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AIBU to be narked about this?

(31 Posts)
Munkey Thu 14-May-20 13:29:22

I'm trying myself in knots over something and need mumsnet to tell me to get over myself or wake up to the red flag.

Background, boyfriend of 3 years, aweome guy, will do anything for anyone, devoted to his family, funny, chilled, romantic and I know adores me, we don't live together, I have tweens from previous. Eight months ago big breech of trust. After feeling fed up with how paranoid I was feeling by the way he was suspicious in his use of phone. I checked it (I know) and found flirty messages throughout our relationship (about 8-10 in total so not too often but still) fishing for innapropriate banter with an ex, we almost split up over it. I've never really managed to move on and am still suspicious. He's more extroverted and gregarious than me with a wide network of friends, male and female, calls half a dozen different people a day for chats (he's on the road a lot) and has a stack of what's app groups. A few months ago a new girl became part of one of his friendship groups and has gradually become a closer friend. My psychometer has been gradually ramping up. When we were on the sofa together he was in a chat I saw a message between them where she was 'hi handsome' and he replied ' hi beautiful' and I combusted. He says it's just banter. I feel it's humiliating and demeans our relationship. Have I been living in a bubble and these terms or endearment can be platonic and innocent? or am I right to feel like I'm being played for a fool? They must have developed a flirtatious relationship which I'm struggling to see as anything but disloyal. I've never previously had issues with jealousy but I've never been with someone as gregarious before so it's not really been an issue. Am I being a numpty and need to get over myself or is he taking the Mick? Help!

OP’s posts: |
iamruth Thu 14-May-20 13:31:19

Ok so when was this because you just said you don’t live together then said you were both on the sofa?

SunflowerSeedsForever Thu 14-May-20 13:33:16

What has happened in the minimum 50 days since this happened?

IndecentFeminist Thu 14-May-20 13:38:34

You're not being unreasonable OP.

Mustbethewine Thu 14-May-20 13:38:48

I really don't understand why you're still together. He's being disrespectful towards you by continuing to be flirtatious knowing it upsets you and clearly you don't trust him. Do you honestly see a future for you?

MyMonkeyIsATwat Thu 14-May-20 13:40:01

Taking the piss.

MyMonkeyIsATwat Thu 14-May-20 13:40:18

Sorry too soon, he's taking the piss.

Cherrysoup Thu 14-May-20 13:41:26

I’d be totally pissed off if my dh sent a message to someone else calling them beautiful, YANBU.

SharonasCorona Thu 14-May-20 13:46:25



Ok so when was this because you just said you don’t live together then said you were both on the sofa

FFS OP is not asking for a lecture from a covigilante!

OP, you know in your heart of hearts that you can’t trust him.

If he cared about you, he would have stopped the flirty messages after he saw your reaction to the 8-10 previous inappropriate messages.

Sack him off and use the lockdown as an opportunity to get over him.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Thu 14-May-20 13:46:45

It doesn’t really matter whether he’s been transgressing or not. What matters is whether you trust him. In your shoes I’d save myself all sorts of anxiety and call it a day asap

Pixiefringe Thu 14-May-20 13:48:59

I couldnt tolerate that at all OP.

Travis1 Thu 14-May-20 13:54:05

Jeez you’d have a wallie if you some of the group chats I’m in. Difference is my DH trusts me and knows in the same way I tell some of the guys in my WhatsApp groups(all fitness related) that they are fit af I’ll just as quickly tell the girls they are absolutely banging. We all work to build each other up, it’s just how we are 🤷🏻‍♀️

Munkey Thu 14-May-20 13:54:52

Sorry, the dodgy texts were 18 months ago, not 8...

OP’s posts: |
NoMorePoliticsPlease Thu 14-May-20 14:00:01

I dont think either of you are grown up enough for a comittment

ProseccoBubbleFantasies Thu 14-May-20 14:00:51

I'm flirty with men and women and I speak in quite a flowery way - I call people I like lovely, darling, sweetie, gorgeous, etc. Often with a "my" in front of it

From what you say you bf is similar. So your choices are to get used to it or leave.

SharonasCorona Thu 14-May-20 14:10:44


I dont think either of you are grown up enough for a comittment

Care to give a reason why? Otherwise your comment is more snarky than constructive.

Lllot5 Thu 14-May-20 14:29:10

I suppose it depends who he’s sending them too. An old friend mmm maybe just banter ( sorry I hate that word) a new friend no not so much. Besides which he knows you don’t like it.
I’d get rid I think.

Windyatthebeach Thu 14-May-20 14:31:58

Imo a man who needs such ego stroking isn't ready for a committed relationship...

Munkey Thu 14-May-20 15:37:30

I go through phases of trusting and phases of not and feeling neurotic. It's a bit like being hormonal where there are days all is right with the world and others where it's all crap. I'd like to work on the issues, no relationship is perfect and we have heaps of positives but if there is no trust we are doomed. It is good to know I'm not being a diva by thinking his behaviour is off.

OP’s posts: |
pantsville Thu 14-May-20 15:45:35

Travis1, can you really not see the difference? Would you be saying those things out of the context of sharing fitness progress pics?

Yeahnahmum Thu 14-May-20 16:11:51

A l w A y S listen to your gut feeling op. it is called female intuition for a reason

OoohTheStatsDontLie Thu 14-May-20 16:24:23

Does he call everyone beautiful or other terms of endearment? If so and its normal for him for everyone then I think YABU demanding he stops for this one girl. If he singles her out to flirt with and he calls everyone else by their name then I wouldnt be happy

Travis1 Thu 14-May-20 16:39:37

@pantsville my point is she’s seen 2 messages. She doesn’t know the context 🤷🏻‍♀️

Munkey Thu 14-May-20 16:44:50

We both use terms of endearment with others but this exchange just seemed a little too close for confort. There were a series of other small things with this girl that niggled me. This just tipped me over the edge. I know it's not more than flirting but flirting itself feels disloyal, it's not something I'd do.

OP’s posts: |
Neron Thu 14-May-20 16:51:38

You don't trust him so end the relationship. It's never going to go well.

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