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To not want anymore children?

(91 Posts)
Curious200 Sun 17-May-20 15:32:40

I have twins who are nearly 6 with my ex husband. We have a great coparenting relantionship and are also great friends. We married very young, marriage lasted 7 years and we split ambically. Fast forward 3 years I got remarried, new husband is a great guy and an awesome step dad. Has no kids of his own and always stated that he didn't want any kids and was happy to raise my girls with me and was content with being their step dad. He spends everyday with them and has a very involved role with them. But recently he bought up the topic of having a child with me.

I really feel like I don't want anymore children. For a few reasons. Firstly I feel like it will complicate my twins life, right now they have it good with 3 loving parents, and my husband is happy to support us in the way in which we want to raise our children however has specifically said if we had a kid he would do things differently, and in my opinion that would never work, as you can't have a household where 3 kids are being raised differently. We come from two different cultures and have worked hard to come to a middle ground on many differences, which has been a working progress but I think we have done very well. However I see if we had our own child together, this could be very complicated.
Also for myself, I do get times when I'm broody but generally my mindset is I have two healthy children who are becoming more independant. I would rather use my present and future finances to give them a great life, adding another just doesn't seem financially the best route to take and also will take me straight back to the pregnancy phase then breastfeeding etc, after having twins and going through all of that (it was a joy and I loved it but hard work) - I just couldn't imagine starting from the beginning again.
I know he doesn't have kids of his own but he always said before we married and the first few years he didn't want any and I made it clear that I didn't think I would want anymore either.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP’s posts: |
SerenDippitty Sun 17-May-20 15:48:29

No you're not being unreasonable. You've always made it clear that you didn't want any more children. He has changed his mind, not you.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow Sun 17-May-20 15:54:22

You're not unreasonable, but i think you have to accept that if he does want a child and you don't, that this is likely the end of the relationship.

He is allowed to have changed his mind about this, by the way. There is nothing wrong with him changing his mind, just like there's nothing wrong with you not changing yours. But it does mean the relationship is probably over. I'm sorry OP.

Curious200 Sun 17-May-20 16:00:47

He has said that he wouldn't end the marriage over this and if we don't have a child of our own then ce la vie. We have a great loving relantionship and he's very much attached to my DC and loves them dearly. But I can't help but feel as though he is making me feel guilty about this, even if he's stated he accepts my decision. I really just hope he isn't holding out hope that one day I will change my mind.

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Tropical2 Sun 17-May-20 16:03:06

Your ex husband seems to have a big say in whether you and your current husband have a child of your own. What does he mean "he'd do things differently if you and your husband have a baby"? What would change? What if he were to have more children in the future?

Curious200 Sun 17-May-20 16:05:05

No that's what my husband said not my ex husband. Re read the post @tropical2

OP’s posts: |
Curious200 Sun 17-May-20 16:06:13

I am 30 so still young. Who knows what the future holds perhaps I'll feel differently as the kids get older. But I very much doubt it and don't want to give my husband any false hope. Although I think he thinks I will change my mind at some point.

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YouDeserveFlowers Sun 17-May-20 16:09:59

I think just be very upfront with him. Right now, you do not want any more and whilst you can't say 100% to never having more, it's unlikely. So, if it's something that he definitely wants then he has to make a decision.

Bubblebee7 Sun 17-May-20 16:11:00

Your not being unreasonable and I definitely agree that you cannot raise 3 children in different ways it’s not right and it would cause lots of issues.

You do need to be honest and stand firmly. Your partner hasn’t done anything wrong either people do generally change their minds about wanting a child. The decision will be on him weather to stay and settle or he moves on and has a child with someone else.

Curious200 Sun 17-May-20 16:22:01

To be honest I think one of the main issues that has made me even less confident in the decision to have another is, when he raised this topic with me and we spoke and he said about the differences he would expect if we had a child together, it did take me by surprise really. We are so good parenting the girls together, that the fact he's come out with that made me rather shocked. I think if he didn't have that mindset I may of been more likely to think over having another child in more depth and perhaps agree to one in the future when the girls are abit older. Say 3 or 4 years time when they are 9/10. But from what he said, I love our marriage and our life now, I can see complications coming from that mindset, and I wouldn't want to complicate any of our lives further.

OP’s posts: |
SomeoneElseEntirelyNow Sun 17-May-20 16:25:51

What sort of differences are we talking about here? Is he likely to want to enforce different values etc on your DDs as they get older?

Sally872 Sun 17-May-20 16:30:36

I couldn't stay in the marriage even if he is willing to. How can he step parent your children while wanting his own but not having his own.
Yanbu and neither is he, but it is one of those things you can't compromise on.

