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AIBU for pushing for an answer

(40 Posts)
Ishelyingtome Sat 16-May-20 21:21:47

Me and my OH have been together seriously 2.5 years and dated 5-6 months before that.

We've had a rocky relationship for different reasons, we never had the whirlwind romance or honeymoon period. Our difficulties included issues with his family and then my family. His stress with his business.

Now I learned within the first year of our relationship that my OH has a habit of embellishing stories. I also learned that he is a very black and white person. He's either a 0 or a 10, never grey or in the middle. Things are either fantastic or terrible.

I never liked his embellishing as I am quite a matter of a fact person but decided it wasn't a deal breaker.

Until, I started suspecting he had told a fair few lies. I don't think any were malicious but to try and paint himself in a much better light and to impress me.

At times I asked him about it, as I noticed holes in the story. He never responded positively, and answered in some way or another trying to clear the air. It never really did. I started to doubt him more.

When things are good with us they are great. He is very kind, gentle, helpful, family orientated, supportive, affectionate. He is ambitious, we share much of the same goals and values. He has helped me grow as a person. I feel a kinder, more patient, more understanding and better person since being with him. I think if his business worries reduce and he feels less stress we could have a really great relationship most of the time.

I asked him in different ways a few times about the things I doubt. Sometimes like I say he answered, and sometimes he would brush it off or shut it down.

For me, cheating was never my biggest fear in a relationship, not something I ever really think about. My biggest fear was always finding out I had been living a lie or my partner isn't the person I thought they were, I had been fooled or lied to.

As such, feeling that someone is honest with me is a big deal. For my partner his biggest fear is cheating, due to past experiences. He has brought things up before, completely irrational and big arguments because of his insecurities. (E.G I was having a spa day with my friends. Text him a super short message and he thought I was cheating when really I was still in the spa and the phone was in the locker. He called me up a few hours later, he'd had a drink, and had a big attitude. My friends could hear so I said to talk later so he blew up. We talked about. Any extra 10 seconds of my time to say "have a great time, I'm still with my friends, speak later xx" would have made all the difference. He confessed he did trust me and didn't think i'd ever cheat but struggles with those demons.

The example is a negative experience and thankfully not a common occurrence. I tell you because when he has an insecurity its discussed (poorly and usually with an argument) and we discuss how to move forward.

Now, because he has been super stressed I decide to brush my insecurities and need for reassurance under the carpet and told myself I will bring it up when things with his business are better.

Time passes and more time passes and more. Now it's 2.5 years in and what I am dealing with has caused problems in our relationship. I've felt down, I've felt anxious, stressed, distant. I've not wanted to be intimate as how can I feel in the moment when there's something wrong. I keep thinking I'll tell him when he isn't stressed and overwhelmed.

Now, I move away because I simply cannot afford to stay in the city we were living in. He stays because of his family and he is working on his business which means hopefully he can buy a house for us to make a home.

I grow tired, anxious about the future, my biological clock, am I wasting time? Am I doing the right thing? We could have a really great relationship, I know we could... but we are not. We could have a great future, the same goals, the same ideas for family...but why do I feel uneasy?

We end up having a little argument, and I just feel so fed up that I say we need to take time apart. He says we are together or not. I say its up to him. He ends up breaking it off. He calls me within an hour or so knowing hes made a mistake and tries to rectify things.

I tell him how worried I am for my future and wanting children. How it's been 2 years since we were looking at moving in etc etc etc.

He promises to put in to buy his mums council house (now she's in care) and then he will do it up with the mortgage and rent it out. That rent because its in a prime location will be a great earner. He agrees to come stay at least 2 weeks of the month. He couldn't do 3 weeks in case he loses his mum's council house. I agree to see how it goes, reluctantly but I agree. I was so close to being done.

He said he would come and stay and he came that week. I felt so distant from him and didn't really want him there. Anyway the next 13 days were really great. I felt happy and close to him again. Just us, enjoying each others company. I hear some of his business phone calls which are great for me for trust. He has a call about his mortgage for buying the property. He told me before he came he got confirmation of his application to buy. Whilst he was staying with me, I ask to see it and explain its for reassurance, he tells me its a letter.

