I feel like an awful mother, lockdown MH crisis

[oldlongjohnson]

I feel like I'm losing my mind and I'm not sure what to do. Background info: history of anxiety and mild depression (antidepressants for 5 years 2012 - 2017) had mild PND for about 6 months after birth of my son and CBT helped. Before all this I was working 2 days a week, I was made redundant just before lockdown (was planned for months.)

I have been at home with my DS for almost 8 weeks now. He's such a good boy, he is a good sleeper and sleeps 7-7 easily enough and he naps for around 2 hours a day, so I really have nothing to complain about! He's my absolute favourite person in the whole world and I love him dearly but - I can't take it any more. I can't parent all day everyday any longer. I feel snappy, irritable and moody constantly, I feel so tired and lethargic I just want to lay down and sleep all the time - I can barely keep my eyes open and when DS naps I nap too, I am sleeping 9 hours at night and 2 hours during the day.

Today, my DS refused to walk up the stairs to bed and I just lost it - shouted at him and pulled his arm when he was trying to go floppy and have a paddy. I had to walk away and calm down and then come back and apologise to him (he was crying) I feel awful. I am just this horrible, slobby, shouty, cryey mum.

My DH is a keyworker in an NHS hospital (non frontline) so he is at work a lot at the moment.

I am genuinely concerned about my state of mind, it feels so hopeless. I've made a telephone appointment with my doctor for Wednesday, but is there even any point? I'm sure all they'll offer is anti depressants.

[oldlongjohnson]

Sorry - meant to say DS is 2.

[Trustyourinnersatnav]

I'm sorry your feeling this way, you'll be surprised at just how many people are feeling the same as you. It's a scary, frustrating time, we have all had to relinquish control and have no idea of when things will get back to normal. Be kind to yourself. Having a phone app with the doc is a good start. Would it help to ring the samaritans from time to time when things get too much, so you can get your frustrations out in the open? I've rung them a few times when feeling hopeless. Sometimes a chat with a stranger can help

[Trustyourinnersatnav]

Also can you carve any time out of the day just for you? I know you may not feel like it but finding time for a bit of self care of escapism really helps, like reading or finding yourself down a YouTube rabbit hole

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

Hi OP

Yoube been made redundant and since then have been stuck in the house with a 2 year old 24/7 with what sounds like little support. There isnt anyone that wouldnt find that hard.

We have all shouted, they know just how to push our buttons and at the moment it is much harder to distract them or take a break from them to calm down. It doesn't make you a bad mum it makes you human.

I think a call to the doctor is a good idea though. I'd also rule out other reasons for tiredness eg low iron can cause tiredness and low mood. They might not do blood tests at the moment but a multi vitamin might help. Also I'd give he anti depressants a go if the doctor recommends them, it sounds like you dont want to but keep an open mind.

Is there anything at all your husband could do to help so you could take a bit of time out? Also nurseries might start again in a couple of weeks, would you consider putting him back in for a bit so you can have a break?

[Sharpandshineyteeth]

If anti depressants help you get through this shit show then why not? It’s not normal circumstances

[oldlongjohnson]

I don't want antidepressants because I know they make you feel worse for 4-5 weeks before they start to make you feel better. I'm not sure I could handle feeling worse right now.

[HarrysMummy17]

Can you call your health visitor? Mine was great when I was suffering after the birth of my second son. She has also phoned this week to check on us and my youngest is now 4.
I went through 3 different anti-depressants until I found one that didn't make me feel worse s as if actually helped.

[Idontknow23]

I mean this isn't the best suggestion in the world but do you drink enough water? I know what that sounds like!! I can't stand it and with my children I'd have such sluggish tired days no energy etc but when I force myself to drink it I get more energy and feel more awake behind the eyes and less irritable, try to also get out for walks to break the day up and clear your mind. Just trying to suggest things that help me if you are not wanting anti depressants

[DamnYankee]

They've made big strides in A/Ds over the last 3 years, OP. (Not sure what you took).
I agree with HarrysMummy17. You owe it to your son to at least reach out and explore other options.

[Phrowzunn]

From the way you talk about your little boy it’s obvious you’re a brilliant mum. You sound very grateful for what you have and who he is, and honestly a lot of people aren’t. I have also had depression and anxiety in the past and PND too with my first baby. I am a SAHM to a 3 year old and a nearly 1 year old so used to being with them 24/7 but I have also been struggling recently. It’s just the monotony of it all and there being no end in sight, no change of scenery, it’s just going on and on. It’s very stifling. I imagine it’s worse if you’re used to getting away altogether 2 days a week. You are doing a brilliant job and you will not damage your little boy if you shout at him once in a while. Remember you are a human being raising another human being, it’s not going to be perfect all the time. You are not a robot programmed to perfectly parent 100% of the time. I’m sure your mum lost her rag unnecessarily with you sometimes and I’m quite sure you don’t remember most of it! You can only do your best. It honestly doesn’t sound to me like you need antidepressants, I think you just need to try and carve out some time for yourself. Be honest with your DH and try and agree a regular time for you to go out for a walk and listen to music and just have a little break. And enjoy your naps! Why the hell not. They don’t nap forever and then it gets a whole lot harder!

[Cindyloo20]

I’ve been feeling exactly the same and kept putting off calling the doctors so my DH ended up doing it a couple of weeks ago, they prescribed antidepressants. I decided not to take them as just talking to someone made a massive difference for me, as after I had a phone appointment with the doctor the health visitor has been doing weekly calls which has helped massively. Please go forward with your telephone appointment, hopefully it makes a difference for you, and don’t be so hard on yourself

[Purpleartichoke]

Antidepressants didn’t make me feel worse for even a minute. I had a benefit from
Day 1. Dd also did not have any down swing at the start.

[mumofone2818]

i could have wrote your post myself about my 2 year old, she doesn't understand whats going on but i am snapping so easily when normally i have the patience of a saint! its hard for everyone but you are NOT a bad mum & you son wont think it either