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found DP has been cheating

(83 Posts)
inshocks Mon 11-May-20 15:09:20

Hi all, posting for traffic.

Please help me - I am somewhat calm but also in shock and don't know what to do.

DP and I just bought a house together and we are engaged.
A year ago I found DP had been on a chat website and whilst upset, I thought I'd found his account and it wasn't sinister and the website is a place to be anonymous and just get things off your chest. We had relationship troubles so thinking that we could move past this and he would stop, we carried on.

Today I found the app being used on his phone. He was doing it through a sneaky way following a big argument.

He has admitted some of the truth - he has been speaking to girls, he has sent them pictures of himself, some he has told his real name some he hasn't. They don't know his surname, some are married, they sext etc.

I know this means that we should breakup, but I just feel so confused. We had a lot of problems so part of me understands using it as an escape but the lies when we were meant to move past it show he's selfish and a prick.

I want to find his account to know the real truth. He doesn't have a secret phone otherwise he'd have been using that surely? I've tried forgot password and it's not connected to any of his known email addresses or phone numbers.
I am going crazy.

I really need some support.

We have two dogs and a house, everything else is separate. We couldn't see the house with what is going on.

OP’s posts: |
Aloe6 Mon 11-May-20 15:10:45

I’m really sorry. If you don’t get out now he will keep repeatedly cheating on you. You deserve much better flowers

ismellamouse Mon 11-May-20 15:12:42

Poor you. Give him his marching orders now, if he is cheating already the future for you doesn't look good.

Lottiebugz22 Mon 11-May-20 15:14:11

Please know you deserve better than this. He has no respect for you to be doing this. It's over. X

Frozenfan2019 Mon 11-May-20 15:18:36

Could you open an account on the website in question and seek him out. Then he might give you an email address.

If he knows you know then could you demand to see the account and all its historical info?

None of that will stop him from being a cheat and a liar though, I really wouldnt advise marrying someone who treats you like this.

Scarlettpixie Mon 11-May-20 15:18:39

My ex did some of this. Was always sorry, said it was just fantasy, not real etc. l forgave him a few times. He had an affair and we split 2 years ago after 19 years together. With hindsight I should have got rid of him 10+ years sooner.

Once might be forgivable but if they do it twice it will happen again,

I am sorry this has happened to you 💐

Lucked Mon 11-May-20 15:21:40

I honestly think he will keep doing it and will eventually escalate it, maybe not now but down the line when life is hard with kids etc. He got a second chance and has blown it. I wouldn’t marry him.

Lostvoiced Mon 11-May-20 15:23:59

If he's set up a whole other email address to chat to girls I think that tells you all you need to know.

You're not even married yet and he's looking elsewhere, I wouldn't have high hopes for when you're actually married.

Sorry OP, I'd end it. flowers

pilates Mon 11-May-20 15:24:00

The trust has gone, not sure how you can continue with this relationship. Sorry 💐

GabriellaMontez Mon 11-May-20 15:26:23

How much more do you really want to know?

What's the best you hope to see? Can your really ever trust someone so disrespectful and dishonest?

Pixiefringe Mon 11-May-20 15:27:16

Thank goodness you found out before you married him. Run OP and dont look back, without a miracle he wont change.

inshocks Mon 11-May-20 15:28:17

he said he doesn't want me to see.

he has admitted some of the people, he said they're just throwaway and all married too. He even said he has shown one person who I am which is horrid.

I think I need to see it for my own sanity.

He won't leave.

OP’s posts: |
MatildaTheCat Mon 11-May-20 15:32:46

Being engaged to someone when you have a lot of relationship problems is a very bad idea and that’s without the cheating.

It may be technically difficult to split up but staying together will destroy you. Tell real life people and get support to get out.

Best wishes.

FlowerArranger Mon 11-May-20 15:33:15

Leave. This is never going to get better.

If you don't leave, you will 've back here at some point with the same story, or worse.

Do not marry this man.

Do not have children with this man.

Leave.

Aquamarine1029 Mon 11-May-20 15:33:17

You don't need to see it. You already know the truth. Don't be a fool and still marry this cheat. Move into another bedroom and start making plans to sell.

Maybelatte Mon 11-May-20 15:34:49

He’s gone to the effort of setting an online account up purely to chat to and sext other women behind your back, I would not put physical cheating past him at all.

If you value yourself at all, kick him to the curb.

CandleNoBra Mon 11-May-20 15:38:06

I’m so sorry @inshocks flowers

Sadly he’s done it at least twice so now your choice is simple. Leave him or put up with a lifetime of cheating and lies. They never change.

twilightcanine Mon 11-May-20 15:39:03

You know enough of the truth to know that this relationship is dead. Leave now, live the rest of your life in the light. Don't let yourself fester and waste away with this no good shitstick.

Friendsofmine Mon 11-May-20 15:39:33

So sorry OP but cheating this early on and seeing his true colours is a gift of sorts, a bullet painfully dodged. It means you can get out early.

Do not marry him.

BlueSuffragette Mon 11-May-20 15:43:50

Sorry OP. He's no respect for you. The relationship is over. Move into the spare room, sort out your finances, sell the house. Tell everybody why. Get help from you family and friends. You have done nothing wrong. His fault, he deserves the shit, you deserve support.

RenegadeMrs Mon 11-May-20 15:46:46

I think you know in your heart what you need to do, and hopefully everyone here saying the same thing will help.

Don't spend the money on a wedding and don't have kids. A house and two dogs is far easier to unravel than marriage and kids.

Pick yourself up with your head held high and leave. You did nothing wrong here and the trust has gone.

BlackAndWhiteCat01 Mon 11-May-20 15:49:10

Honestly - when people say they don't change they don't. It sounds cliche. In fact it tends to get so worse its almost unbelievable to hear.
This is probably even the tip of the iceberg. Save yourself.

IncredibleSulk Mon 11-May-20 15:50:41

I’m sorry OP, I know how much this hurts.

From experience, what you have found is likely to be just the tip of the iceberg. What are the odds that you have stumbled across the whole truth? Pretty slim IME.

At best he’s a liar, he’s deceitful and he has zero respect for you. Chances are he’s done more than you have found out and even if not, if you forgive him for this he will probably go on to do more in the future.

I know it’s hard to hear and that you will want to believe that he will change etc etc but when someone shows you their true colours then believe them and save yourself a lot of heartache in the long run.

ChuckyMonkey Mon 11-May-20 15:53:21

He doesn't want you to see because he doesn't want you to know the full extent of what he has been up to.

Do not marry this man.

Do not believe that he will change.

I

Ellmau Mon 11-May-20 15:58:15

No point in investigating further. He needs to leave. Now.

Arrange to sell the house when practical and you each get back what you put in.

I know this is emotionally horrible for you, but difficult though it is, a clean break now is better than years and years of him doing the same thing over and over. He won't change, I'm afraid.

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