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To think this profile and DH doesn't stack up . . . .

(129 Posts)
Hulloandwelcome Wed 13-May-20 04:30:11

DH and I married 15 years, 2 kids, we have grown up together. Always lived in the same town, the one we lived in as children. Pretty good relationship, same as most of my friends and typical of those after this amount of time together - a bit stale, but generally a functional marriage.
I had a few drinks (via zoom) with some girlfriends at the weekend, which turned into a bit of a bitch fest about people we went to school with. 'who is still with so and so' ' have you seen how much botox such and such has had' silly childish stuff that was fulled by boredom and way too much Cava. This lead to us trawling through DH's facebook friends looking for someone who we all wondered if was still with their idiot DH. We all spotted this profile that none of us know, no connections in common, no sense of familiarity. It didn't just stand out to me, my BF spotted it too and asked who she was. For context, we have a small friend group, DH doesn't have 100's of friends, he goes to the gym, plays football and works with mostly men. BF asked her DH if he knew who she was, he had no idea and had never seen her before. So I asked DH, the response was 'oh we used to work together' For some reason the speed of his response and then his manner for the rest of the evening (he told me off for bitching about people, that I should #bekind) didn't sit right. So I did more digging. She doesn't have much of an online presence but I found her on LinkedIn, they haven't worked together according to her profile and it doesn't seem possible looking at their careers - plus she doesn't live anywhere near us. AIBU to think there is more to this than an old work pal? Or is boredom getting to me. Can't sleep for thinking about it . . .

OP’s posts: |
Yeahnahmum Wed 13-May-20 04:40:15

What are you so worried about? That he has a female acquaintance that you weren't aware off? Or the fact that you think he is lying about how they know each other?

PolPotNoodle Wed 13-May-20 05:05:48

Why couldn't they have worked together? LinkedIn isn't an online CV sitting there ready for suspicious people to scrutinise after a few wines, plenty of things are left off of it.

You and your friends sound awful, by the way.

Hulloandwelcome Wed 13-May-20 05:11:39

Both - why would he lie about how he knew her if it was an innocent connection? Why is she on his radar to recall instantly who she is, if she is some 'long lost connection' that was buried in his friends list.
We know each others friends and I haven't heard him talk about anyone new in years. Not even some annoying bloke down the gym. All our friends/acquaintances are joint or connected via another of our friends. Her profile just stood out, imagine 1 celebrity profile hidden amongst 100 of your friends. All our profile pics are family pics, selfies, holiday snaps . . . it just looked different if that makes sense.

OP’s posts: |
Eschallonia Wed 13-May-20 05:18:21

I’d be entirely freaked out if my spouse combed my social media for drunken mass bitching material and got suspicious because I had a FB friend that didn’t fit her ‘template’ for my life. Have you considered that this might be linked to why your marriage is a bit ‘stale’?

PolPotNoodle Wed 13-May-20 05:19:18

Because he might not be lying? Again, she doesn't have to list every job shes had on her LinkedIn on the off-chance that the pissed-up wife of an ex-colleague wants to cross-reference her timeline of employment. He might recall who she is because he is an adult with a functioning brain (I assume).

You all sound very much in eachothers pockets and it sounds like my idea of hell. Maybe you should tell him that from now on he can only add people to facebook that have at least 10 mutual friends and even then, you need to press the Confirm button for him. Insane.

sobeyondthehills Wed 13-May-20 05:47:13

I have less than 100 friends on facebook and I can probably tell you where I know each and every one of them

Hulloandwelcome Wed 13-May-20 05:47:22

Ok it probably sounds worse than it was, we were just gossiping mostly good but a little bad, just over silly things about people we know. But from what I can see there is no way they could have worked together. Completely different geographical locations and industries that just don't fit together. Think investment banker into beautician. (not those industries - but just no way for them to interlink - from what I can see) He is typically very secretive with his phone, I don't know the password because it is a work phone and people say that is an indicator of infidelity. I hope it is just my imagination running away but there is something about him recently that isn't adding up and I guess this has fuelled it.

OP’s posts: |
Peggysgettingcrazy Wed 13-May-20 05:53:28

I dont get this

You and your friends trawled through your dhs friends list scrutinising it?

So you could have a bitch fest about people you all used to know. But you couldn't just look those people up, non of you are friends with these people. It could only be achieved by going though your dhs friends list person by person.

Thats really really odd.

But, an anecdote. My dp once asked how come I had his cousin on FB and did i know him. The answer was no, when that account added me I thought he was a parent from the kids hobby. Genuinely, just assumed because of the people we had in common it was the hobby that my kids and sils kids attends. No big deal.

