To send DD back to school against ExHs wishes?

[CatWearingashirt]

Situation is; DD is 5, almost 6, in year 1. She has a mobility issue and a slight immature immune system - she basically picks up every cold, bug etc going she’s also had chicken pox twice and may not be immune to it so could get it again, but is generally healthy. She is under orthopaedics and physio for her mobility issue and sees a paediatrician and has had blood tests and booster injections to the normal vaccine programme for children. Her immune system has resulted in hospital admission a few times but she was only a toddler and recovered well both times.

As far as we can tell there is no underlying health problem causing the problems with her immune system, although she is asthmatic and has previously been under the hospital for this (now under paeds as part of the overall picture). Paeds are not sure if she is at an increased risk of complications if she gets CV.

DD was offered a place in school at the start of lockdown as because she misses a lot of school (she has regular paeds appointments which sometimes involve her having to miss school for blood tests, plus weekly physio and has had SALT at various points as her mobility issue causes problems with her muscles) she is “academically delayed” (basically she’s not meeting any of her academic expectations) and therefore classed as vulnerable even though she doesn’t have or need an EHCP but as I was furloughed I decided not to accept it. Both her class teacher and the headteacher have checked in with us regularly. We’ve done some home learning but not everything as I am not only my DDs teacher and parent now I am also her physio, her new best friend etc. It’s been a struggle, and I’ve had a lot of sleepless nights. DD also has had nights without sleep as her issues can cause pain which obviously means I am awake too – I don’t actually remember the last time I got a full 8 hours sleep in 24 at the moment I average between 2 and 4 hours a night.

On Monday her headteacher rang me and said that basically they are expecting DD back in school soon but she will let me keep her off until after half term (back on 8th June). She cannot force me but as she knows DDs situation she thinks now is the time to send DD back. HT has said it’s not a reflection on me as a parent, they are happy with the work she’s done and know I am doing my best.

I am seriously considering sending DD back if I am satisfied with the arrangements. Even if it’s part time to give me a break.

I am a single parent. I split from DDs dad in 2017. We have a CAO but ExH is basically in and out of her life and will regularly go weeks without seeing her, there’s not much I can do we’ve been back to court but the courts felt that some contact between them was better than nothing.

ExH is a keyworker (supermarket) and decided not to see DD throughout lockdown. He has a housemate who is asthmatic but ExH has worked throughout and as far as we know has not had CV or any symptoms (of course he could be an asymptomatic spreader) neither has his housemate.

He thinks that DD should remain out of school. He doesn’t want to put his housemate at risk but is still working himself so also putting his HM at risk. He says he’d like contact to restart (for how long I don’t know) and he’d like to be confident that his housemate is not at risk.

I am waiting for confirmation from my solicitor about this but the HT thinks that as I am the RP as per the CAO (the wording says “DD lives with Resident Mothers and has visitation with None Resident Father”) that it’s my decision.

AIBU to send her back?

YANBU - Send her Back
YABU - Don't send her

[MitziK]

It is your decision.


If he decides that he doesn't agree, he is perfectly at liberty to seek a court's decision upon the matter.

[AnotherEmma]

YANBU at all.

I think you should send her back to school, and if he felt very strongly he could take legal advice about whether he could force you not to, but I think that he would be very unlikely to be successful. You are acting on the advice of the headteacher and in the best interests of your child, with a statement from you accompanied by evidence from school and medical evidence if necessary, you would have a very strong case indeed. The only other thing I would advise is talking to your GP about the impact of the current situation on yours and DD's physical and mental health.

Your ex is being utterly ridiculous about his housemate btw, given that he's going out to his public facing job in a supermarket! His choice to live with a housemate - if necessary they could self-isolate within their household.

[AnotherEmma]

PS I expect you will get a fair amount of people saying YABU, as the general mumsnet mood seems to be very pro lockdown and anti reopening schools. But this is your decision and everyone does what is right for them and their family.

[Devlesko]

I don't know why you are paying for solicitors advice when you are the rp and it's up to you.
Your solicitor must be laughing all the way to the bank.
FWIW I wouldn't be sending mine back, it must be awful environment for them, from the photo's I've seen. Playtime looks awful.

[Festipal]

If your exH reason as to why she shouldn't go back to school is so his flatmate is protected despite
Him putting his flatmate at risk every day due to exposure through his work in a supermarket
Not seeing his DD during lockdown when she was isolated and therefore definitely not likely to pose a risk to his flatmate

Then he's an absolute tool and I'd ignore his opinion.

He doesn't want her to go to school in case he chooses to resume contact with her despite ignoring her during lockdown when she was completely isolated from her friends but actually legally allowed to see him?

No wonder he's an ex!

Our head is actively discouraging kids from going back to school so if your head is actively encouraging DD then they must have good reasons.

[Soubriquet]

Don’t send her. But don’t send her because of him.

Keep her home for her own health. If she picks up everything, why risk it at the moment?

[AnotherEmma]

For all the reasons she's given.

[sonypony]

He doesn't want her to go back to school so he can restart contact without putting his housemate at risk? Tell him to have his contact now before she starts back on the 8th then. He could have been seeing her all the time she's been off and chosen not to, now all of a sudden she's going back NOW he needs to see her and needs her to be isolated to do so... even though he's not isolating himself... I see why he's an ex! I would ignore him and make the decision you believe is in her best interests.