A few days before he goes to leave, we have sex and I get the condom. He says if I want to start having children we should lose the condoms. He is right, I wanted to have a baby this year latest. However, I don't feel right inside. I want to be excited to have a baby not uncertain. He also mentioned during his stay about my difficulties climaxing (which are due to feeling distant from him)

I decide maybe nows the time to tell him. I hope he brings up my lack of climax again, but he doesn't. We return to the living room and I initiate the conversation. I am nervous. It's not easy telling someone you think they've lied. I decide to say that I feel he doesn't trust me with the truth and that it is affecting our ability to connect and be close. I hope he will sympathise. I play out a scenario in my head where I discuss how it makes me feel, how it impacts our relationship and that I leave him with an open door to come back to me and confess at a later date.

So I start as I planned. He listens but his demeanor changes. He is uncomfortable. He jumps in and tells me that when he doesn't understand something he can't explain properly. I question how he doesn't understand the past.
He tells me that sometimes it comes across as he is lying because he gets his timelines mixed up. He tries to move the conversation on.
I keep it on track. I bring up a few less serious things he has lied about. For example, he mentioned he was emailed about his ongoing court case. At the time I doubted him so asked if I could see the email. He agrees. I ask him again a week or two later. He promises to send it to me when he gets home. He doesn't. I bring it up again, weeks later. He agrees again and of course doesn't. I never saw the email and if it ever existed I will eat my hat.

I bring this up, and he says that it existed and that he thinks something happened as he can't get hold of them etc etc. I said but at the time you didnt show me. He said it disappeared from his inbox. I said at the time, it would have only taken a minute. He told me he had more important things to do.

He tries to end the conversation. This didn't go as planned.
I bring up a big one (I won't disclose what but the reason I doubt it is because there has been countless of things he has said that just don't add up) I tell him that I doubt it ever happened. He says that's sad. I said it is. He says something to brush me off. I decide to confess that I actually looked into it and there were no records. He says that's odd and checked the details with me. They haven't changed. He tells me that he has spent years trying to move on from it (it was a traumatic experience if true) and he's started to feel happy with me and not think about it. We discuss a bit and I can't remember what is said but it prompts me to say "so you just want me to leave it and trust you?" he says yes. I say "right". Because I can't.

So he goes home, and I ask him after he's been home for 6 days if I can see the letter. He promises to show me.

It's been a week since he;s been home 8 days and no sign of it yet. I find myself starting to stew on it, get anxious. For me if it was real, it would literally take him a minute. He has sent me his work emails and documents before to give me reassurance. What is a letter?
I find myself getting all worked up, so try to discuss it with him.

Phone conversation 1, I bring up how when i am upset I stew on it and then get worked up and distance myself. He talks about all he has going on work wise (that he is doing for us to have a life together) and asks me not to hinder him. I ask him how I would do that. He says he doesn't know.
I suspect he doesn't want me to bring up the issues I am having. I think its the weekend, his schedule starts next week so I should bring it up tomorrow.
He calls me this evening, I say "I thought you were calling to say you'd found the letter". His chirpy tone, becomes disgruntled. He tells me he hasn't even looked for it. I say its a shame. He tells me his paperwork is half a foot deep and just doesn't want to tackle it. I mention something along the lines about it being a shame again. He asks why, I mention to help with my feelings of anxiousness and to give me reassurance.
He groans and grumpily says he will find it and ends the phone call, without the usual "love you, bye". He just isn't taking my need for reassurance and trust seriously.

I am sure many of you have been in otherwise great relationships with someone who makes you feel happy, you love their company and have a shared vision. But have you experienced that and some big red flags?

I will be honest, I am clinging onto what we have and what we could have. Desperatley anxious about my fertility and wanting a family.

We could have a child together, I dont doubt he will do his best, that he will support all he can, love being a dad, take absolute pride and joy in teaching them all his skills.

But I always pictured that joy inside, the excitement the happiness about the thought of planning a family.

The doubt is eating me alive. I just want him to confess and trust he can tell me the truth.

I believe it comes from a good place. He wants to stay with me, he wants to make me happy, he wants to provide and he wants to give me good news.

