To be annoyed with MIL

[nicannie]

Like many other mums out there, we have a 'lockdown baby' who was born in middle of March. Unfortunately it means that neither of our parents have had the chance to meet our little girl which of course is so hard for everyone.

My mum will come to the window and wave, just so she can see her briefly and safely. Which is heartbreaking, but it keeps us all safe and means she can at least see her.

However, my MIL just can't understand the lockdown thing. She keeps asking 'so when can we come and see her?'. It's like the rules don't apply to her, she hasn't listened to the lock down rules at all and still continues to socialise in terms of has her sister round to the house regularly etc. One time in the car outside her house we rolled the window down thinking she would keep her distance and she put her hand in the car and touched little ones face - which freaked me out if I'm honest. Am I being paranoid ? I feel like I'm being made feel like the bad one but in all honesty I am just following the rules and keeping my baby safe as well as myself.

She even went as far as texting me today and asking if I wanted her to take baby for a while along with my two dogs so I could get some 'me time' which I just thought was a strange text considering the circumstances and I didn't know how to respond to it.

Considering we are in lockdown and I've not been able to have the 'new baby' family time and meet ups etc I planned, I'm feeling fine and enjoying the time just me baby and DP. It's giving us great bonding time as a family unit and allowed me to get into a nice little routine with her. It's just this grey kind of cloud hanging above with the MIL. I fear what it will be like when she can eventually come round to the house etc... and that it might be overpowering.

Sorry this was so long winded, I just feel really guilty like it's me stopping everyone from seeing my baby when it really isn't my fault, my side of the family all understand, all following the guidelines set and never give me a hard time over it.

[nicannie]

Sorry if that all sounds a bit 'me me me' or pathetic - just read it back and I sound so whiney!!!

[Halloweenbabyy]

I’m due in June. Absolutely no one will be touching by baby or coming into my house at all. Not happening at all.

Touching your baby was a dick move, I’d have gone mad.

[JustAddCoffee91]

I have a 4 month old (Christmas Day baby) and a 18 month old and nobody steps foot inside my house never mind touch them, your baby has to be your no1 priority and your MIL needs to be taking things a little more seriously
Yeah she's probably exited and all that but surely baby's health should override that

[Ilovechinese]

Just tell her straight she can't come round or take your baby as in case she hasn't noticed we are in the middle of a world wide pandemic and no one is allowed to mix households so she definitely shouldn't be coming anywhere near a vulnerable newborn who immune system hasn't developed at all!

[nicannie]

@Halloweenbabyy how exciting, not long left! Are you completely isolating right now yeah?

Thank you for agreeing with me, I really struggled not to go mad but I am worried it causes a divide between me and my DP, as I understand it's his mum but it's hurting us all equally. He seems to think it's slightly different as it's his mums first grandchild where as my mum already has two, but it doesn't change the situation at all. I think if it was up to him he would allow everyone to just be around us but I obviously put my foot down and he accepted it and supports my decision. It's just his mum that doesn't seem to agree with it and keeps pushing and asking to see her

[nicannie]

@JustAddCoffee91 completely agree with you. Glad it's not just me and you have babies a little older than my girl. I think she either just thinks it 'won't happen to them/us' or something like 'if your going to get it you'll get it'. It's really frustrating for me. And I imagine DP feels like he's in the middle

[LouiseTrees]

Can your partner reply to your mother in law and be like “ WTF mum, we don’t need us or the baby potentially getting sick, isolate you twat”. Maybe not in those words but I feel like your partner should assist you in the messaging here and be very clear and strong with it.

[nicannie]

@Ilovechinese I definitely told my DP to tell her that as I felt it was his place to give the initial do not come round. About a week after she was born, she arrived uninvited to our house, and brought her sister in. I went absolutely mad, and that was when the relationship between me and her kind of ceased as I think she wasn't happy at me turning full on do not enter my home. It's so frustrating that everyone seems to understand but her. I feel like I'm going round in circles with it all

[nicannie]

@LouiseTrees he told he has told her to not come to the house and that he cannot see her due to the pandemic but she obviously doesn't get it. I think she really gives him a hard time over it as he will occasionally just say 'my mum text me asking when she can see Baby' - it is really awkward for me and him I guess. But I'm sticking to my guns.

[alexdgr8]

i think you just have to be firm.
try not to get caught up in the emotional tangles, just state it as a matter of fact. the less said the better, and repeat as necessary, or say/ write i refer you to my previous answer.
broken record technique.
i think you need to assert yourself, before she invades your life after lockdown. and have the confidence to be assertive. just assume she is ignorant and needs to be informed. like you would to a school child.

[Ilovechinese]

Well tell her to respect it and she can see baby when all this is over and if she doesn't respect it and listen now she might never see baby! What a bitch she sounds!

