Angry message from DD's boyfriends mum

[richele4]

Background: DD is 19, boyfriend is 20, been together for almost 3 years. When lockdown was announced DD moved out of uni accommodation and in with her boyfriend and his family (mum, dad, brother).

Tonight DD rings me upset and says that she had an argument with boyfriends mum and was told she wasn't welcome to stay there anymore. She asked if could come and stay with us instead (boyfriend included). Don't bash me for this, I know the rules say you can't switch between households but it's my daughter, of course I said yes. Asked what the argument was about and she said that boyfriends mum shouted at her for not doing enough housework and not contributing enough towards shopping. I've never asked how much DD was contributing towards food or bills because she's an adult with a job and can sort that herself. I know that she was paying weekly towards shopping (and getting them discount because she works at Tesco) and also giving some money for rent and bills, I just don't know how much.

DD and boyfriend due to come to ours from tomorrow which is totally fine.

Anyway, I received a message from boyfriends mum saying how disgusted she was with DD's behaviour while she's been living there. Saying that she was messy, waking up in the afternoon, only cooking and cleaning for herself, eating more food than she was paying for... Essentially, "treating the place like a hotel."

Firstly, DD works evenings into the night, often not arriving home until 3 or 4 in the morning, so if she wakes up in the afternoon then it's because she was up half the night? Secondly, DD has always been the cleanest person I know. Her room or bathroom was never untidy when she lived at home and she hated when dishes weren't cleaned immediately after use. As for only cooking and cleaning for herself, if she's working then her mealtimes fit around her hours, it's always been that way.

I find it hard to believe that DD has changed her personality and all her mannerisms in the 8 months it's been since she lived at home. Obviously I will talk to her about it tomorrow because I would hate for my daughter to have been rude and taken someone else's hospitality for granted.

I just want to know if IABU to ignore the message and not get involved? I don't want to cause conflict. I don't feel like I should have received a message from her in the first place, she argued with DD who is an adult, surely it's not my business to get involved in my grown up daughters affairs? I don't believe a lot of what she said in her message either but I suppose I will find out how much of it is true in the weeks to come when they're living with us.

I just don't feel like it's my business to get involved. They're adults and it's between my DD and her boyfriends mum. I've only spoken to her a couple of times over the years. AIBU to ignore it or send something like "I'm sorry, I am not getting involved". Or do you think it's my responsibility as a parent to make sure things get resolved?

[richele4]

Wow sorry didn't realise it was that long!

[QueenOfPain]

I would just message his mum back and say something non-commital like “thanks for letting me know” and then don’t be drawn into anything further with her. And then host them both at yours going forward.

[QueenOfPain]

Some people are just too thick and narrow minded to get their head around shift work and how it might shift the set up of someone’s day and eating pattern.

[Selfsettling3]

Definitely don’t reply. Or at least don’t reply for a few day and see if you want to send a message later saying either I’m not surprised someone on night shift needs to sleep in but as DD and her son are adults any issues she had with them dont involve you. The worst thing you can do is reply to an angry text message.

[Chinchinatti]

I'd reply 'Sorry it didn't work out, they're coming here now so are safe'.

[Purpleartichoke]

I would ignore it.

Once things have settled a bit, I would also have a talk with your dd about how choosing to live with someone else’s parents is almost always a horrible idea. There are enough issues to work out with sharing a house with your romantic interest. Once you add other people to the mix it gets much harder. Once you add the parent dynamic to the mix it is a recipe for disaster.
Speaking of which, the boyfriend really should stay at his parents place.

[BlackeyedSusan]

I would be tempted to reply: she works until three am, she comes home, eats her tea, and goes to bed for eight hours sleep. Of course she gets up in the afternoon.



But probably best to leave it.

[paininthepoinsettia]

I would completely ignore it. As you say they are adults, let them sort it out. The mum is probably just very frustrated and feeling a lack of privacy in her own home, there have been so many similar threads on here.

[chardonm]

Tricky. I would defs ask your dd about it before you respond.

[Mediumred]

I think you are absolutely right not to get involved, whatever the truth of the situation what could the other mum hope to achieve by involving you when a) you weren’t there and b) your daughter is an adult. I also think it’s fine that your daughter and her boyfriend are coming to stay with you. She’s been thrown out of her accommodation, where else could she go, surely this comes under the category of ‘necessary move’.

