Demand for contact this weekend

[Startagain51]

Posting for traffic and speedy response -

My abusive STBX has emailed today telling me that as 'travel restrictions have been lifted' he's coming to pick up our son for the weekend.

We went to mediation and agreed fortnightly contact with certain conditions (after he tried to convince our son not to return and then was abusive on the doorstep - the police had to be called) - one of those was that our son's half-brother was present at all contacts and was collected first. However, contact has been patchy even before corona virus as he hasn't supplied dates in advance or has had other things to do. In fairness, some of this has been due to (non-covid related) illness in his family. Our son hasn't seen his Dad since the 6th March.

So now he wants to collect two children from different households and have them for contact.

I'm all over the place - is this safe? The boys have been texting and his other son seems very doubtful, and I'm concerned (about so many things) that our son will be put in a position where he has to go with his Dad on his own - he's really not happy about this, his Dad has a history of mental issues and he doesn't want to be on his own with him.

He's also demanding my address which I don't want to give. He now lives somewhere that is a 3 hour car journey away - what if the travel restrictions are put back in place if the figures spike?

Please help.

[Windyatthebeach]

Where will he collect your ds from? Does ds want to go? You could see if his other dc is in the car already if that is a condition ds goes..

[FudgeBrownie2019]

How old is your son, can you speak openly and honestly with him and ask his opinion?

Don't be pressured into giving him your address - he doesn't need it. Speak with your son, work out what he feels safest doing and go from there. I don't think YABU to turn down a visit til you can be more sure of your Ex's MH being stable.

[Mintjulia]

Can you talk to the other mum and present a united front?

Or, to be honest, if your son doesn’t feel safe, I’d say no, and let him take you to court.

[JasonPollack]

If your son doesn't want to he doesn't have to I think. I wouldn't be bothered about the virus (unless sheilding) as much as the mental instability and the distance? How old is your son?

[recycledteenager24]

i'd be asking the courts for supervised access, your ds's needs are paramount over your ex.

[Startagain51]

DS is 13, I've spoken to him about it - I had to, his Dad had text him to say he was asking me for contact this weekend (this is also against the agreement, which was that adults sorted contact, not the kids). DS wants to go but only if his older brother goes. (older brother is 18)

He would collect DS from a local public point which I have already suggested, but he still wants my address (which I'm not going to give him).

Can't talk to the other Mum but have talked to DS's brother who is very uncertain about it and only heard from his Dad today. The agreement is that older brother is picked up first but the email from STBX states that he will pick up DS first, and then his half-brother. The clear implication is that contact with brother is all sorted, when it clearly isn't.

[Windyatthebeach]

Stick to your guns. Not sure why ds can't arrange to see his db and cut df out altogether!!

[girlywhirly]

At 18 the older brother does not have to see his father. Tbh, you agreed at mediation about how contact would go ahead, but if he doesn’t want to go, your EX now lives further away and your DS is old enough at 13 to know his own mind, he can stop seeing him. Even if you have a court order, it can be changed if your DS says he no longer wants contact, because he is afraid of his father, full stop.

Your EX clearly doesn’t understand that contact is primarily for the child’s benefit and is his right, it is not EX’s right, nor can he stop maintenance based on lack of contact If that is a likely consequence. Frankly I would be looking at the brothers seeing each other independently of their father, which courts would be in favour of as they wouldn’t need him to facilitate that, and they like siblings to still be able to see each other. You must all be fed up of the bullying, the demands and the uncertainty of EX’s behaviour.

[GabriellaMontez]

To me the most important point here is that you reinforce to him that the brother must be collected first as agreed in court.

If not and the reason is irrelevant, then it's a no.

Of course if your son doesnt want to go, esp if contact is sporadic then revisit the court order.

Movement between separated parents was always allowed s o fears of a sudden lockdown are probably not reasonable.

[recycledteenager24]

why should the 18 year old be made a pawn in this stupid game ?

[HugeAckmansWife]

Travel restrictions aren't an issue.. Mine have been travelling a long way to see their dad throughout. They also have a step sibling who has had contact with her other parent too. This has been allowed from the start, especially if there are no vulnerabilities and the adults are all wfh. I would say the issues you have are not virus related so contact should resume if your son wants I according to the original agreed terms.

[disorganisedsecretsquirrel]

If he wants to go then let him.

That's all you need to know

[girlywhirly]

OP, for this weekend, say no to the contact. DS older brother can’t make it, and therefore the terms of the contact agreement can’t be met, also the father went against the agreement about only discussing contact arrangements between parents, so tell him that is another reason. Let EX know that he can contact DS remotely by text/email/Facetime or equivalent. If you think EX will become abusive and angry, it would be best if you could listen in on screen contact and cut it off straight away, unacceptable emails and texts can be printed off and saved if you need proof of unreasonable behaviour for court. Is your DS aware that at his age he can stop going to his father if he wishes? Where is the benefit if he is afraid of being alone with him?