Asking ex to pay

[Nameisthegame]

Me and my ex live abroad, he want ds who will be 3 in December to go to the uk for Christmas (if possible with Covid 19) I have to go to I said we will go if he will pay for both of us or we can go next summer and I’ll pay as it’s lovely in the summer can take ds out hang in the family garden lots of birthdays aswell so probably be a big party.

If I go in winter we will be stuck inside with no where to go, Ill have to basically take care of ds the whole time unless he Disney dads and acts better for fam and buy presents for them as it would be awkward not too. So AIBU asking him to pay?

[SeriouslySoDoneIn]

Why do you need to go too?

[lonelySam]

@seriouslysodonein the OP says DS is 3 so he cannot fly on his own yet.

[Windyatthebeach]

No amount of £££ would make me spend any time with exh.
Think on this may become the norm and you will be expected to be the deliverer of your dc forever more. Why can't his df come and collect him? Did he move away?

[Waveysnail]

Yabu to ask him to pay.for you. You dont need to go

[popsydoodle4444]

Well can't you do both?

He pays for December.You pay for Summer.

Everyone gets what they want then.

[averythinline]

Why do you need to go to? if he is taking him...
what is your normal pattern 50/50 ? 70/30 - DS woudl have to be happy staying with him for a bit otherwise it coudl be too stressful for him

You would usually have to split time over xmas anyway so just work out what you are happy with length of time wise - could it be a long weekend...?

If he hasnt looked after him overnight etc then there is still time to start that now - I wouldnt be happy with it if he's never looked after him for a few days prior to going....

[1Morewineplease]

I afraid I didn’t really understand your post OP.

Would all three of you be going? Why can’t your son just visit with dad?

[kissmysass]

Why can your ex not take him by himself?

[Nameisthegame]

@averythinline normal custody pattern is currently nothing. I’m not sure how it will change he hasn’t seen ds in 5 months in real life. Ds has never been away from me for more than 8 hours and never slept without me.

[Lllot5]

I’m being a bit slow here I think. Tell your ex to take your dc to the U.K. if he wants to over Christmas.
Why are you paying for anything? Why are you going?
If your dc is too young to go without you then they can’t go.

[Nameisthegame]

We live pretty far apart and ds will be going to school in September and will have to be potty trained I doubt he will be sleeping anywhere but with me before then. Basically I have to go which I’m fine with but I don’t think I should pay when I’m happy to pay in warmer weather or the summer.

[Nameisthegame]

Ds will just be 3 by December, kids start like nursery school at 3

[june2007]

No I really don,t think you do have to go. I think you should encourage some overnight stays with childs Dad in preperation. Don,t think toilet training comes into it really.

[Nameisthegame]

Due to distance and cost I doubt ds will start any over nights before December it’s a 9 hour journey to ex place.

[Nameisthegame]

Ds has basically never really received care from ex before we moved it was hard to get ds to accept ex changing, nappy,baths etc because ex had never done it even when we were together. Without great effort and expense on his part I can’t see ds having overnights.

[justthatnaillady]

I wouldn't go. If DS can't physically go without you, I would just say no and suggest he can take him next year or something. If you do however decide go, I wouldn't ever rely on anyone to pay for my travels. Is it because you want to go with your ex, OP?

[Nameisthegame]

@justthatnaillady I don’t want to go because of what I said in my original post but I’m happy to go in warmer weather. I don’t hate ex but he is selfish and entitled obviously not my idea of fun but ds nanny isn’t super healthy so was planning on visiting this summer (without ex)

[Nameisthegame]

Happy to pay next summer or warmer weather to visit, but I don’t want to pay to go in the middle of winter.

[justthatnaillady]

@Nameisthegame in that case, I would say that it would have to wait. I do think that it will be good for DS to be around his dad and family and that he will be just fine. Could you try leaving him with your ex over the weekend to start with and build up gradually so he gets use to being around his dad without you there?

[Nameisthegame]

Ex is 9 hours away and works part Saturday and all week I would have to travel down, friend somewhere else to stay and repeat until ds is comfortable I don’t really have that time or money, ds hasn’t physically seen his dad in 5 months just video chats.

[Nameisthegame]

When I said go next summer because of everything he said it’s not about me and his son deserves to know his family who I send photos, videos and video call once a week.

[Nameisthegame]

Tbh I doubt ex will get the money together and will just use me as a excuse again. When I left near Christmas last year he spent the money ds nanny and uncle sent him for Christmas. Ex was meant to move closer but Has now said he can’t afford it.

[justthatnaillady]

Okay, if he can't make the effort to come see DS or find any time for him, I would just say no to taking him to the UK on his own. Does he get much time off work?

[justthatnaillady]

@Nameisthegame if there's uncertainty about whether he will be able to afford it or not, I wouldn't give it a second thought about it until he comes back and says it's certain and he will be booking it soon, then I would decide!

[Nameisthegame]

He was meant to visit ds in March but couldn’t because of the virus, everything is always my fault, moving to far away stopping ds seeing family last summer as it would have left us both broke and would have to borrow money. I dunno my ex always makes me feel like crap. Been trying to sort out custody since Jan and he is refusing to pay maintenance until that’s sorted.