Just chat to your daughter when she gets home. I guess if your daughter is such a slattern as the other mum makes out then you will find out! (But bet she’s not and also well done to her as a key worker)

[ProseccoBubbleFantasies]

I'd go for "that is between you and DD/BF" And leave it there

You'll v quickly find out if she was justified or not when they're living with you

I'm wondering if this is the other side of a common complaint on here which goes...
OP. Annoyed with my MIL for x y a
MN. You don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH/DP problem


I wonder if this is that her issue isn't with your DD, it's with her son

[Chinchinatti]

Your basic requirement is to inform her that they're with you and are safe. Keep out the fuck of anything else. You'll get no thanks.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

I wouldn’t say anything at all for now.

What an awkward situation for your dd.

[popsydoodle4444]

Wow she (the boyfriends mum) sounds delightful 🙄.

She sounds really controlling Tbh.

[Womanlywiles]

if you do get "dragged into it" by more texting that you can't ignore, I would tell dd and her boyfriend and then include you all in a group text chat, so there aren't numerous conversations being had. Don't forget this is a very stressful time for everyone and it might have not been the best time to introduce a new person into a family dynamic (yr dd at her BFs). So try to take that into account and encourage everyone to deescalate the situation going forward.

I would also have a chat with DD and her BF about expectations and reasonable house rules going forward so you're not throwing him out next month!

[redbigbananafeet]

The mum probably feels embarrassed that they're chosen to come to stay with you and leave hers and is trying to justify it. Just say "Thank you for having them for all this time, I'll make sure they're safe for the time being"

[T0tallyFuckedUpFamily]

I bet she’s actually kissed at her son, if he’s messy, but rather than dealing with that, she’s blaming your daughter.

[Maduixa]

My first thought was that throwing anyone out during the pandemic is pretty questionable, and it sounds like the BF's mother didn't even know for sure she had a place to go. She may be trying to justify her actions to you, to the rest of her household and her son, and/or even to herself. Of course some or all of it could be true, but as the part about the late rising seems so unreasonable that it's likely some of the rest is just miscommunication, misunderstandings, or genuine differences in standards.

I would not reply, at least not until after you've spoken with your daughter. I do think it was (probably) inappropriate of her to send it. Your daughter is young even though she's an adult and if she'd been involved in something dangerous or illegal or self-harming that would be a different story, but this sounds mainly like venting on the mother's part.

[OzziePopPop]

My parents have had several letters from my ex’s parents (his dp are separated and remarried to others). Apparently I’m unreasonable 😀 This man, who holds down a high powered full time consultants role, told me repeatedly that he was ‘actually god’ (in total seriousness). He also thought my dd, not his child, was ‘blessed’ and could faith heal by laying on hands (because her hands got hot when you held them, odd that!). I finally gave up and turfed him out of my house, which I fully own and did before we met and they accused me of making him go and live in a garage... translation his db and df (and db’s family, df’s new wife etc) wouldn’t let him live in the house with them and instead gave him a sofa bed to stick in the (very posh, heated/boarded etc) garage. This was after I paid for a rental property for him for six months despite him earning six figures... I’m so horrible 😀😂😀

Anyway, my point is some parents just are unreasonably involved in their adult kids lives. I was 30, him 31!

[user1473878824]

I think a cursory “thank you for letting me know” and leave it at that would be best. If you ignore it she’ll take issue because she clearly has with everything else, and then just pfffft let it all go. She’s clearly a bit of a dick. BUT then do see that it’s like with the two of them living with you.

[Aclh13]

Either ignore completely or say, "don't worry they are coming to mine tomorrow so I'll keep track of who is the messy one."

[Aclh13]

Don't put thanks for letting me know because then she will think she's in the right and that you're backing her up completely

[Thepigeonsarecoming]

I would also agree with just a polite but dismissive “thanks for letting me know your feelings, they are welcome here” They could be your daughters parent in laws one day so no need for further tensions at this point

[arianwe]

I would definitely respond with what @Chinchinatti said. They way you have responded but there is no emotion involved in your reply and it shows you won't be dragged in to an argument about any of it.

It's a very final message as well, so hopefully she won't bombard you with messages. Hopefully she just text in the heat of the moment and will realise she's being unreasonable.

[NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite]

I wouldn't ignore the message as some have suggested. Why would you? That would be rude. I would say "Thanks for letting me know and for letting DD stay with you". I wouldn't then speak to DD about it because, as you say, she's an adult and it isn't your business.

If you speak to her, she will modify her behaviour so, if she has been treating the place like an hotel, you won't know. Just see how things are going forward. She could have changed in 8 months whilst at uni.