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To ask how much you’re still reliant on your parents?

(217 Posts)
thecatsabsentcojones Sun 17-May-20 16:17:26

I was having a chat with someone today who still gets quite a lot of financial help from their parents. Her relationship has broken up, she’s a single mum and in a series of freelancing jobs, which albeit being really fun to work in aren’t well paid in that sector. She was saying that amongst her friends it’s really common to have a top up from parents because pay is now so low in comparison to the cost of living.

It’s causing her conflict with her parents who are fed up of subsidising her to work in an industry which is lovely to work in, so they’re asking if she could make changes to her career to perhaps earn more. The skills she has are pretty transferable to other industries. She feels it’s not easy to make the leap and earn much more money.

How much help do people get generally? And what happens with the next generation, who will be there to help them out if there’s the same issues of high property costs and low pay?

OP’s posts: |
AllMouthandTrousers Sun 17-May-20 16:21:36

None. My dad died when i was a child and my mother isnt well off enough. Luckily right now i dont need it. In the past my grandparents have bunged me a few quid to keep me going thanks to financial abuse by my ex. I regret using their money this way.

Pugdoglife Sun 17-May-20 16:22:31

No financial help at all since I left school, it seems quite selfish to expect it. Either earn more or lower your expectations.
Unless the parents want to help, which it seems that they don't.

Snaga Sun 17-May-20 16:26:51

My parents haven't helped me out financially since I left home age 18 except for the odd "treat". But then I've never gone to them cap in hand either, I'd be mortified asking them for day to day help for living.

zscaler Sun 17-May-20 16:26:59

No regular financial help, but we couldn’t have bought our house without a loan from my dad (which we repay in monthly instalments). Dad and FIL help out with DIY stuff and sometimes if I am in a really busy period at work (like weeks of 12 hour days) my mum will come and do a deep clean of the house but that’s very rare.

Both sets of parents quite often treat us (e.g. we’ll go on holiday with them and they pay accommodation, or mum and I will go to a garden centre and she’ll insist on paying for the plants I choose). We aren’t reliant on this but it’s a lovely kindness on their part and much appreciated.

Leaannb Sun 17-May-20 16:27:03

I deeply ashamed and embarrassed if I had to.depend on my parents for a handout. I would feel as a failure of my adult children came to me asking for a handout. And unless there were some extreme reason for it they thet y would be refused.

Sparklesocks Sun 17-May-20 16:29:25

None, DP and I are in our early 30s. Apart from gifts at birthdays and Christmas but those are often token things like slippers or booze. Sometimes DP’s parents come to stay with us for a weekend and will buy dinner one night, but no monetary support.

LittleFoxKit Sun 17-May-20 16:30:02

No financial help unless it's a one off and I'm desperate (eg borrowing money for failed mot as I travel quite long distance regularly).

General top ups and house keeping though I dont get anything, mother is a very big believer of living within your means and if your not happy doing something about it (very working class grandparents, mother got disowned for pursuing education and worked very hard and for a very long time as a single mum to get a career - very old fashioned family pre mother).

KellyHall Sun 17-May-20 16:30:09

I left home at 16 and treated any financial assistance after that as a loan I've repaid (as much as has not been refused!) I've always believed in working for what I have and hate asking for money.

My mum is my best friend, her emotional support is worth so much to me, I've never wanted to 'muddy the waters' of our relationship with money issues.

InDubiousBattle Sun 17-May-20 16:30:34

No financial help for either of our parents here either. It is very, very unusual amongst our friends not to have any help, the overwhelming majority get lots and always have. Buying them their first car, help through uni, deposits for first rental, living at home rent free, deposits for houses (in several cases lending them money to buy a house outright), weddings paid for etc. Lots of friends have childcare done for free and their parent stake them all away on holiday too. Pretty much all, of them down play this help!
I'm emotionally quite relient on my dad though. I'm missing him a lot during lock down.

Crikey0000 Sun 17-May-20 16:33:15

My parents helped me out when my marriage broke down, he was paying me nothing & the mortgage payments were crippling. They've bailed me out in a couple of other times of crisis as an adult. I'm hugely grateful, they're glad they're in a position to do it, not everyone is. Not sure how i would've coped otherwise.

Redleathertrousers Sun 17-May-20 16:35:27

Not reliant for day to day living but know I can always ask for help and it will be given if something happened e.g. an appliance breaks. I find @Leaannb stance quite odd. You should be able to ask your parents for help, they have the right to say no but I think to say you feel you'd failed is very extreme. My Mum would be gutted if I was struggling and didn't feel I could go to her and I'd say that attitude is pretty common amongst my friends and their parents.