I also know it could be worse, he could be abusive, he could be nasty, he could cheat, he could...all the things these posts are about.

I want to give him another opportunity or two to confess to me. I have imagined bringing up my doubts again and the fact he asked me to trust him

I imagine saying to him, that I have had doubt uncertainty and anxiety eating away at me for most of our relationship. The consequence is that we aren't as close as we could be and there is the elephant in the room between us . I want to ask him if he is happy with the idea of asking me to keep my anxiety to myself and just sweep it under the carpet. Is he happy for it to affect how I feel and how close we are?

I imagine asking him, would it be so bad if he took the time to be honest with me about everything, to come clean and rebuild our trust and work towards a relationship where we are both happy and secure.

He is reluctant to go there and won't be an open book, he will have closed body language and it will be hard. Has anyone done this before?

OP’s posts: |
Cambionome Sat 16-May-20 21:23:59

That is way too long! Could you summarise please op?

TerrapinStation Sat 16-May-20 21:25:55

Woah, how long did it take to type all that out, is there a TL:DR summary?

SmallChickBilly Sat 16-May-20 21:30:17

I read it as all and it sounds like you two really need to work together to build a relationship strong enough to bring children into. Unfortunately, it looks like you are the only one making the effort at the moment. Does he realise how strongly you feel? I think you will have to overcome you're fears about communicating clearly and honestly with him and tell him how much your concerns are affecting relationship.

NooneElseIsSingingMySong Sat 16-May-20 21:38:00

TL:DR He is one of those people who embellishes stories to make himself sound more interesting. You didn’t have a honeymoon period. When you catch him out on his lies he gaslights you. You don’t live close any more. You don’t trust him. Do you know what my Mum used to say? I don’t profess to know much about relationships but I do know this - without trust, there is no relationship. Words to live by.

DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH THIS MAN. Honestly? I would walk away. Do the Freedom Programme online and see if any of it strikes a chord.

Notthetoothfairy Sat 16-May-20 21:44:39

You don’t seem happy with him and are doubtful about his honesty and the relationship generally. I think you should end it and find someone else.

Cherrysoup Sat 16-May-20 21:49:23

You don’t trust him. You know he’s not being honest about the letter and the other thing. Is this how you envisage your relationship forever more?

Lindjam Sat 16-May-20 21:52:11

Life is too short for this tedious drama.

Bin him.

Bringmewineandcake Sat 16-May-20 22:01:08

You've been together properly for 2.5 years, and 2 of those have been difficult? Cut your losses before you waste any more time on this man.
I wonder if you have posted before and your boyfriend is the one you think has lied about having a child die in a previous relationship? I'm sorry if that isn't you, but if it is then seriously leave.

ViciousJackdaw Sat 16-May-20 22:02:16

Oh god, don't stay with him because you're hankering for some sort of 'perfect' life with a house and a baby. There's no such thing as a perfect life and one thing I have learnt in my 43 years on this planet is that men don't change when a baby appears. He's not going to give you what you want.

Ishelyingtome Sat 16-May-20 22:03:48

@Cambionome not too long, I am a fast typer and @TerrapinStation sure. I typed a lot for background. I know when posts are short people want more background.

Basically I think that my other half has lied to me about things throughout our relationship. I've buried it away for a long time as he has been super stressed and overwhelmed with work and personal things. I finally tell him 2.5 years into the relationship. He tries to brush me off, I persist. He fobs me off, tells me that some of my examples are true but gives me a unacceptable answer. I try to discuss what I think is a big/serious lie, he brushes me off again and tells me he's trying to move on from it and to summarise wants me to trust him.

The doubt is eating me inside and I want to know if anyone has had any experience getting someone to confess and try move on. Everything otherwise is great with us, he is (as i've described) very kind, gentle and loving.

@SmallChickBilly. Thanks so much. I guess part of me is scared because when things are good I want to enjoy them and obviously having these hard conversations creates atmosphere and pushes us apart. But then of course so does the doubt. I don't think i've made myself clear enough. I plan on saying for him not to come over again until I see that letter and try to be more frank with him. I think he suspects but of course he wants to brush it under the rug too.

