AIBU to tell a friend with anxiety I can’t cope with having her to stay again?

[Partygal]

I thought she was a lovely person until she stayed before. Then I saw a whole new side of her. When she mentioned she has anxiety the penny dropped.

She was rude to me on a couple of occasions. Her worrying over the slightest thing did my head in. I don’t think she has a clue how neurotic and selfish she is.

I can’t deal with a woman in her 50s who keeps asking how she looks before we went out for the evening. She changed three times until I insisted we got going. When I said I was tired and wanted to leave the nightclub we were at, she said she wanted to stay on. I had given my two friends who were staying a key and asked her if she had it, so she could let herself in when she came back. The response was tears welling and “I can’t get a cab home on my own’ - the taxi rank is over the road from the club we were at. She insisted that my other friend and I stay out with her.

She has asked to stay again a couple of times, and I have made diplomatic excuses. Then she asked again this week, and I used the Mumsnet standard reply, “it doesn’t work for me.”

She’s just rung and asked me if we could fix a date for her to visit, she says she “needs” some time away.

She’s not staying again. She makes me uncomfortable in my home and I’m not having that. I’m not a doormat for her to be rude to when she’s having an anxiety attack. I can’t deal with a woman in her 50s who can’t take responsibility for herself.

I might sound like I don’t like her, but I do. I know she can’t help it, and I want to support her. However, I am going to have to be honest and say why she can’t stay. Any help on how to do this would be appreciated.

[VisionQuest]

She shouldn't be staying with you any way at the moment.

Coronavirus is a convenient excuse!

[Partygal]

Sorry to be clear she is asking to stay again when lockdown is lifted and she is permitted to travel.

[Ihaveamind]

I would mention the incident in the nightclub and just say you are not comfortable being put in a caretaking role by a peer.
So you think it best if she doesn't stay.
If she is the type to insist on you staying in a nightclub past the time you want to and you weren't able then to refuse and leave when you wanted.
I think this will blow up in to a row. I'm sorry.

[Babymamamama]

If she really kept pushing I'd be tempted to gently tell her how she was last time she stayed. I.e. It was stressful and made you uncomfortable.

[mummmy2017]

Tell her you found having someone else in your home increadabley stressful, and your unsure about your work timetable.
If she wants to book a hotel and meet up , that your up for that.

[LaureBerthaud]

Why do you keep mentioning her age as though a women in her 50s isn't as susceptible to insecurity and anxiety as a younger person?

If she's your friend, why not ask her what's going on and how you can help?

[Siameasy]

Yanbu this is draining and she’s an adult. It would be good if you could tell her how weary she is but it’s probably not going to work out. These type of people seem to be extremely fragile and explosive

[rookiemere]

Finally coronavirus has a use! Best excuse ever, never to have unwanted guests. Just tell her that you'd not feel comfortable with her staying as you might subject her to unnecessary germs. Lather and repeat until a vaccine is developed.
If one is, the say that the whole situation has given you anxiety about having guests and you're sure she'd understand.

(Sorry to drag the C word into a blissfully non-related thread ).

[JesusInTheCabbageVan]

Well, some of that she can help, and some she can't. If she wasn't happy getting a taxi alone, she had no right to insist you stay out with her.

[Chickychoccyegg]

well you could just tell her just now there's no point organising anything at all this year, as we're not even allowed to meet up with family, never mind having a friend to stay, clubs and restaurants also wont be opened for ages, tell her due to coronavirus its not happening this year, or get to the point as others have said and tell her how awkward it was last time.

[ThinkPink71]

Its a tough one. I have a friend who is the same and I found myself making excuses. In the end I have turned it around on myself....and just said sorry I'm quite antisocial and I dont really like having people in my space. Shes got used to it now and we kind of make a joke about it (me being anti social). I didnt want to hurt her feelings so It seemed the easiest thing to do as I too didnt want to feel like a sitter.

x

[HarrietTheShy]

Tell her you have some 'family drama' going on and you can't commit to anything for the near future. If she presses you for more info, say you don't want to get into it, it's all very stressful, etc.

[Partygal]

I’m not anti-social I have friends staying a lot. I have a friend from overseas who was coming, but for obvious reasons we’ve had to postpone. She mentioned this in response to a post I made on Facebook yesterday. Neurotic friend saw it.

We have other friends in common who I’d happily have here anytime I’m able to. Now I feel it’s bit cruel to exclude her, which means I can’t have anyone in that particular group.

