@cravingpistachiocake I fully agree and he is aware of it most of the time and will make a real effort. It's just once he gets busy or tired again it can be back to square 1

[coronanamechange2020]

@zscaler voicing what I want has always been a struggle and I tend to be a people pleaser.

[coronanamechange2020]

@zscaler I think part of the reason I do all this without him even asking for them is I feel I have nothing else to offer. It's not his fault but I always feel my parents deserve a better daughter, my friends deserve a better friend, fiancé deserves a better fiancé etc

[coronanamechange2020]

Thank you for all the insight. I have had a long chat with fiancé. He realized he had been less then ideal so agreed to a few changes.

-I will cook from now on and he will hoover in exchange. This is a chore that if missed or delayed will not have the same domino effect as having too many takeaways. We will do the food shop online together and then unpack together so we can come up with an agreed meal plan which I will cook.

-He should strech his legs and make his own coffee.

-One night a week will be movie night and it alternates who's choice it is. There will be a casual movie option and a more serious one depending on how tired we are. Neither of us will be on phones at this time. Once lockdown is over we are going to make an effort to see a play/ballet/musical once every two weeks and go to a museum once a month

• 4 nights a week he should keep gaming between 10-12. If we agree a evening activity this needs to be before 9 as I am usually off to bed 10-11 to read for an hour or two before bed.
  

Also one day a month will be a me day where I am not doing chores and he looks after the pets. This will be the first Saturday of every month.

His time needs more structure so for example he will get up early enough for sunday mass on YouTube after which we will walk the dog.

We will split the extra chores for the week fairly between us with each of us getting our own postit note colour so we can see who needs to do what. I will not nag him about it and it is his responsibility to make sure they are done.

I don't mind doing the backrubs as they help him with his tremors but he needs to come up at a reasonable time no later then 12:30. I will try find us a documentary to enjoy.

[Nofriendsclub]

You say he carries the shopping? Do you class this as a chore that he helps you with.
I give him a backrub to wake him up, and at night to help him get to sleep Christ almighty is he a baby?

[coronanamechange2020]

@Nofriendsclub it helps manage his tremor

[Nofriendsclub]

I have read and reread your posts op, what type of tremor does he have?
There’s something really saddening about your post , you are basically a servant for a man child despite having chronic illness yourself.
Is he ok playing his games with his tremor?
The thing that stood out the most was this
I always feel my parents deserve a better daughter, my friends deserve a better friend, fiancé deserves a better fiancé etc
You literally don’t have one ounce of self esteem, please work on yourself as nobody should feel like this about themselves

[coronanamechange2020]

@Nofriendsclub it's usually in his arms and hands. It does not shake too much but just feels awful for him.

I am trying to work on myself just my past has nit helped. I talked with my mum about some of her actions and how they made me feel and she said she feels so sorry I ever felt the way I do. She had her reasoning but I interpreted them wrongly.

It's manageable as long as I pace myself but I did say I need him to do more around the house too so my day does not just consist of chores or resting from chores.

[Liveandforget]

If I never read the word 'back rub' it will be too soon. He doesn't do nearly enough around the house and needs to do his fair share, so you can have the time, energy and inclination to see what you'd like to do with YOUR life. Him hoovering isn't enough at all.

[coronanamechange2020]

@Liveandforget I did tell him that I do need him to help more. I need more free time to do stuff I like too. It kind of gets me down wanting to finish a book and it taking a full 2 months to finish or games that I just don't have the head energy by the end to focus on. I would like to get back into my photography and creative writing and not be constantly too tired

[Nofriendsclub]

I don’t mean to be insensitive but does he have a medical diagnosis for his tremor? There are many different causes of it some of them being drugs, too much caffeine, low blood sugar.
One day a month is not enough for me time.