@NooneElseIsSingingMySong I will check it out- thankyou

@Notthetoothfairy I certainly have happy times with him. There are issues but generally we get on great and I am excited about our future. But the doubt makes me unhappy.

@Cherrysoup I certainly do not. I want to tackle it head on in the next few months. I want either confession and build trust or go our seperate ways.

@lindjam it is isn't it. As i've said we have some really great times together. its just this. If this issue never existed then I would be happy

OP’s posts: |
ECBC Sat 16-May-20 22:05:39

If it feels wrong, it’s wrong.

Thelnebriati Sat 16-May-20 22:07:21

Constantly lying to make himself look better is a serious red flag, men who cannot tolerate looking less than perfect can become a very high risk when the lies start to fall apart.

tobedtoMNandfart Sat 16-May-20 22:07:39

A very long OP with no mention of love or happiness. I'd bail.

OutOfHours Sat 16-May-20 22:07:55

You seem like your obsessing over this.

crispysausagerolls Sat 16-May-20 22:17:19

Insanely long post

Ishelyingtome Sat 16-May-20 23:18:40

@ViciousJackdaw Well.. on the plus side, he sent me the letter I asked for and we had a good chat. I explained how id been feeling and he listened. He half confessed to a minor lie he told me 2 years ago and said he doesn't remember and never received a particular email and thinks he said it just to close things . I thanked him for being honest.

Its a start..

I don't ever think a baby would change things, the baby would be as I (and he) really want a family

OP’s posts: |
Ishelyingtome Sat 16-May-20 23:27:10

@Bringmewineandcake I know. It is tough. Together, without any outside factors its been mostly fine. Unfortunately each others families have caused some issues through fear of losing each of us to a relationship. Work stress, finance stress, some of his issues around cheating fuelled by my bad behaviour in the very early stages (still chatting to other guys i'd made friends with online). We are both super emotional people but in different ways. It's not great but I recognise a lot of couples go through life when there are a lot of factors weighing you down.

@Thelnebriati Yes indeed, something to bear in mind and take seriously. Its a handful of trivial things, white lies and one potential bigger one. The only difference they make is how I feel and trust.

@tobedtoMNandfart. I did mention it. Not many times as I read so many posts about "but I love him though". I didn't want it to be about that, I wanted it to be about the issue.

@OutOfHours absolutley. I am so bad for it. If something negative happens, I think about it, then more, then stew on it, then start thinking the worst. I am my own worse enemy with my inner thoughts.

@crispysausagerolls I know, sorry. I added detail as I know when posts are short people ask for background info. It's a hard balance.

OP’s posts: |
WombatStewForTea Sat 16-May-20 23:34:22

Fuck me that was long, whiny and an unnecessary amount of detail. Got bored around half way through and skim read. But ultimately

Either you trust him or you don't. If you do stop asking for proof of everything. If you don't dump him and move on with your life

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow Sat 16-May-20 23:36:12

I am sure this is the longest OP on MN😱

Ishelyingtome Sat 16-May-20 23:38:31

@wombatstewfortea I wish I could edit it... as I mentioned I wanted to give background so people wouldn't comment asking for more detail. I definitely should have cut it back. Guess I am not a great story teller haha.

I think that is a choice I had to make. This evening, he sent me what I asked for and a massive weight was lifted from my shoulders. I discussed how I had been feeling and important it is for me to trust.
I felt listened to and I listened to him too.
I get myself worked up about the small things and that's something I have to work on as they become big things and then more so over time.

OP’s posts: |
Ishelyingtome Sat 16-May-20 23:39:19

@OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow omg blush I am so sorry. I just wanted to set the scene and rambled on. I wish I could edit it now and cut back.

OP’s posts: |
LEELULUMPKIN Sat 16-May-20 23:40:44

As others have said, way too long so stopped reading after the first 36 paragraphs.

Move on OP, it shouldn't be this much hard work.

Life is way too short for this drama.

Ishelyingtome Sat 16-May-20 23:45:10

@leelulumpkin

You're right, I went on too long. I'll get rid of the post..if I can

OP’s posts: |
Fourfurrymonsters Sat 16-May-20 23:48:20

This is not a good relationship. It shouldn’t be this hard. Move on.

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