Tell me why I'm BU please

[tygaloaf]

DP and his friends were discussing some football league in another country that's starting again (don't know much about it).

His friend suggested as part of the sweepstake they'll go abroad to the winning country in 2021. Whoever picks the winning team gets the holiday paid by the other two.

All fair and well except that we are meant to get married in 2021...
he will have a stag (a week abroad they're planning) and we need to save for the wedding and honeymoon.

I think it's stupid, unfair and disrespectful as it will consequence our other plans.

He says he won't be told what he can and can't do. That's it.

So I am sure mumsnet will say I'm being unreasonable, but can someone talk to me about why / how to get over myself so I can calm down? Thanks

[PlanDeRaccordement]

Just tell him the football thing is also his stag thing.

[Mintlegs]

In view of recent world events it would not surprise me if it was not on. I would have worded things differently, it sounds like you have annoyed him? I would let it go for now and wait and see

[Reversiblesequinsforadults]

Any purchases over a certain amount should be discussed (depending on budget as for some this might be£50 and others might be £500) as should any time away as to whether it's convenient for the other person.

[LouiseTrees]

It’s the Belarusian football league I believe if that helps. Definitely suggest that that then becomes his stag.

[tygaloaf]

@louisetrees thank you! Had no idea.

There is zero discussion. He read it out loud and I said "wait what, that's our wedding year!" And he said "so what?" And I said "well you're already going on a stag" and he said "don't tell me what to do, X will go" (the one in a relationship, the other is single).

The one in a relationship often makes plans without telling his other half (they have a child) and then just begs forgiveness but they're happy with that.

I'm not. We just bought a house that's very expensive.
The reason our wedding isn't as cheap as I'd like is that it's entirely revolved around his extravagant wants.

I just feel like any person with their head screwed on would say "lads, 2021 is the wedding year. Might have to be 2022!"

[KeepWashingThoseHands]

Think you need to have some other conversations before getting married tbh.

[Inituntiltheend]

I think he is being inconsiderate- the holiday should be his stag

[Bumsnet1]

@tygaloaf did you write a post about his wedding plans last month?

[ARoseInHarlem]

Oh dear. Sorry, OP, this sounds like trouble brewing. Get your finances sorted before you get married, and certainly sort out the “you don’t tell me what to do”.

[Shinyhappypeople1]

Sounds like you should be reconsidering this marriage - I don’t think YABU at all. He seems to completely disregard you in his plans. How will you feel about ‘don’t tell me what to do’ when you have young children and he is emulating his mate you describe above.

[Guiltypleasures001]

I think seriously you shouldn't marry him, he sounds like an arse
You'll be back on here in 18 months time, telling us what a mistake you've made

[Atalune]

This is the least of your problems.

[WarmSausageTea]

I know they’ve been playing in Belarus, but the South Korean league started/resumed a few days ago. If that’s the league they’re taking about, a trip there wouldn’t be cheap.

YANBU.

[Ellisandra]

Wouldn’t bother me.
My husband went on a ski holiday without me the year we got married. We could afford both.
I personally wouldn’t get involved in sweepstakes and paying for other people - but I can see it would be fun and exciting for others with a different personality.

If he can afford it, without impacting you, then you’re being unreasonable. His money his choice. My husband doesn’t tell me how to spend my money.

If you earn the same and it will come out if joint savings so you’re subsidising him in it - then I’ll change my mind.

Agree with PP though, you need to have much deeper conversations before marriage.

[BackseatCookers]

I think you need to have a serious think about whether you and him are cut out to get married.

[tygaloaf]

@bumsnet no I haven't done any other posts wedding - related or DP related

[EKGEMS]

I'd wave him good bye on his trip and pack up all my belongings while he's gone and leave thanking the stars for dodging a bullet

[Crinkle77]

Just tell him the football thing is also his stag thing

You could suggest it was his stag do but I wouldn't marry anyone who 'told' me it would be my stag do.

[tygaloaf]

@ellisandra I expected more of these posts. I think it bothers me despite money... but money is a good way to justify my discomfort.

He earns less than me and has debts he should pay off (not bad ones - he is good with money). But we can only afford this wedding if he saves hard like he did for the house but I think it's harder when you can just "put it on credit"

[Ellisandra]

Agree @Crinkle77

@tygaloaf what is the actually financial situation here? Are you paying more to the wedding (from your pocket) than your want to because he’s forcing you to?

[PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock]

I can't because I don't think you are BU.

Tbh this whole thing spells trouble to me.

[tygaloaf]

It is the Belarus one. Ends December.

DP is a teacher so he will only be able to go in half terms. He can't go Christmas because of current plans.
February half term he usually has to teach. April we go away. May is his stag. Then it's our wedding.

He said it'd just be a Friday to Sunday. I guess the fact it wasn't a conversation or no one thought there's a wedding happening has really upset me.

I won't argue about it. I'm just going to have a good think.

Lately some things have been causing me to have second thoughts on whether this is the type of man I want to be with forever

[Frozenfan2019]

This would seriously piss me off. If our quote was verbatim you didn't tell him what to do, you acted surprised when he told you about his selfish plans.

I don't personally think a member of a couple should take a holiday without discussing it with the other person first. If they have separate accountsand don't live together then it's obviously a different discussion but if you share your life with someone then big decisions like that should be discussed. If you don't agree on these things then it will cause problems in your marriage, you need to be on the same page with what your red lines are.

[MumW]

You need to seriously reconsider whether there is actually going to be a wedding in 2021.

[Ellisandra]

I can’t say this in big enough capitals:

DO NOT MARRY SOMEONE THAT YOU ARE NOT ALIGNED WITH ON FINANCES.

If he can afford the wedding, stag do, house and extra holiday with manageable debt and no impact to you - that’s his business. You can’t tell him “no”. But you can decide that’s a relationship that will only cause you stress - and end it. FGS don’t marry him!