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To not be happy with DSS living with us during university?

(586 Posts)
Whatnowwww Sat 16-May-20 15:27:58

DSS is off to university 2021. He is here right now during lockdown, he usually lives with his mum 2 hours away. Over breakfast DH and DSS were talking about the UCAS form, and it transpires that DSS is apparently welcome to live with us during uni; we are in London. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the kid and he’s a good boy. But I am PG and I have a 4 year old, I don’t want to either police the actions of an 18 year old but nor do I want to co habit with an 18 year old. Our house is large but it’s my childhood home, not ‘ours’ i.e. not bought with DH’s and my money but my old DF. I know they both respect me but I just feel so possessive over my home whilst at the same so guilty.
The real reason is that when DSS is here, DH and DSS have so much to talk about that I always feel left out for days on end. I know this isn’t intended and they both love me, this just happens. I fall asleep at 8pm most nights whilst they pick some action film to watch. They have more in common with each other then me and DH have in common, I can handle this is small doses but l’m dreading 3 years of this.

OwlBeThere Sat 16-May-20 15:29:40

Yes, YABU.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear Sat 16-May-20 15:30:14

I'm sorry but if you marry someone with a child you have to accept that that child (even if they are now an adult) may come and live with you.

lockdownstress Sat 16-May-20 15:30:59

He's your husband's son. Either you are a family or you aren't. But you need to talk to your husband as they need to act like you are a family. Once uni gets properly going you won't see him for dust I'd imagine due to his social life!

bigchris Sat 16-May-20 15:32:53

If you intervene your marriage will be over

Your relationship with your dh doesn't sound great though to be honest

vanillandhoney Sat 16-May-20 15:32:56


Would you let your DH kick your own 18yo out like that?

zscaler Sat 16-May-20 15:33:09

I think YABU - when you marry someone with kids, you accept that those kids become part of your family unit and share your family space. Even if it’s your childhood home, it still has to be a welcoming space for your step son.

If you’re feeling excluded, try raising it with your DH - maybe you can do a mix of activities that you enjoy too.

Bear in mind as well that once he starts at uni he won’t be around much - he will mostly likely spend a lot of his evenings with friends and / or studying. He won’t be hanging around with your DH every night for 3 years.

You also don’t need to police his activities - let him get on with his life (assuming he’s respectful of your home and obeys any reasonable rules you set down)

chocolatesaltyballs22 Sat 16-May-20 15:33:22

Sorry but I would hate this too and you should have been consulted. I'm surprised he doesn't want some independence while he's at uni to be honest. And I'd be worried that he was expecting me to cook and clean up after him.

ClassicCola Sat 16-May-20 15:36:00

I doubt he will be in much when he goes to uni. Nor will you have to police him.


TheThingWithFeathers Sat 16-May-20 15:36:50

What unis is he applying for? Has your DH said he can live with you IF he gets a place at a London uni? Or is he only applying for unis near you because he expects to be able to live with you?
I think you are being a little unreasonable because he is your husband's son and part of your family. But your DH should have discussed this with you.

Milbo Sat 16-May-20 15:37:11

If you and DH split up and you met someone else surely you would want them to accept your children as they own. Would you refuse your own children staying at home for uni? It sounds like you need a chat with DH about finding some balance and quality time with you too. There needs to be some give and take so you find some things to do together. It sounds like you have the foundations of a great relationship with DH and DSS though so the basis is there. DSS is an adult and yes you can tell him to make his own way but if you’d treat your own children differently it might be worth trying to find another way through this.

Whaleandsnail Sat 16-May-20 15:37:41

Sorry, I think you are being unreasonable. Surely, your husband and son come as a package and when you get with someone with a child, there is always the chance the child could potentially come and live with you at some point.

would you be happy with your husband deciding your kids could no longer live with you once they hit 18? Or object to them moving back in as adults if everything went pear shaped and they needed a place to stay?

Iloveplacentas Sat 16-May-20 15:37:42

Sorry, YABU. If he wants to go to a London uni and you live in London he’d be mad to fork out a fortune in rent rather than live with you. You won’t need to police him, he’s an adult and as long as he treats your home with respect and isn’t into trouble then you can leave him to do whatever he wants. As soon as he starts uni he’ll probably hardly be at yours anyway.

I’d seriously reconsider my marriage with someone who wasn’t welcoming towards my kids, adult or not. Your DH probably should have run it by you first as a courtesy however. If you have young ones in the house, maybe you can ask DSS to babysit so you can go out with your DH?