[LouiseTrees]

You absolutely should. My worry from your previous replies though is maybe he doesn’t understand the seriousness of it either. Especially the first grandchild thing. What if she infected your baby, then there could be zero grandchildren. Stand your ground. The baby won’t even know she’s there if she was in the room ( their vision isn’t fully developed). She’s being very selfish.

[nicannie]

@alexdgr8 I think your totally right. I just find it difficult, how do I ensure that she doesn't invade our lives after lock down?!

[Lemon27]

YANBU.

I also had a baby in March and similar circumstances except my MIL & FIL visited the day we came home from hospital which was just before lockdown announced. No one has been to see baby since then (which altho a little lonely I agree, has been lovely too to have total newborn bonding time as a family).

My issue now is not with my MIL but my FIL. When things start to ease and they want to visit I am not sure I want them to or hold the baby. I know for a fact that, despite MIL actively obeying all restrictions and being very careful, FIL certainly has not and has continued to meet with other family members of his who absolutely don’t believe in the lockdown and are therefore in no way socially distancing or doing anything recommended. He also has carried on in his side line of business (he’s retired but sells certain items as a semi hobby) which has resulted in him meeting strangers to do so. Which invalidates all of MIL’s efforts as they live together.

You’re not being in any way paranoid. Since I read a 6 week old baby in the US died from Covid I have been more aware of the dangers to babies and terrified.

Not sure how I’m going to handle it so not much use sorry but you’re absolutely not alone in feeling that and for now at least just keep fobbing her off and say you don’t feel comfortable leaving the baby regardless of all this.

[nicannie]

@Ilovechinese this wouldn't be the first time I admit she is a bit of a bitch. Feel guilty, but it's true. She didn't like when DP moved out etc there has been various times where me and her have clashed and I fear this one might be the big one.

[LouiseTrees]

I think you need to get your partner to say to her that in order to meet the baby a) it needs to be legal to do so and b) she has to have shielded apart from shops for 14 days.

[nicannie]

@LouiseTrees I don't think he understands the seriousness of it either, or he does and doesn't want to abide by it all. Either way, one or the other. That's what I keep saying, how could anyone live with themselves if they infected one of us with this virus god forbid.

[LouiseTrees]

Has he been shown the video circulating of the baby with Coronavirus? Might help him think twice.

[nicannie]

@Lemon27 we basically had the same. Our baby was born the day right before official lockdown. So we managed to get the immediate family in the once, but as it was our first day home it was a very quick in and hold of baby and out the door. But even at that, my step dad refused to hold just in case and to be safe. And my sister and my dad also didn't come round due to their jobs they were worried they had already been in contact with someone who may have had it.

Wow your situation sounds exactly like mine. But it's MIL and FIL for me. It's honestly so similar. That's such a shame for your MIL, it must be so frustrating for her.

I actually screenshotted that story to show my DP, and he was shocked. Thank you, definitely sticking to my guns and telling her no especially right now.

[nicannie]

@LouiseTrees thank you I think that's a good idea, but number 2 I know she will not abide too already

[Cherrysoup]

I think your totally right. I just find it difficult, how do I ensure that she doesn't invade our lives after lock down?!

Just drop Little rocks in conversation with your dh, like how many times you will expect visits. ‘So after lockdown is lifted, I expect we won’t see people too often, I mean, I want to keep baby’s routine’ etc.

Or if you can be totally honest, just say to him that you’re worried she’ll be round all the time and to be honest, it’s not what you want. I’d go the honest route, he’s your dh, tell him your concerns.

[nicannie]

@Cherrysoup thank you, I think the hint dropping or even straight to the point now before lockdown is lifted is a good idea so we are both in the same page which will be best all around.

[Mummyofmay2020]

Not wrong at all!!

[justasking111]

No not wrong, I know a MIL like this will not stay at home at all. Her daughter considered having her to stay during lockdown but changed her mind knowing she would not stay safe.

[Frazzledmum123]

I'm not overly worried about catching it tbh and probably the most relaxed in my friendship group but even I get where you are coming from and have had similar issues with my PIL which drive me mad. I actually have a good relationship with them but my MIL has driven me potty. I get it is ridiculously hard for her but what's annoyed me is the attitude that somehow she is more important than everyone else, she has constantly asked to have them to 'help me work from home' despite them not being much of a hassle and will find excuses to drop stuff off and then put her hands out whilst saying 'oooh I just so need a cuddle' which actually upsets them. My DH suggested we meet in a park for a picnic now you are allowed and I said no way as I know she wont respect the distance. I do love her and can't deny my kids miss her but it's like she sees herself as more important/needed than ever other grandparent which tbh I find a bit insulting!