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AIBU?

To drop a note through neighbours door

83 replies

WokeUpSmeltTheCoffee · 12/05/2020 22:19

Or should I call 101?
Or do nothing?

Lived in this terraced house 15years and had same male neighbour all that time. We are on cordial terms eg take in parcels but not friendly. The walls are thin and we can hear crying children and normal household noise from both sides but have got used to it.

In that time he's had at least 3 female partners and IMHO has been borderline abusive to them all.
He shouts, screams, swears, calls them foul names but I have no evidence of anything physical apart from one occasion when I did call 999 after he had kicked his pregnant partner out in the garden at night, barefoot and was shoving her. Police came and she went with them and she left him shortly afterwards thank god.

His current partner he's been with a few years but since lockdown things are really bad. For hours and hours every day I can hear him shouting, swearing and calling her every name under the sun. I find it really disturbing (brings up long past experiences for me) and I have been in tears over it.

On the other hand DH and the kids don't seem to notice as much as I do (although they can hear it and will mention it) so maybe I am oversensitive
I do hear her shouting back at him too although not as much as he shouts
I have no evidence of anything physical going on.
Maybe it's none of my business but I really wish it would stop.

I have thought of putting a note through asking her if she is Ok but shamefully I don't know her name only his.

I have thought of a note to him to let him know we can hear and asking him to tone it down but would that make it worse for her?

Occasionally I wonder about calling police but I guess shouting and swearing is not an offence.

Coronavirus complicated things as I can't really ask her round for tea and he is always there.

So IABU to drop a note and will only make it worse/ none of my business
or IANBU I should try to help in some way

They just started shouting at each other again right now and that follows on from a few hours worth around tea time. 'You f* stupid bitch will you just shut the f up' is the sort of thing. She does shout back 'no you shut up' but it's mostly him.

OP posts:

Report

OpenWheelRace · 12/05/2020 22:21

Call the police - its verbal abuse

Embracelife · 12/05/2020 22:21

Call the police again . He has form
Why would a note make any difference

LewisFan · 12/05/2020 22:22

Verbal abuse might be the part you can hear. There may be all sorts of other things going on.

Call them. She might need help.

WokeUpSmeltTheCoffee · 12/05/2020 22:23

Would they be interested? Is it a police matter?

I also do worry that maybe it would make it worse for her or she wouldn't want me to do it/ it's an over reaction

OP posts:

LewisFan · 12/05/2020 22:24

Yes it's a police matter. It's verbal abuse at the very least.

ASimpleLampoon · 12/05/2020 22:24

Second calling the police. If she calls later on in an emergency it will help her. Don't send a note.

Splitsunrise · 12/05/2020 22:25

Yes verbal abuse and coercive control potentially - I would report it. Could you wait until he definitely goes out and knock and check if she’s ok? She might say yes she’s fine or she might say she needs help..

WokeUpSmeltTheCoffee · 12/05/2020 22:25

I guess I thought a note might let him know we can hear him which he does not appear to realise (although should be obvious as doubtless he can hear us). Might shame him into stopping.

OP posts:

rossKemp · 12/05/2020 22:26

Hi OP, you’re a very good person for caring as much as you do. I would strongly advise contacting the police on 101 and telling them that you’re suspecting domestic abuse. I’m sure they’ll be supportive. At least you’ll know you’ve done what you can

WokeUpSmeltTheCoffee · 12/05/2020 22:27

I wish I could knock and check she is OK but he never appears to go out.

OP posts:

daisymay133 · 12/05/2020 22:27

Not sure

me and dh argue like that - both shout and sweat -,and both give as good as we get

But given his history it’s complicated I suppose

daisymay133 · 12/05/2020 22:28

Swear

LewisFan · 12/05/2020 22:28

If he is abusive, it wont shame him. Itll anger him and itll be her fault. He will also know you can hear, so will continue to abuse her, but in ways you cant hear. He may escalate from yelling to a myriad other things...

A note is a very dangerous idea.

Happy20 · 12/05/2020 22:28

Call the police and let them make the call of what action should be taken.

Bbang · 12/05/2020 22:29

Don’t leave a note it will only anger him and she’ll be the recipient of this anger, just call and report to the police.

Wigglegiggle0520 · 12/05/2020 22:30

Call the police. Poor woman.

WokeUpSmeltTheCoffee · 12/05/2020 22:30

Ok I'm going to call 101
I will admit I am a bit scared that he will know it's me too.
Would have to be me or the neighbours the other side who are am elderly couple.
I would imagine they can surely hear it all too

OP posts:

LinManWellWellWell · 12/05/2020 22:33

Definitely not a note. As someone else said he’ll just do things you cant hear which is much more dangerous for her. Definitely log with the police. I really feel for you but well done for not ignoring.

HollowTalk · 12/05/2020 22:33

I would definitely call the police. Worst case scenario is she backs him up and denies it.

MorganKitten · 12/05/2020 22:34

Don’t do a note, if he sees it he’ll take it out on her. Call the police.

Herpesfreesince03 · 12/05/2020 22:34

I’d wait until the next argument and phone the police and tell them you think there’s a domestic going on next door. They’ll go round and check what’s happening. They’ll check up on her and it’ll make him think twice about starting if he knows the neighbours know what’s going on

WokeUpSmeltTheCoffee · 12/05/2020 22:35

Should perhaps have said no kids in their house. He has contact with his son some weekends usually but doesn't appear to have since Covid and they don't have kids together.

OP posts:

Handsoffisback · 12/05/2020 22:36

Call the police OP, she needs someone to be her voice if she is too afraid to speak up x

TARSCOUT · 12/05/2020 22:36

Sounds like shes giving as good as she gets so I wouldn't be worried for her, perhaps you are.projecting? In saying that, if it is disturbing you and you aren't comfortable speaking to them directly the perhaps contact police for advice?

madcatladyforever · 12/05/2020 22:38

Don't send a note because then every single time the police go round he will know it's you.
I would report to 101 each and every time.
When the time comes that he does hurt someone as it will it will all be on record.
And after the nth report they will go and speak to him.

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