Is there something wrong with me?

[Namechange2306]

I’ve name changed for this, as I feel throughly ashamed.
I have an 19 month old and although of course I love him and I don’t want any harm to come to him, I actually don’t think I like him.
The lockdown has just exacerbated everything 10 fold.
I did have PND when he was born, and I think I may still have it.
I breastfed him until he was 11 months.
I now sleep in the spare room upstairs and he sleeps in the bedroom with his dad. His dad is a much better parent than I am.
I just find him really draining and whingey. He never seems to be happy. Smiles sometimes, but is constantly whinging or fake crying while looking at me because he wants his own way.
I just find him very annoying. I feel awful saying it. He doesn’t seem a very happy child and can’t say much at all yet either which doesn’t help.

I feel awful already, so please be kind.

[Bearnecessity]

Sounds like you do still have it, give yourself a break parenting is bloomin hard at the best of times I can't imagine what having a baby is like in lockdown.It will get easier babies are mirrors and will pick up on your tiredness and irritation. Can Dad not do more give you a break, by the way he could be in a room on his own by now and you and your partner can be together...

[FooFighter99]

Oh love, it’s totally normal to feel the way you do, especially given the current lockdown stresses.

It sounds to me like your PND hasn’t gone away so I think it would be a good idea to speak to your GP and get some proper help.

You should also tell your DP how you’re feeling so he can support you

don’t beat yourself up OP, none of us are perfect, DD gets on my last nerve all the time. Just try and get some help

[Aunty5ocial]

He's trying to connect with you. Ease see your GP and get some help

[MarylandMayhem]

is constantly whinging or fake crying while looking at me because he wants his own way

No, it's because he wants to connect with you, he wants affection because he loves you.

You obviously still have PND and need to speak to your GP and HV. Things can and do get better.

[novacaneforthepain]

I don't know much about PND, but I do know it's ok to not like tour own child... as long as you love them and keep them safe.

This lockdown is HARD with children to take care of.
He will change over time and you will probably start to like him when he goes through a different stage.

I agree to see someone about PND though.

[Namechange2306]

Thanks, I feel awful, I know he should be in his own bedroom by now and we tried that, but he screamed the house down night after night and neither of us could just leave him to cry and wouldn’t want to either.

[icansmellburningleaves]

My daughter is 21 and I often think I don’t like her very much. I love her dearly but she’s very selfish and thinks only of herself. I think it’s important not to fall for the social media bollocks about other people’s perfect kids. Please don’t feel ashamed. You’re not doing anything wrong. It sounds like you’re doing a great job in a difficult time. I would also see your gp or health visitor and see if you can get some support. I hope you’re feeling better soon. 💐

[Custardandnoodle]

I didn't bond with my eldest for ages. She was a text book 'high needs' baby/toddler and I resented that I had to spend all my time just trying to stop her melting down.

My husband was much more patient and she was (still is) a daddy's girl which I also resented at the time. I breastfed her until 17 months as she refused to take a bottle and had a dairy allergy. I hated it, felt trapped but couldn't see another way of ensuring she had enough calcium. HV and dieticians were useless.

She didn't sleep. At all. It took it's toll on my body, my marriage and my mental health. I didn't ask for help because how do you admit you wish you'd never had your child? Finally I cracked and went to the gp for antidepressants. Looking back now I wish I'd asked more friends and family for help. For me there was no magic solution, the only thing that helped was time.

This will pass. Be kind to yourself, be kind to your husband. Talk. Ask for help in whatever form you need that to be.

Things change, For me stopping breastfeeding (finally) and going back to work was the best thing in the world and gave me some headspace.

DD started sleeping longer at night. She started communicating more and her frustration lessened. (Although a 3 year old saying 'i hate you' broke my heart). I started carving time out for myself. I felt selfish and guilty because her dad still had a better relationship with her than I did. However, It was still the best thing I ever did. It meant that when I spent time with her I could enjoy it more, be more present.