Lifeaback Sat 16-May-20 15:38:42

I can see where you’re coming from in terms of not wanting to live with an adult uni student full time, and think you’re within reason to be against it for that part. However, the other stuff you’ve mentioned makes you come across as a bit jealous of your DSS- your husband isn’t ‘Yours’ and if you’re married you should be confident enough in your relationship to understand he’s got his own life with different connections with people other than you. When marrying someone with a child you need to understand and accept everything that this brings with it which it sounds like you didn’t do.

One thing to consider though is that your DSS living with you full time as an adult at uni means he likely won’t be spending as much time in the house as he does at the moment- he will have lectures, friends, potentially a part time job. He won’t be there to spend time seeing his father so I think the dynamic will change slightly. Also, it’s quite likely that after the first year when he’s made friends and watched how different their experience is to his he might want to move into a house share with friends to gain some independence/have more of a student experience

Amicompletelyinsane Sat 16-May-20 15:38:47

Maybe him living there it won't be so intense. Whereas normally visiting they are trying to fit a lot in

loutypips Sat 16-May-20 15:39:25

You are jealous of the son of your husband? That's not right. Did you not realise that marrying a man with kids would mean they would be part of your life?
It will be lovely for your husband to see his children living together and great for the kids to have a chance to build a relationship with him.
Anyway, you say you don't want to live with an 18 year old, you do realise that you will be in 14 years time? Look at this as practice!

BillHadersNewWife Sat 16-May-20 15:39:44

God yabu!! It's not YOUR home .... but also your DHS!!

MissMarks Sat 16-May-20 15:40:18

He is only 18. Leave him be, he will be out a lot and it could do so much long term damage if you object.

MitziK Sat 16-May-20 15:40:19

They're being unreasonable on the grounds that moving in with your Dad and his wife is no substitute for actually living as a student for the first time.

There's not a great deal of appeal in having to leave a party by midnight because the parents need to get up at 5am for work, no chance of an impromptu party or spontaneous moment with a potential girlfriend/boyfriend or any of the other daft things students can get up to when they're fortunate enough to have moved out for the first time,

SkylinesTurnstiles Sat 16-May-20 15:40:38

You are being selfish.

mbosnz Sat 16-May-20 15:40:45

I don't think it's on that your DH didn't even think to discuss this with you before offering, particularly as this is your personal family home.

I would be saying to him that he and I need to have a discussion and this should have been done before any offers were made, or plans laid, but since that did not occur, nothing will be decided until we have had some in-depth discussions and reached an agreement between ourselves.

I'd be very open and honest with DH about my concerns, expect him to come up with some undertakings to mitigate them, and also be needing very clear expectations about behaviour and contributions from DSS, and consequences agreed if these are not met.

CSIblonde Sat 16-May-20 15:43:29

Surely once he's built a social circle his time at home will be very limited? He'll prob want to houseshare after the first year to be more like the majority of students too. It's sad you feel excluded. As they're movie buffs, can you have a film night once a week together to start building a mire shared bond? Can you stay awake longer at the weekend? Or nap earlier in the day if sleep issues.

1forsorrow Sat 16-May-20 15:45:20

Do you think he'd stay for 3 years? I just imagine he might like it for a year but when everyone is planning their house shares for year 2 he might like the idea. Would he be going back to his mother in holidays? University terms aren't that long.

Maybe look on it as a positive for your 4 year old?

Rightbutno Sat 16-May-20 15:45:52

Living in London is redic expensive. So on that alone YABU to not want him to live with you. I know you are pregnant and have a young child but just because your partner had a new family doesn't mean the other one doesn't exist and you have no responsibility or duty. It just sounds selfish of you sorry.

HoppingPavlova Sat 16-May-20 15:47:43

Swapping roles if you were my husband and that’s the way he thought I’d leave him in a shot and not glance backward.

You married a man with children, what did you expect? Kids don’t cease to be your kids when they turn 18yo, they don’t suddenly become conveniently disposable. Also, it’s quite common to expect your adult kids to live with you for years in this day and age given the affordability issues with housing. I’m not expecting mine to leave anytime soon. I moved out of home at 18yo and flatted while going to uni (financed by government student payments at the time) and after uni but it’s a completely different economic landscape now.

How would you like your own children booted out come uni?

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