Bubblebee7 Sun 17-May-20 16:31:22

You need to tell him how you feel. Either way a decision has to be made.

Curious200 Sun 17-May-20 16:35:19

We didn't get into in depth detail. But I got the jist that he means different ways of discipline, he wants the child to speak his language fluently and would only speak his language with the child, I can speak English with the child (even though I speak his language too and my girls are learning), different ideas for the future regarding education. He wouldn't enforce these things on my girls, he respects what me and my ex want for them however he has a very active role and we work together for the girls and he has a say just as much as I do in the day to day life, as I said our life right now is great. It may seem these things aren't that much of a big deal, but when I said to him if we had a child together it's about compromise it's OUR child not just yours, he said "yeah of course you will have a say but I will have the final say as I will be the father." - honestly I've never seen this side to him before and I think it's shocked me some what, and pushed me further away from even thinking about having a child. I did say to him if you really want a child you need to rethink your mindset, as we need to raise all children under one house the same. Language aspect isn't a problem at all, but different ways of discipling and expecting different things from each will make either the girls or the new addition feel "different" and I would hate that for any child. So I feel he may suddenly want a child, however he really isn't thinking in the most mature way about it to make me put my mind into the place of considering it.

OP’s posts: |
OoohTheStatsDontLie Sun 17-May-20 16:40:10

Neither of you is being unreasonable in your views (other than perhaps him in saying things he would do differently with his own child, which as you say would be difficult practically and also there is a small amount of implicit criticism there that you're doing things 'wrong').

I wouldn't get drawn into that as a reason though, as it sounds like something that could be compromised on and he may start negotiating on whatever your differences are or toning it down to make you change your mind. I'd stick with the fact you think you're done, are enjoying having older children and don't want to go back to the baby stage again if you want to make it clear and not give him any false hope

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow Sun 17-May-20 16:42:31

He gets the final say because he's the father? That's some really shitty misogyny there, I'd be taking a careful look at the rest of his behaviour to see if this is part of a larger pattern, and whether you'd be happy having that sort of thinking around your daughters as they grow up.

OoohTheStatsDontLie Sun 17-May-20 16:42:44

X posted.
Yeah I wouldn't have a child with someone who said something like 'I would have the final say because I'm the father'. That shows he thinks males are more important / intelligent than females and I'd be worried if you had a daughter she would be raised to think this and if you had a boy he would look down on other women and his sisters

OoohTheStatsDontLie Sun 17-May-20 16:44:09

I think there are two separate issues here.

1. You don't seem sure whether you want another baby now or in the future

2. Your husband has recently said some things that make you feel like you don't know him as well as you thought

Curious200 Sun 17-May-20 16:47:28

Thanks @OoohTheStatsDontLie yes I think I may do as you have said. And if its something he really wants hopefully he will think more clearly regarding how it would work and see he would have to change his expectations.

I honestly have never seen that side to him before so not sure why he came out with that. I definitly have never experienced that treatment from him and neither have my daughters, so that comment took me for 6. And yes I did feel slightly critisced with his statement of wanting to do things differently if we had a child, however have never felt critisced before or since the conversation. English is not his first language so sometimes he says something that can come across with one meaning to us native English speakers but when he later explains it, it's not as intended. He is fluent but this has happened many times before where we have got our wires crossed.

OP’s posts: |
Bubblebee7 Sun 17-May-20 16:48:13

That line about I would have the final say would totally me off too! At least he has told you now before it’s too late.

Curious200 Sun 17-May-20 16:49:08

We are just so happy in our day to day life and so are the kids that I don't want anything to change that.

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Majorcollywobble Sun 17-May-20 16:51:29

I wouldn’t dwell too much on the fact he’s says if he had his biological child with you his say as father would be final .
After all you and your ex and would feel exactly the same about your girls .
As for cultural differences they seem to have been a positive factor so far for you and your girls and are presumably enriching.
Those two issues are clouding the main point that you feel your own family is complete - whilst he has changed his mind .
Only you can decide how important your second husband is to you . And only time will tell if this marriage survives .

VladmirsPoutine Sun 17-May-20 16:54:51

You may grow to resent each other. Once the genie is out of the bottle it becomes very difficult to put it back in.

Curious200 Sun 17-May-20 16:55:11

We would feel the same about our girls however we have joint decision making and we discuss what right thing to do and make sure we are both happy with the final decision. It's totally different to say that if I wanted something for mine and my current husbands potential child and he didn't that the no would be the final say because he is the father.

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CurlyEndive Sun 17-May-20 17:02:10

I definitely wouldn't have a child with someone who thinks that he gets the final say about any parenting decision because he is the man. And I think all your other reasons for not wanting another baby are valid too. Hold firm, OP.

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