SqidgeBum Sun 17-May-20 16:41:18

Myself and DH are 29, we have jobs and a house and a kid. We have zero help financially or otherwise from family. We dont even use family for childcare. The most we get is the odd day off when they take our DC out for a day. We did receive 'help' financially to buy a house (DH had inheritance money from a close relative sadly dying) but we didnt ask anyone for help. The money easy his, not his parents or mine. I figure once you are finished university you should stand on your own two feet financially. Even before that I worked all through university to fund myself as much as I could. Every adult should manage their finances to ensure needing help from family is kept to a minimum, and avoided if possible. Your parents are not responsible for funding your life as an adult.

Juanmorebeer Sun 17-May-20 16:42:22

No financial help but they do both help with childcare so I suppose that is worth money that I'm saving.

Rightbutno Sun 17-May-20 16:46:27

None. I work in the cultural sector perhaps the person you're talking about does too? Or perhaps something different? It took me a long time to get even a low paid job despite good transferable experience, an 1st and a distinction at BA and MA. I've come across a lot of people who get help either while doing low paid or voluntary work to get into the sector. I understand why parents do it. But it keeps pay on the sector low and unpaid positions the norm.

So I understand why it riles people a bit as it just feels very unfair. My parents are not hard up and invest in property. when we bought our first home didn't get any deposit help even though they could have helped and knew we didn't have a lot as we'd rented in London before moving back north. I don't expect help either. When I see people's parents buying them houses or whatever I do feel jealous but at least I know me and my partner have done it on our own.

imsooverthisdrama Sun 17-May-20 16:51:58

No help financially except years ago in-laws offered to lend us money for a used car . We excepted and paid back monthly. I'd never ask just to top up my wage month to month it would have to be emergency.
I also agree when you finish university the bank of mum & dad is over except in emergency . When my dd leaves uni and gets a job then she can pay her own way . I'd like to help her out in a few years with a house deposit and wedding but not subbing pay . You need to learn to manage money whatever your income .

Purpleartichoke Sun 17-May-20 16:56:45

My parents helped me through university. I never asked for a penny after that. I made life choices that enabled me to support myself, even if my lifestyle was spartan at times. There were other paths I might have taken that would have been more fulfilling, but I never forgot the reality of needing to pay my bills.

I know if I had a real emergency, my parents would help me financially. They also know I wouldn’t ask if the situation wasn’t serious.

Sunbird24 Sun 17-May-20 16:58:39

None. They paid for my accommodation at uni but I worked every hour I wasn’t studying and paid for everything else. I’ve always been quite savvy financially so haven’t needed any help yet, although I know if I need it I only have to ask. They’d be pretty surprised but they wouldn’t begrudge me it

anothernamechangeagain Sun 17-May-20 16:58:51

I was helped financially until I was early 20s.

I know I could rely on my mum for help if I needed it though. My dad is dead.

Twigletfairy Sun 17-May-20 16:59:04

I've never had additional financial help. As a child I had a roof over my head, food, utilities and phone. I never had any pocket money, I was never given money so I could go to the cinema or go for a day out with friends. If I went out for the day I was expected to either come home for lunch or go hungry. I got a job at 16, started paying rent to my parents and moved out at 18. Never been given a penny.

I think it's quite common to have to find your own way once you're an adult. Its not down to parents to fund an unsustainable lifestyle. Obviously if there was a crisis through no fault of my own, I'm sure my parents would help with what they could, but otherwise I sort myself out

DotForShort Sun 17-May-20 16:59:45

Not at all. They were very generous when I was at university, but as soon as I completed my undergraduate degree I was financially independent. It has always been extremely important to me to be independent. If I had ever encountered serious financial problems, I know my parents would have helped me out. But I'm an adult. I never expected them to buy me a car or pay for my housing or anything of that nature.

I have relatives who even in their 30s and 40s rely almost completely on their parents to support them financially. And they are more than capable of providing for themselves, they just prefer the easy life that the Bank of Mum and Dad can give them. I would be ashamed to live that way.

B0bbin Sun 17-May-20 16:59:51

Not at all. When I left home at 18 I was 100% responsible for myself. Really skint for a few years but it is good not to rely on them. They had no money so it wasn't because they didn't want to xxx

thegcatsmother Sun 17-May-20 17:01:03

I also agree when you finish university the bank of mum & dad is over except in emergency . Ds hasn't yet found a job post MA, so is home and being supported by us...well, we clothe, shoe, feed and water him, and he has all the internet he can eat.

ChilliCheese123 Sun 17-May-20 17:01:33

I work part time for my dad so wages from him ! My car insurance is paid for through the business as a ‘perk’. Apart from that they buy us bits for the house occasionally such as bedding, decor, maybe a small appliance every now and then

I have friends who have car leases paid for, mobile Contracts, lots of free childcare that’s not unusual.

Three or four live in houses either outright owned by parents or have mortgages paid by them

thegcatsmother Sun 17-May-20 17:01:59

We also paid for uni in full - no loans.

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