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To cool off this friendship

(36 Posts)
aliceinsunderland27 Wed 13-May-20 08:13:33

I think I know the answer to this already but here are some of the issues I've faced with my 'friend' for some time now. We met when our kids were small and there have been times when she has been a great friend to me but there's always this undertone of unpleasantness. She's got some MH issues but I'm wondering whether to distance myself a bit.

Constantly mocks me in quite unpleasant ways. Makes out that I'm not capable of doing certain things and she knows better.
Hugely materialistic and competes over everything. If I get something she will get a bigger and better version of it. And tell me how it's bigger and better.
Becomes pissed off if I don't make effort contacting her but happily leaves my messages on read with no reply.
Slates everything good that happens to me - didn't like my partner, laughs at where I go on holiday, she's even laughed at my wedding dress.
Sucks up to other friends and treats them nicely but usually the ones with nice cars and big houses.
Bitches terribly about basically everyone we know.

I don't want to fall out with her, I can't be arsed with the drama of it for one thing. Do I just slowly distance myself?

OP’s posts: |
Winterwoollies Wed 13-May-20 08:34:56

No I think you quickly distance yourself. She sounds like a nasty, jealous bint who’s way of making herself feel better is by putting you down. You do not need that in your life. Stop replying to her.

Winterwoollies Wed 13-May-20 08:35:16


UnabashedlyNeurodifferent Wed 13-May-20 08:39:40

I would for sure! I've quickly distanced myself from one who's only done half of these.

AJPTaylor Wed 13-May-20 08:43:44

Jeez. Do it already!

Tappering Wed 13-May-20 08:49:36

I wouldn't slowly distance - I'd run like my heels were on fire and my arse was catching.

I wouldn't give a shit about falling out with her; what difference does it make? She treats you like shit and you don't want to be friends with her any more. Besides you don't have to send her a fuck you text - something quite measured will do.

I'd send her a text along the lines of Hi name, I've been thinking about the fact that you make quite unkind and critical comments, and I've realised that this friendship doesn't work for me anymore. Therefore I think it's best we go our separate ways. Best wishes for the future.

Then as soon as you've sent it, delete and block on all social media.

aliceinsunderland27 Wed 13-May-20 08:57:37

I feel like if I make it an obvious fallout it will only create problems for me. She has a cutting streak and will slag me off rotten to anyone who will listen.

I have put up with it because I know deep down that it boils down to her own insecurities and I've actually felt quite sorry for her at times. But when she just tarnishes anything good with criticism and judgement it's no longer fair.

OP’s posts: |
Strugglingtodomybest Wed 13-May-20 09:03:41

Constantly mocks me in quite unpleasant ways.

I didn't need to read further than this to think, run!

CoraPirbright Wed 13-May-20 09:09:32

God yes - distance yourself. If she is the kind to kick off if you don’t contact her then you may well find that a bust up is on the way anyway even if you try to do this in a subtle way but really, I wouldn’t let that affect your decision. She sounds absolutely horrible!

orangejuicer Wed 13-May-20 09:11:33

You don't need this in your life. Be free!

FOJN Wed 13-May-20 09:11:35

I'm not sure you owe her an explanation for not contacting her again. Just block her and be done with it. If you bump into her be friendly but vague, you've been busy etc and then walk away, don't commit to any further contact. She may be angry, hurt or confused by your actions but I can't see how you might get her to understand your perspective if she lacks the self awareness to see how nasty her own behaviour is. If you here she's been gossiping about you then you can be equally non committal with whoever is reporting to you, "oh that's a shame she speaks about me like that, I thought we were friends", no need to present your side of the story. People will believe what they want to no matter what you say so don't waste energy on someone who puts you down to make themselves feel better. If she's pleasant to some people and not to others then this is a choice and has nothing to do with mental health.

pippapegga Wed 13-May-20 09:14:48

The thing is, are you going to remain in a friendship purely for fear she'll bitch about you to others? Would you stay in an abusive romantic relationship for the same reasons?
Even if she does slate you to others, they'll know she's a total bitch and probably treats them the same. I doubt they'd respect her opinion.