[Partygal]

I don’t want to make excuses that have nothing to do with the problem. I want to tell her why I don’t want her staying here, as kindly as possible.

[imsooverthisdrama]

Well like someone else said you can't make plans yet anyway so just say no no point in planning anything yet and no one will be staying for the foreseeable.
She does sound very draining I couldn't cope with that .

[Lampan]

Maybe she has anxiety but I don’t think that explains any of the behaviour you have described. She sounds selfish and self-absorbed.
If you don’t want to explain to her why past incidents have put you off inviting her again, just keep repeating that there’s too much uncertainty and you can’t make any plans. Maybe suggest she books a hotel or a visit to another friend when she is allowed to.

[imsooverthisdrama]

. I want to tell her why I don’t want her staying here, as kindly as possible.
Tbh I think at the moment it would be very unkind to say anything like that .
What would be the point until you can actually have her stay.
Wait until lockdown over and people can freely mix households at least .
Then if you must there will be no kind way of saying you are too draining for me .

[zscaler]

If you really want to tell her, try and keep it as factual and impersonal as possible.

Say that you enjoy her company and think of her as a good friend, but that you found it difficult managing your different expectations about the trip and it let to some discomfort for you. Say you would love to spend time with her again but think you would both be more comfortable if she would book a hotel, so you can have the freedom to come and go as you please.

Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s any way for you to be honest without causing her to feel embarrassed or defensive, but if you can try to frame it as an issue of incompatibility rather than as something wrong with her, it might take the sting out of it.

[redcarbluecar]

It's not unreasonable for you to stay friends with her but not want her to stay. I think telling her that her anxiety is the reason might lead you into a bit of a tangled conversation though. I would just find a way to tell her it's not convenient to make arrangements at the moment, without going too far into reasons.

[Cherrysoup]

You have to be honest and tell her what you’ve told us. Maybe consider if you’re being used, you make it sound like people use your house like a hotel.

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

I dont think it's just anxiety that's the issue - she sounds really bossy! Ok if she didnt want to get a taxi home by herself but its rude to insist others stay out just because she wants to. Though that could happen on a night out even if she wasnt staying at yours. Also inviting yourself to someones house when they have not really been enthusiastic about setting a date etc is a bit rude. And lastly a lot of people have anxiety and manage not to be rude! I'm not sure there is an easy way of doing it though without offending her, if she knows that you generally have other visitors. If you want to be honest you could say you felt upset at a few things she said to you or did last time and you value the friendship and dont want to put it under the pressure of staying together again. But if she is generally selfish and rude are you that worried if she takes offence and doesnt see you much any more?

[Merryoldgoat]

Be honest and clear, but not unkind:

Susan, I don’t think you visiting again is good idea. I found your last visit really stressful and didn’t enjoy myself and I’m surprised you did to be honest. I just don’t think our personalities mesh well in that kind of situation. Sorry if this is disappointing for you.

The reality is she’ll take it badly either way so your friendship is effectively over so try to do it in a way you can feel good about yourself.

[TryTry123]

Say, sorry but no. She seems to be persistent, she should respect your boundaries. If you want a relationship tell her why and try to work on it, with your boundaries. You don't owe her anything. Really, life is too short for this kind of stress.

[Windyatthebeach]

Just tell her you aren't up to visitors.. Or get a pet snake /cat /dog if that would keep here away!!

[dontgobaconmyheart]

The poor woman, anxiety is bloody awful and disabling OP, she will be suffering deeply. Saying she is a 'woman in her 50's' makes it sound like you think she is too grown up to be 'behaving' this way which is incorrect, and frankly, unpleasant. Anxiety does not discriminate age. She isnt trying to make a fuss, she is hurting, clearly things are very hard for her if she cannot evenmanage a taxi by herself and is tearing herself apart trying to go out things must be very bad.

You don't have to have anyone to stay if you don't want, obviously-but no need to talk about her so unpleasantly over something she can't help, or indeed, be friends with her at all.
Perhaps ask her if she is getting medical help or if she is alright during lockdown instead or if there's anything she needs. I can't see that taking it upon yourself to point out how difficult she is to be around and how abnormal she is and how it spoils your social life so you don't want to include her- is going to help the poor woman. Who needs enemies eh.

You cant meet up regardless it's moot, there is no point making plans at the moment and you have a valid excuse not -just be kind and check in on her.