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To ask what my husband should expect of me?

(152 Posts)
needanewusernameplz Thu 14-May-20 16:43:59


Pregnant, moved from Australia, due to complicated work set up not eligible for paid mat leave here or there, and on a spouse visa so cannot claim statutory maternity pay.

I have saved enough, to fund effectively my own mat leave for around 6-9 months. Baby due next week.

Because I have no income, the house we're buying isn't in my name, in fact nothing here is.

In terms of "ways I contribute" what do you think is reasonable. Is it reasonable that I take on all the house duties? Like cooking, cleaning etc. Or is it more than reasonable to expect help.

Reason I ask is I had a pretty awesome job that I loved, earned great money; and I found it incredibly rewarding, and I said to my mother in law how much I missed it and would miss it. And she said back, well you have more important things to think about like keeping a nice house and raising a family. Family bit I get, but the rest? It doesn't sit right with me.

Just because I don't earn an income, is it unreasonable to expect husband to do fair share of domestic stuff? Even if I still contribute a lot financially?

OP’s posts: |
belfastmillie Thu 14-May-20 16:55:37

Why isn't the house in your name too? I was a sahm mum for years, house is in joint names. You should have the same.

Ignore your mil. Get your finances joint so you are not paying solely for your own mat leave which is ridiculously unfair.

Housework, it's up to how much time you have around looking after baby. As long as you have similar leisure time and he is doing some of it (why when a baby comes along are men often expected to down tools and do zero housework)?!

Disquieted1 Thu 14-May-20 17:02:13

No one argues about doing their fair share.
However some couples spend decades bickering about what 'fair share' actually means.

HollowTalk Thu 14-May-20 17:05:41

Your MIL wants a carbon cut out of herself, doesn't she? Presumably your husband didn't, otherwise he wouldn't have married you.

Why are you taking on the full financial burden of the baby? Whose decision was that? Is now a good time to share finances?

I would say you do what you can when you're home alone with the baby and he does what he can when he gets home from work.

needanewusernameplz Thu 14-May-20 17:06:07

@belfastmillie house is in his name because of something to do with the mortgage application being affected, because I have no income? Maybe? I don't know how it works here.

Our house in Sydney is in joint names because I earned and had a job there.

OP’s posts: |
ScarfLadysBag Thu 14-May-20 17:06:42

Of course it isn't. Presumably now he has to do his own share of domestic chores, yes? So no reason that should change when there's a child. He doesn't get to do less when there's a new baby. That's not how it works! Although some people on here will say that because he's working that suddenly absolves him of all domestic responsibilities, despite the fact we all have to, at various points, work and do domestic stuff because that's what life is.

ScarfLadysBag Thu 14-May-20 17:07:49

The issue isn't what your MiL thinks or expects, though; it's about the dynamic you have with your husband and what you agree.

missnevermind Thu 14-May-20 17:09:50

If you look at at as that the baby is now your job and keep the allocation of chores as they were before?

searchaway Thu 14-May-20 17:10:07

Ummm that’s not right about the house. I’m a SAHM and my name is on the house! Who told you that you couldn’t go on the house?

ILiveInSalemsLot Thu 14-May-20 17:10:38

You have to be living a life you’re happy with.
If things seem unfair to you, then they probably are.
My set up was that I did pretty much everything on week days as dh worked very long hours. But the weekends were different.
He’d often get breakfast and dinner sorted. We both got some time to ourselves so we could do some personal paperwork, exercise or socialise.
Dh happily looked after the baby while I went out with friends.
If your dh is making comments that you’re not contributing financially in your situation then he’s a horrible person. You should feel like a partnership and support each other.

Thingsthatgo Thu 14-May-20 17:11:14

It’s between you and your DH to decide what is fair between you. I expect most parents who are home for maternity or paternity leave do more than half of the housework because they are at home. Once you are back at work I’d expect domestic work to be shared fairly if you are out of the house for a similar amount of time.

needanewusernameplz Thu 14-May-20 17:11:57

@HollowTalk re sharing of money, that's how it's always been, and to be honest it suited us both because I earned more, and I like having financial independence and not having to ask for money. In this situation, we'd combine everything and then I would likely have to ask for things.

