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AIBU?

AIBU to be narked about this?

30 replies

Munkey · 14/05/2020 13:29

I'm trying myself in knots over something and need mumsnet to tell me to get over myself or wake up to the red flag.

Background, boyfriend of 3 years, aweome guy, will do anything for anyone, devoted to his family, funny, chilled, romantic and I know adores me, we don't live together, I have tweens from previous. Eight months ago big breech of trust. After feeling fed up with how paranoid I was feeling by the way he was suspicious in his use of phone. I checked it (I know) and found flirty messages throughout our relationship (about 8-10 in total so not too often but still) fishing for innapropriate banter with an ex, we almost split up over it. I've never really managed to move on and am still suspicious. He's more extroverted and gregarious than me with a wide network of friends, male and female, calls half a dozen different people a day for chats (he's on the road a lot) and has a stack of what's app groups. A few months ago a new girl became part of one of his friendship groups and has gradually become a closer friend. My psychometer has been gradually ramping up. When we were on the sofa together he was in a chat I saw a message between them where she was 'hi handsome' and he replied ' hi beautiful' and I combusted. He says it's just banter. I feel it's humiliating and demeans our relationship. Have I been living in a bubble and these terms or endearment can be platonic and innocent? or am I right to feel like I'm being played for a fool? They must have developed a flirtatious relationship which I'm struggling to see as anything but disloyal. I've never previously had issues with jealousy but I've never been with someone as gregarious before so it's not really been an issue. Am I being a numpty and need to get over myself or is he taking the Mick? Help!

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

80 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
11%
You are NOT being unreasonable
89%
iamruth · 14/05/2020 13:31

Ok so when was this because you just said you don’t live together then said you were both on the sofa?

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SunflowerSeedsForever · 14/05/2020 13:33

What has happened in the minimum 50 days since this happened?

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IndecentFeminist · 14/05/2020 13:38

You're not being unreasonable OP.

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Mustbethewine · 14/05/2020 13:38

I really don't understand why you're still together. He's being disrespectful towards you by continuing to be flirtatious knowing it upsets you and clearly you don't trust him. Do you honestly see a future for you?

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MyMonkeyIsATwat · 14/05/2020 13:40

Taking the piss.

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MyMonkeyIsATwat · 14/05/2020 13:40

Sorry too soon, he's taking the piss.

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Cherrysoup · 14/05/2020 13:41

I’d be totally pissed off if my dh sent a message to someone else calling them beautiful, YANBU.

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SharonasCorona · 14/05/2020 13:46

@iamruth

mruth

Ok so when was this because you just said you don’t live together then said you were both on the sofa

FFS OP is not asking for a lecture from a covigilante!

OP, you know in your heart of hearts that you can’t trust him.

If he cared about you, he would have stopped the flirty messages after he saw your reaction to the 8-10 previous inappropriate messages.

Sack him off and use the lockdown as an opportunity to get over him.

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BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 14/05/2020 13:46

It doesn’t really matter whether he’s been transgressing or not. What matters is whether you trust him. In your shoes I’d save myself all sorts of anxiety and call it a day asap

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Pixiefringe · 14/05/2020 13:48

I couldnt tolerate that at all OP.

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Travis1 · 14/05/2020 13:54

Jeez you’d have a wallie if you some of the group chats I’m in. Difference is my DH trusts me and knows in the same way I tell some of the guys in my WhatsApp groups(all fitness related) that they are fit af I’ll just as quickly tell the girls they are absolutely banging. We all work to build each other up, it’s just how we are 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Munkey · 14/05/2020 13:54

Sorry, the dodgy texts were 18 months ago, not 8...

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NoMorePoliticsPlease · 14/05/2020 14:00

I dont think either of you are grown up enough for a comittment

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ProseccoBubbleFantasies · 14/05/2020 14:00

I'm flirty with men and women and I speak in quite a flowery way - I call people I like lovely, darling, sweetie, gorgeous, etc. Often with a "my" in front of it

From what you say you bf is similar. So your choices are to get used to it or leave.

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SharonasCorona · 14/05/2020 14:10

@NoMorePoliticsPlease

I dont think either of you are grown up enough for a comittment

Care to give a reason why? Otherwise your comment is more snarky than constructive.

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Lllot5 · 14/05/2020 14:29

I suppose it depends who he’s sending them too. An old friend mmm maybe just banter ( sorry I hate that word) a new friend no not so much. Besides which he knows you don’t like it.
I’d get rid I think.

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Windyatthebeach · 14/05/2020 14:31

Imo a man who needs such ego stroking isn't ready for a committed relationship...

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Munkey · 14/05/2020 15:37

I go through phases of trusting and phases of not and feeling neurotic. It's a bit like being hormonal where there are days all is right with the world and others where it's all crap. I'd like to work on the issues, no relationship is perfect and we have heaps of positives but if there is no trust we are doomed. It is good to know I'm not being a diva by thinking his behaviour is off.

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pantsville · 14/05/2020 15:45

Travis1, can you really not see the difference? Would you be saying those things out of the context of sharing fitness progress pics?

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Yeahnahmum · 14/05/2020 16:11

A l w A y S listen to your gut feeling op. it is called female intuition for a reason

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OoohTheStatsDontLie · 14/05/2020 16:24

Does he call everyone beautiful or other terms of endearment? If so and its normal for him for everyone then I think YABU demanding he stops for this one girl. If he singles her out to flirt with and he calls everyone else by their name then I wouldnt be happy

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Travis1 · 14/05/2020 16:39

@pantsville my point is she’s seen 2 messages. She doesn’t know the context 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Munkey · 14/05/2020 16:44

We both use terms of endearment with others but this exchange just seemed a little too close for confort. There were a series of other small things with this girl that niggled me. This just tipped me over the edge. I know it's not more than flirting but flirting itself feels disloyal, it's not something I'd do.

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Neron · 14/05/2020 16:51

You don't trust him so end the relationship. It's never going to go well.

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Fluffybutter · 14/05/2020 17:00

Yanbu . It’s disrespectful and I would be telling him to stop or he’d be gone

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