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To ask what you would do?

(6 Posts)
AllHallowsEve14 Thu 14-May-20 14:27:08

I could really do with some advice with regards to my ex and our childcare arrangement. Ex moved out about a month ago to rent a room in a shared house. It is too small for him to have our DTs who are 3 so he has been coming to mine to see them. I know that isn't within the current guidelines but without him coming here he would not see them at all. I have a DD5 from a previous relationship so life in lockdown is really tough at the moment, when ex is here I get some sort of break and I NEED that.

The problem is I hate him being here. He is angry, aggressive, short-tempered and verbally abusive. He also turns up late, leaves early, sometimes doesn't come at all. I feel stuck and that whatever I do is wrong. I can't tell him is not seeing them here anymore can I? There isn't anywhere else he can have them, there is nowhere open for him to take them, and the consequences of me saying that to him scare me. But I cannot bear the alternative, him being here, he stresses me out so much, especially as nobody knows how long it will take for him to find somewhere else to live that is suitable - it definitely won't be a priority for him. Being able to come here is easiest for him.

So any advice please! What should I do?

OP’s posts: |
PlanDeRaccordement Thu 14-May-20 14:42:15

Parks are open. Picnics are allowed. Weather is fairly nice.
Can he take the twins out to one for a few hours?

Most importantly, you say he is aggressive, short tempered and verbally abusive when he is over. Is that towards the children? Or is it that you two have an argument every time he is over?

Obviously, if it’s towards the children, then you should stop him from seeing them unsupervised at all. So you’d need to get legal advice and file with the courts.

HopeYouStepOnALego Thu 14-May-20 14:43:32

Are you staying there whilst he visits OP, or do you go out with your other DD to give him space? Maybe you don't trust him to be there on his own in your space.

I think a lot depends on how he is with the DTs whilst he's there. Is he taking out his bad temper and aggression on them? If he's not making the visits fun and enjoyable for the DTs then I'd be inclined to stop them until he sorts himself out alternative accommodation. I know you feel you need the break, but the visit is supposed to be for the benefit of the children and if he's making them unhappy then the visits should stop.

AllHallowsEve14 Thu 14-May-20 15:03:36

My DD and I stay out of his way by going out when we can or watching films in bed. Either way he sends me whatsapp messages constantly, the entire time he is here and they turn nasty. I ignore and block but he finds other ways.

The DTs love him, but he is angry and does shout a lot and they come to me for comfort which annoys him even more. I am more inclined to tell him the visits to mine must stop, I am worried that makes me a bad mum because he will not bother to see them much. This has happened before. He will paint it as me stopping him seeing his children, and he will lower the maintenance because I will have stepped out of line and that is one thing he can control.

OP’s posts: |
PlanDeRaccordement Thu 14-May-20 15:18:52

If you go through CMS, he can’t just lower the maintenance.
It sucks, but the informal, amicable way doesn’t work when one parent starts being nasty and petty (your ex, not you).

HopeYouStepOnALego Thu 14-May-20 15:28:37

I agree. Go through CMS and get the payments formalised.

Your ex should be concentrating on the DTs when he is having an access visit, not spending his time glued to his phone Whatsapping you. If he's not paying them attention, or he's shouting at them, then I don't see what they're getting out of his visits. I too would stop them. He should consider getting some counselling to help him come to terms with the split.

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