Things started to improve she's 7 now and a gorgeous, funny, charming, stubborn and sensitive little girl who still hates hugging me and wants her dad to put her to bed, but she leaves me 'I love you mummy' notes and im the one she comes to if she's ill or hurt. I now appreciate she's got an amazing bond with her dad.

This is so long, sorry! I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. Please ask for help and be kind to yourself. It will pass. Hang in there. X

[MrsKypp]

Don't feel bad, it doesn't mean you aren't loving or aren't a good Mum or anything x

Good idea to ask for some help. It's hard at the moment to cope with life, you are not the only one struggling and you deserve some help xxx

[Bluntness100]

Op, I also think you’ve still got pnd, I think you need to give your doctor a call. You’re not bonding with your child and rejecting them, which is likely to do with pnd. As such it’s better to get it fixed right? So speak to your doctor and don’t let this go on longer than it needs to.💐

[TwistyHair]

Firstly, don’t worry about where he sleeps. If him and his dad are happy with the arrangement then it doesn’t matter. The whinging and looking at you is him trying to connect with you. Do you feel resentful of having to ‘give’ emotionally when you feel so drained with it all? Are you getting much time to yourself? It is so so hard to keep giving and responding when you’re feeling burnt out. Try talking to your GP or HV.

[Namechange2306]

I think part of the issue is this lockdown, as normally his grandparents have him for some time and give me/us a break. Or even taking him to playgroups, gives me some time to drink tea or coffee, talk to other mums etc. All that has gone

[caribooshriek]

I had similar feelings after DS was born. He screamed and screamed and screamed... nothing I could do (or not do) to soothe him. He seemed absolutely furious every waking moment. I remember being so frustrated and tired and guilty! I felt like sending him back or rewinding time so that I'd never had a baby! It seems unbelievable now but I remember these thoughts and feelings well. I guess because they were so shocking and unexpected. I had PND but didn't know it at the time. It will pass, OP but do get help.

[DamnYankee]

Ever heard the old saying, "If Mama ain't happy, then nobody's happy." Too true.
Call your GP, stat!

[Aldilogue]

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Kids can be really annoying.
In saying that though look at the situation we are in, it’s not easy for anyone.
Maybe don’t overanalyse how you feel either because if you are alone it never ends well. You said you felt better when you are out and about, seeing friends, grandparents etc.
You may need to see a dr but you may also just need life to go back to normal.
Hang in there.

[Colom]

I didn't bond with my eldest for ages. She was a text book 'high needs' baby/toddler and I resented that I had to spend all my time just trying to stop her melting down.

Same here. I didn't have PND, I don't think I did anyway, I just found adapting to parenthood really, really hard. Doing it in lockdown is miles worse and with a difficult/sensitive child makes it so much harder. Be kind to yourself.

I didn't get that rush of love after she was born. It took a good two years for me to really feel love. It was a difficult birth and I felt nothing really, just relieved it was over. I imagine that must have had some impact on our bond as it was very different with DD2, but then again my expectations were very different the second time around so who knows?

Talk to your GP of course and seek support in any way you can but keep in mind that's it's very normal to struggle with a toddler - in a pandemic of all things!

[ponchek]

You do have some kind of depression, and am v sorry as it does yes make it harder during lockdown.

He's unlikely to say much yet. The more you talk to him, the quicker he will. The more you smile at him, the more he will.

Why does he need to sleep alone? Our DD slept with us until asked to go in her own room (she 5/6?!) and still came in at 2am every night until 8! : D

[Hwyrynos]

He’s not trying to annoy you or get his own way. He’s trying to elicit reassurance and affection from you. When you least feel like cuddling your toddler is often when they need it the most.
Google ‘child directed play’ and give it a go. It’s great for their development but also for bonding between you and your child, it gives you a chance to ‘enter their world’.

Also, I do think you still have pnd, best see a GP

[Bearnecessity]

Hello Namechange

Glad to see more people cropped up with some good advice, for the record I have no problem with parents sharing bed with kids if all parties are happy with it but in this case all parties are not. Often parents who say they love it usually means the mother and child love it and dad suffers it. There are the obvious exceptions as there are no hard and fast rules imo.