Husband is verrryy funny about money, in fact once when I asked him to help buy something for the baby, he complained and gave me attitude all afternoon about it (it was a second hand sleephead pillow) and he paid £30 pound. Meanwhile I have literally bought everything else because I don't want to have to deal with that attitude again. Too bloody hard!

OP’s posts: |
vanillandhoney Thu 14-May-20 17:12:18

You should be able to get your name on the mortgage here even though you're a SAHP. Or is it because you don't have leave to remain in the UK (ie. is your right to be here dependent on your husband)?

needanewusernameplz Thu 14-May-20 17:13:33

@searchaway husband told me that

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needanewusernameplz Thu 14-May-20 17:14:16

@vanillandhoney yes, thats right, my right to be here is tethered to him as spouse.

OP’s posts: |
endofthelinefinally Thu 14-May-20 17:16:59

Oh dear. Some red flags here.
The house should be in joint names. There is no reason why it shouldn't be.
Your husband's attitude to money is worrying too.
Do you plan to get a job in the future?
Not that there is anything wrong with being at home, but you need a committed, supportive partner for that.

WhenISnappedAndFarted Thu 14-May-20 17:17:01

OP the house stuff doesn't sound right, look into it and make sure your name goes on as well!

ScarfLadysBag Thu 14-May-20 17:18:06

Oh dear. A miser and their money...

MaybeNew Thu 14-May-20 17:18:40

I would frankly go back to Australia as soon after the birth as I could. What sort of man begrudges buying things for a new baby? If you cannot work, he will make your life an utter misery once your money runs out.

CouldBeOuting Thu 14-May-20 17:19:18

* house is in his name because of something to do with the mortgage application being affected, because I have no income? *

I was a SAHM and pregnant with second when we changed our mortgage provider. I was still on the deeds AND the mortgage but loan was based on his income only.

As for the other stuff it is something that you should agree between the two of you. When I was a SAHM (and this will horrify many) I saw taking care of the home and children as my “job” and I was “paid” quite handsomely for it (full access to ALL household money). When I did go back to work after 15 years, DH didn’t need to be asked to take on any “house” duties, he just automatically did it. For us, that’s how a true partnership works.

Savingshoes Thu 14-May-20 17:21:03

Or, well you feel like you have got yourself into a routine etc after the baby is born and you feel ready, your Husband can give up his job as he will have "more important things to think about like keeping a nice house and raising the family" and you can go back to work.
Sexist MIL you seem to have.

DameFanny Thu 14-May-20 17:21:31

Wow, I'd be very concerned in your position. You've given up work and half a house to be completely reliant on someone who begrudges you baby equipment. You need to be looking at working as soon as you can, and ensuring your husband is pulling his weight with the house - and the baby - from the start.

Otherwise, what happens when you run out of savings and your H is refusing to give you money, or making it uncomfortable to ask?

And if you ever want to leave him, do you lose your visa? Do you think he'd let you take the baby back to Australia or would you be stuck in limbo with everything but your child on the other side of the world?

Please do some quick and hard thinking - you really need to protect yourself and your H may not be acting in good faith here

theredphonerang Thu 14-May-20 17:21:49

You really need to get your name on the mortgage ASAP and agree a joint account that you have access to

Boom45 Thu 14-May-20 17:22:16

You've saved to cover your maternity leave and bought all the stuff for the baby? Your husband is a prick.

RainbowFlowers Thu 14-May-20 17:25:34

You are contributing financially though as you have saved for your own mat leave. He absolutely needs to share the housework with you to make up for the fact you are having his child which will be time, energy and body consuming. You are taking a break in your career for it. All of these things need to be taken into account.

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