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To have a problem with this.

(20 Posts)
user8558 Thu 14-May-20 22:50:43

Not a problem there is any point in voicing. But it's bothering me. I wonder if I'm being unreasonable though, and I think I'd like to be told that I am so I can just deal with it.

It's a coronavirus one. My sister spends a lot of time with our parents as she lives directly next door in a very small place, she has very young kids and so despite technically separate addresses they've always been sort of the same household anyway. She really needs their support. But the issue is our father, who is elderly and has almost every risk factor there is for covid. He's not a well man. My brother in law, sisters partners parents are shielding and he regularly travels into town and to their village to run errands for them (they stay in the house, and he does garden odd jobs etc, no contact) but this is multiple times a week.

What my problem is, is that he is affording them the privilege of being able to shield (they're not officially shielding, as in letters from govt, they're just not leaving house and living in isolation) while this is putting my dad at risk. Ideally he should be shielding himself and my sister should just deal with the kids on her own.

But it would be far easier and safer for her if Bil wasn't going round town several times a week.

I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't be bothered about this. I just worry about my dad. I think it's unfair of my Bil to prioritise his parents safety over mine, if it's safe enough for my Dad then it should be safe enough for his.

God, flame me, I'm ready.


OP’s posts: |
user8558 Thu 14-May-20 22:59:02


OP’s posts: |
RoosterPie Thu 14-May-20 23:02:37

I don’t understand the scenario to be honest. BIL lives with your sister and by extension your father, but is running errands for his parents? Is your father shielding?

PerfidiousAlbion Thu 14-May-20 23:03:33

Ive read it twice but cant make head nor tale of it sorry.

Vellum Thu 14-May-20 23:05:32

But if he’s in the garden cutting the grass and they stay in the house, surely your BIL isn’t putting your father at any increased risk?

user8558 Thu 14-May-20 23:06:40

Yes, sister lives with brother in law, her partner, they live with my parents.

No one is officially shielding, but the least well person is my Dad.

Brother in law doing several errands a week for his parents who don't allow him in their house. In case he caught something from all the shops he visits for them.

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RoosterPie Thu 14-May-20 23:09:20

If I understand your concern correctly, which is that BIL is going out and about to endure his parents can shield but in doing so making himself a bigger risk to your vulnerable father, then in principle YANBU.

I also agree with PP if he is staying outside at their home he’s not really at risk so it depends what he is doing for them when he “goes into town”.

I think the best solution is your BIL can continue to protect his parents and your sister can protect yours by not going round to their house, next door or not.

LouiseTrees Thu 14-May-20 23:10:33

It’s your sisters responsibility to shield her parents by not passing the kids or anything else to them. Your brother in law is looking after his parents who are presumably vulnerable due to age, they might not be as vulnerable as your dad. Both sets of parents could be shielded. Speak to your sister (without BIL around) about your worries but in a non judgemental way.

tiqtok Thu 14-May-20 23:12:34

Look after the least well person first, then next least well till you get to the most well person at the end.

user8558 Thu 14-May-20 23:14:50

It bothers me because the person who will be most inconvenienced by this is my sister herself. She is alone with very young children in a very small space. Yes it's possible. But to a huge detriment to her wellbeing and quality of life. My mum helps her with dinner, laundry etc. It is possible my sister isolates, but it's a high cost to her when his parents could book a tesco slot. (We have no problem getting weekly deliveries - it's not that they can't. And surely they can maybe expect one weekly trip instead of 3 different shops 3 times a week)

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RoosterPie Thu 14-May-20 23:16:55

Why is your sister alone? Doesn’t BIL live with her?

Does sound like 9 shops a week is excessive though.

user8558 Thu 14-May-20 23:18:11

He does, but he's always in town or at his parents.

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LouiseTrees Thu 14-May-20 23:18:54

As I say speak to your sister. Maybe there’s things you don’t know about his parents and they’ve already had the discussion you are playing through in your head. Ask if she can go a walk and phone you.

user8558 Thu 14-May-20 23:21:49

She knows it's not ideal, can't discuss it as I vaguely questioned it before and my thoughts were clearly unwelcome.

Maybe there is something I'm unaware of. But he's putting her in a very shitty position.

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ColdCottage Thu 14-May-20 23:25:49

If this were me I would raise your worries.

Firstly if ask if both your sisters family/parents could get a delivery or a click &collect which BIL could then drop their share to his parents too. Hence not shops.

If he feels he has to go into shops I'd probably politely question why and depending on answers go from there.

I would be upset/worried this situation too.

Also BIL needs to stop copping out by spending his days gardening for his parents and help you sister.

Pipandmum Thu 14-May-20 23:26:46

Her partner needs to look after his kids and partner's needs first, then his parents. Your sister should not expect your mothers help if her husband is vulnerable, or your father should isolate within his own home.
Unless he is in the shop all day what is her partner doing? Is he able to go to work? It seems the problem is more your sister needing help from her partner, not that he is giving help to his parents.

LouiseTrees Thu 14-May-20 23:27:12

Maybe just suggest he goes less often. Offer to set up online shopping for them, so it’s not left to him or her to do. Say “so I’ve been thinking about ways I could help from afar” to start the conversation. Other than that there’s little you can do.

ProseccoBubbleFantasies Thu 14-May-20 23:28:57

So, you want your BIL to isolate more so your DSis can isolate less?

arethereanyleftatall Thu 14-May-20 23:30:38

But your sister/mum are the 'worse' culprits by actually going inside each other's houses? Can you explain why your sister and her partner need help looking after their own kids?

BrummyMum1 Fri 15-May-20 00:01:34

You can voice your concern but don’t be disappointed or cross if they don’t follow your advice. There are lots of family disagreements happening at the moment over things like this.

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