Tableclothing Wed 13-May-20 09:15:30

She sounds deeply horrible. She probably slags you off to other people already, so I wouldn't worry about that.

AlwaysCheddar Wed 13-May-20 09:17:27

I bet she slags you’re off to everyone now so I wouldn’t worry about ditching her. She’s nasty.

Pradababe Wed 13-May-20 09:33:02

Yes, just cool the relationship. It's not worth treasuring someone who upsets you. You can fill her empty space with better people... her loss.

UnabashedlyNeurodifferent Wed 13-May-20 10:19:46

I wouldn't even bother letting her know I'm dumping her (She's not worth the courtesy). I'd just no longer be available at anytime, for any reason. Block, delete, unfriend, everything and I bet you'll feel a massive weight lifted once it's done. Anywhere you find her name, just scroll past. Don't talk about her with anyone yiu can't trust irl because you may not know who's bitching about you to her or vice versa. Let her be gone....

🎵 Let it go...let it go.......I don't care....🎵

1Wildheartsease Wed 13-May-20 18:28:27

If she is a friend, how do your enemies treat you?confused

I agree about moving slowly away if you can. She is likely to make this a drama too if you let her.

BelfryBat Wed 13-May-20 18:31:29

She probably slags you off to other people anyway, by the sound of her. I would just drop her. If she makes a fuss, just tell her you prefer to spend your time with people who are nice to you.

amber763 Wed 13-May-20 18:33:02

Just bin her. She sounds horrible

Cheesypea Wed 13-May-20 18:35:21

Its tbe perfect time to cool of the friendship. Let it drift dont conact her and tale a while to respond back. I had a friend who was just like this who a drinker. Life is better without her.

RuffleCrow Wed 13-May-20 18:39:13

How is she your friend? Friends are...friendly.

1Morewineplease Wed 13-May-20 18:46:46

She sounds like she has zero self esteem and her coping mechanism is to make herself seem superior to those around her.
This often manifests as bullying.

If you have the courage to point out the issues with her then it may help her on her way to get the counselling that she clearly needs.

The fact that she is supportive of you, at times, is because, in a way, she needs to plant some positives in your relationship or else she can’t extract from you what she really needs. It’s almost controlling.

If I were in your shoes... I’d have had enough and would start to extricate myself from this relationship.
However, I fully appreciate that this may be easier said than done.

Good luck OP!

ShinyRuby Wed 13-May-20 18:50:25

It's so easy to fall into this sort of dreadful friendship. I met someone who sounds SO similar at my antenatal class. At first, just like you say, a reasonable friend but the nastiness soon became a real problem, your 'friend' sounds exactly like her!
I understand why you don't want a massive fall out as these people tend to be dramatic & love a row. I started to make excuses & say I couldn't make any regular meet ups. I turned down an invitation to her party (nicely) & she slowly got the message. I had to be a little blunt in the end but by then I think she'd written me off as someone not worth bothering about.
Years later, I met her again as our dc started secondary school & we were civil &have been whenever we've met since at school events. This was much easier because there'd been no big fall out. We're usually in a small world of groups & schools & massive bust ups are definitely best avoided. Definitely distance yourself though, she sounds like hell!!

NeutrinoWrangler Wed 13-May-20 18:59:58

I'd just stop answering her calls/messages. If you feel the need, you can make it more gradual of a process, but if you take longer and longer to answer and keep things brief and dull when you do engage, she'll probably lose interest quickly.

As PP have said, chances are she's already gossiping about you, since you know she gossips about everyone else. That's just the way she is, and everyone who spends much time with her probably knows it. I wouldn't want a scene with her, but neither would I worry that she'll "start" slagging you off, considering that she probably already is.

Considering how she talks to you to your face, I can't imagine she holds back behind your back!

imsooverthisdrama Wed 13-May-20 19:03:06

Yeah she's horrible, like someone else said extreme low self esteem so she's a bully .
One day you will look back and wish you had the courage to tell her to fuck off .
I understand why you can't or won't I've been there .
Definitely distance yourself from her , you have the perfect excuse with lockdown and distancing. So don't answer her calls and messages and if she gets pissed off ignore her .
Eventually she will forget about you as you were never her friend really , she doesn't have friends just people that are convenient to her .

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