[1willgetthere]

Would I send my DD with an immature immune system and asthma to school while there are more deaths per day than when schools first closed. No.

[Myfriendanxiety]

With the health problems you mention I wouldn’t send your daughter back.

A school in Derby has closed after 2 children tested Positive this week even when it was just key worker children.

[Antipodeancousin]

I would definitely send her back because from your daughter’s perspective it sounds like she is genuinely vulnerable and would benefit from the time to catch up academically. Your parenting (which seems to be 95% of her total parenting?) will also benefit if you are not stretched so thin.
You are not denying the father contact. He is not acting to protect his HM whilst he is still working with the genera public.

[Lucked]

I don’t think a judge in the land will go against a head teacher and mother agreeing a child should be in school. I wouldn’t bother with the solicitor let him go down the legal route if he wishes.

[HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend]

Would I send my DD with an immature immune system and asthma to school while there are more deaths per day than when schools first closed. No.


This, her fathers wishes wouldn’t even come into it, her health would be the reason if she were my child wouldn’t be going to school.

Children re getting CV, however only some are dying.

The figures are higher now than when we went into lockdown.

[goingoverground]

Your ExH's reasoning sounds crazy, he's concerned for his asthmatic housemate but not his immune-impaired DD?

But why would you send your DD back to school when she has issues with her immune system that could put her at risk and the BMA thinks it is too soon to be sending healthy children back to school? Surely you should be seeking further advice from her doctors on whether it is in her best interests to return to school?

[goingoverground]

I don’t think a judge in the land will go against a head teacher and mother agreeing a child should be in school. I wouldn’t bother with the solicitor let him go down the legal route if he wishes.

Unless a doctor disagrees...

[CatWearingashirt]

We're in an area that has had very few infections and no deaths if that adds any perspective, our HT is very much of the attitude that the schools have to open at some point and she'd rather get used to the new measures with few children in so she can work out how it'll work with the whole school in (she told me this).

[june2007]

The schools aren,t doing learning at the moment so educationally she won,t get anything out of it. (if it,s like my school.) Not many children to play with either.I think I agree with oh, and I think now is a good time to encourage visits.

[AnotherEmma]

Ah but "perspective" is non existent when it comes to coronavirus hysteria

[CelestialSpanking]

I personally wouldn’t send her in right now, especially given her health issues. But I wouldn’t be allowing an absent parent (as in one who picks and chooses when he has contact at his own whims and to hell with his child’s welfare) to dictate this. If he feels that strongly he can seek legal advice and go from there.

[megladon2020]

It is your decision and I would send her back. It sounds like it's been really tough for you and your ex hasn't been helping so as you are the rp he doesn't really get to chose.

[CatWearingashirt]

Update: She's going back to school.

I spoke to my solicitor who said it's my decision but check with DDs paediatrician. Emailed the paediatrician and got a generic reply from the secretary saying that it's up to parents to choose whether their child returns to school or not.

Schools rules are pretty good:

• Fulltime but a slightly shorter day to allow to queueing to pick up (finish at 3pm rather than 3.30pm) apart from Friday when they'll close at 1pm (no lunches offered on Fridays apart from to FSM)
• Bubbles of 15 with one teacher and one TA, they'll be "year group" bubbles so she'll be in a year 1 bubble
• No mixing of bubbles
• Each bubble will have their own toilet block which will be deep cleaned at the end of the day (so they'll be mixed girls and boys toilets for each bubble but I'm not concerned about that at this age) in year 6 they'll assign a cubicle for boys and a cubicle for girls per block, no urinals in use for any age.
• No restrictions on using the toilets
• Staggered play and lunchtimes with one way systems into and out of the classrooms, so they'll enter through one door and exit through another (thankfully all classrooms have at least two doors to allow this). There will be two groups outside at a time; 1 on the KS2 playground and one on the Reception/KS1 playground, no mixing between the playgrounds.
• No outside play equipment, no friendship benches.
• Lunchtime assistants will supervise playtime and lunchtimes but children will not be able to approach. They will stand in a marked box and speak to the children from 2 metres away
• Nothing bought from home or sent home apart from lunchboxes for those children not on FSM and anything medical that has been approved by school before the lockdown (so inhalers, epipens, insulin etc.) - lunchboxes must be a plastic box and all contents must be disposable packaging
• One person per child allowed to pick up even in separated families, handovers can take place off of school premises away from the building so the HT doesn't see (basically "I know you're going to switch households but if I see it I can't let the child back into school so do it where I can't see")
• No Social Distancing between children but adults will be expected to try to stay 2m from the children however First Aid will be offered and if children struggle after a toileting accident parents will be called to collect the child
• Books have been laminated so they can be cleaned after each use
• Soft toys and dolls removed from the Reception and Year 1 classrooms but all other toys will remain on a rota system so will spend 1 day a week with each bubble, they will be cleaned each day.

- Two extra cleaners hired who will work all day and assist teachers and teaching assistants with cleaning

I am satisfied with this and think DD will enjoy the experience even if it's different