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Be brutally honest are we cruel parents or is my dm and older colleagues being ridiculous?

(298 Posts)
Awbu Sat 16-May-20 16:07:14

In a nutshell me and Dh buy houses and renovate them while we live in them.
We have two dc 7 and 4.
Eldest has lived in 3 different houses, ds 2. This has meant we’ve be able to increase money in house from 15k to over 100k and move dc to a much better catchment school in last year.
Obviously it has been disruptive for the dc slightly we had to stay with family for 4 weeks during last renovation as walls knocked down etc.
We are hoping to do another one before we can buy our forever home (hate that term but a home we would stay in forever).
People at office all openly criticised this idea and accused me of being a cruel mum moving them from house to house (these moves btw have been from one village to another 2 miles away). They are all women in their late 50’s/60’s who have had one family home after marriage so I can see why this doesn’t seem ideal to them.
Anyway my dm has gone batshit today after I said we’d move depending on the effects on the market within a year- and accused me of the same ‘cruel to unsettle the children’,
I don’t get this every move has been better than the last more space for dc, nicer village etc but am I being harsh on the dc?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 Sat 16-May-20 16:11:29

I think you know your children best but I suspect that moving house and school so regularly is probably unsettling for them. If it were me, I would probably want to keep at least their school the same.

Awbu Sat 16-May-20 16:12:20

The school and village will definitely stay the same now.

SiaPR Sat 16-May-20 16:13:07

I don’t think so, but then I have moved my kids to multiple countries, so may not be best placed to comment. I do think YABU for even contemplating a forever home though. Do people really want to stay in the same place forever? And if you do then do it now while your kids are young, when they have left home you may not want to live in villages anymore, you may even want to travel.

overandunder9 Sat 16-May-20 16:14:30

I can completely see the benefit of doing it and my own parents often say they wish they had done this. But I would only do it now if now that they are school age, you keep them at the same school. They need one constant.

overandunder9 Sat 16-May-20 16:15:02

Ah cross-posted with the OP’s update.

FTMF30 Sat 16-May-20 16:15:42

I wouldn't say cruel but it doesn't seem like you're putting their best interests first. I think those who are criticising you are being a tad extreme though.

GrimmsFairytales Sat 16-May-20 16:15:43

I wouldn't say it was cruel, but it's likely to be quite unsettling to move so often, especially as it also means moving schools. I understand wanting to move to a better house / location, but you're hoping to do at least one more before finding a forever home. That means your eldest will have moved house at least 5 times as well as staying with relatives, and changed schools at least once.

HoneysuckIejasmine Sat 16-May-20 16:16:09

What do the kids say? Have they had to change schools?

Dogsaremyfavorite Sat 16-May-20 16:16:10

No I don’t think you are cruel.

People move for all sorts of reasons and children are resilient and adaptable. It’s not your intention to live moving from place to place forever, you have chosen this way for a great reason and just ignore the naysayers.

Twotinydictators Sat 16-May-20 16:17:20

If you're not changing schools and the financial reward is worth the upheaval then I think it's worth it. Its not forever. If you are a loving stable family and there is no other stress in their lives to consider then they will barely remember this in years to come.

Batqueen Sat 16-May-20 16:17:23

I think the important thing is to maintain consistency in other ways ie same school, keep up friendships, consistent parenting etc.

Some families move way more due to renting instability or jobs, you are doing this to provide long term financial stability for your family so I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I think it’s also less destabilising at this age than when they are older when they will need space for studying etc.

BlackeyedSusan Sat 16-May-20 16:18:21

It is about making a home for them. It does not have to be in the same building, more about the family unit.

LazyFace Sat 16-May-20 16:19:50

People who work in the army regularly move every couple of years, sometimes to different countries. If they're okay with the mess and have somewhere to study when they need to, I think it's fine. We lived through a two year renovation hell (I'd never do it again) and one of my children just mentioned today how much fun it was when they had to go up the ladder to the second floor etc. You're not cruel at all. Clever, if anything.

happytoday73 Sat 16-May-20 16:19:57

As school and village will stay the same I'd say go for it!
Let them pick how decorate their new bedrooms on each house to help them feel at home

Windyatthebeach Sat 16-May-20 16:21:10

Funnily we have just been talking about house moves. My adult dc say they loved it when we moved!
Your dc are moving with their dps. Both of them.
Sounds like an adventure imo..

Covert20 Sat 16-May-20 16:21:14

For variety of reasons, we have ended up moving about every three years for the last 15 years. This house is now finally (hopefully) the last house we’ll have. My older two kids who are teens, have felt unsettled by it, it isn’t ideal and it isn’t what they would have chosen. I think they feel slightly resentful that their younger siblings are unlikely to remember any house before this one. Whether it’s had a lasting impact on their health/happiness, I couldn’t say.

AngelicInnocent Sat 16-May-20 16:22:19

If you are keeping them at the same school and near the same friends, I don't think it's cruel. I lived in so many different places as a kid and hated having to start a new school every year (sometimes twice in a year).

RaininSummer Sat 16-May-20 16:22:27

I think if you aren't making them change school then it's fine really.

Cherrysoup Sat 16-May-20 16:23:21

I think it’s fine as long as you’re not changing schools every time.

Springcatkin Sat 16-May-20 16:23:37

We moved house about once a year until I was 11. No problem to me - stayed at the same school.

Mippo Sat 16-May-20 16:23:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

totallyoverthisbullshit Sat 16-May-20 16:24:19

DH had lived in twenty-four houses by the time he was 19; that was cruel.

You're moving up the property ladder, surely that's what's best for your children? As long as they don't have to frequently change schools surely that's normal?

Awbu Sat 16-May-20 16:25:42

The school change wasn’t actually down to the move dd could have stayed at old school but she couldn’t settle throughout foundation year and we moved her to her new school as class sizes very small and she’s thriving there now. Luckily as close to old village still see some old school and baby group friends.

Longdistance Sat 16-May-20 16:25:55

Well, it’s not any more different than those who rent and have to keep moving.

We moved to Oz and had to move three times in two years whilst living there, but then we moved back. Dds were baby and toddlers over those years do not in school.

I wouldn’t take any notice. Those that are in the forces move around a lot too. Meh!

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