Dp wasn't slightly bothered.

If I found out that dp was going through my friends list and questioning me on anyone who didn't fit, I would be really fucked off though.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 13-May-20 05:53:28

DH would never have the password to my work phone. I'd be fired if anyone found out I'd done that.

And if you know every person each other knows and every connection, sell your house, leave your job and travel the world. Or something, anything.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 13-May-20 05:55:31

Oh and I have a man on my FB I don't actually know. We both thought we were someone else and added each other.

He lives a fabulous life of cigars, whiskey tastings, fancy suits and dapper everything so I'm keeping him. Goodness knows why he keeps me.

Peggysgettingcrazy Wed 13-May-20 05:57:23

a beautician could have worked as administrator in the offices of investment bankers. Or may have been an investment banker.

I know lots of people who only keep their LinkedIn relevant to their current profession.

And of course you don't have the code to his work phone. Jesus, if that's a sign of infidelity, my poor dp must be concerned thinking I am cheating.

You have just revealed that you already think he is secretive. You were looking through his friends list to see if you could find anything. Why not just admit that?

understandmenow Wed 13-May-20 06:17:46

Oh I'm sure that he has had or is having an affair with her, what other possible explanation could there be? Is she pretty, his type, the right age?

You and your friends sound awful, a bitchfest, your BF noticed that he had someone you didn't know on his Facebook.

Jeez could you imagine if a man came on here saying that he allowed his friends to trawl your Facebook and BF to question why you had unknown friends on Facebook?


Pretty good relationship, same as most of my friends and typical of those after this amount of time together - a bit stale, but generally a functional marriage.

Spend more time making your relationship less stale and less time drinking cava and bitching about other women.

MarinaMarinara Wed 13-May-20 06:25:06

An indicator of infidelity?! I have never cheated and nor would I but my DH doesn’t know the password to my phone because it is a work phone and that would be deeply inappropriate (even though he’d have no nefarious intent it would still be a breach of client confidentiality and a serious breach of my work’s IT and tech policy).
I think (probably because you are concerned generally) you are reading too much into stuff like the phone password.

Survivalmode36 Wed 13-May-20 06:25:26

You guys must lead very mundane lives if you know each other's friend lists to that extent confused

I'd imagine most people have a list of friends that could include from school, uni, sports clubs, travelling, work, regulars at the pub, second cousins, in laws, family friends, school parents, neighbours, ex neighbours.... how the FUCK can you all know the minutiae of each other's lives to this extent?

My head would explode. Grow up and start living and talk about the world instead of other people...original mean girls.

As Eleanor Roosevelt said:

"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people."

Heartlake Wed 13-May-20 06:25:58

I really don't have time to keep an audited inventory of every person my DH may have met!

I can understand how it came about. But you both need to expand your horizons somewhat.

BluebellForest836 Wed 13-May-20 06:27:52

If she lives miles away how exactly would they even be meeting unless he works away often?

quietheart Wed 13-May-20 06:27:54

Well don't you sound lovely?

The word karma comes to mind, you having a bitch fest mocking peoples looks and choices, scrolling through Facebook calling people idiots only to get your comeuppance wink very small town mentality.

For what its worth my marriage was not even a bit stale after 15 years.

I agree with your DH about your bitching. And no one will ever get the password to my work phone, its confidential

Oh and what @Eschallonia said too.

SucculentCandle Wed 13-May-20 06:29:52

I'm afraid your story doesn't stack up OP. Were you seriously trawling your DH's friend list with friends, or was it just you?

FinnefanFox Wed 13-May-20 06:30:11

You sound delightful OP

TheGirlWithAPrince Wed 13-May-20 06:31:03

Bit weird for you and your friends to find an issue with it :S

ukgift2016 Wed 13-May-20 06:32:54

You and your friends sound like delightful people.

MorganKitten Wed 13-May-20 06:33:48

Why should you know the password to his work phone?

NotAgainNo Wed 13-May-20 06:37:04

Oh just stop! He rightly told you off for bitching about people and I see how you've easily taken the moral high ground and breezily waved it off as normal, lighthearted because of boredom and too much wine (tired excuse btw) while he has done the unthinkable by telling you to "..#bekind".

understandmenow Wed 13-May-20 06:38:43

For some reason the speed of his response and then his manner for the rest of the evening (he told me off for bitching about people, that I should #bekind) didn't sit right.

His manner for the rest of the evening........... he was probably irritated with his pissed wife bitching about others and encouraging her friends to go through his personal stuff, I'd have had a "manner" for a lot longer than the rest of the evening.

Again, imagine if this was your DH and his mates doing this to your personal stuff and then questioning you!

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