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Please help me through tonight....

(150 Posts)
higgypiggy Sun 10-May-20 22:09:22

Please help me see sense. I'm sorry if this is long.

Things have been crap for a couple of weeks now.

Dh has always been awful with money. It's always been me who deals with finances - I'm sensible and probably over cautious with money. Also dh used to have an extremely bad gambling habit.

He works (extremely hard as he tells me everyday) and I stay at home. I have 2 dcs from previous relationship and 1dc to him. My eldest dc is autistic which means I don't work though I do get a small income from carers allowance and also disability living allowance for my child.

As I said, dh has always been crap. For the past 4 years, I've dealt with all the finances and it's worked fine.

Unfortunately we've had a couple of issues with cars in the last couple of years, we've just had no luck which has led to my mum taking out 2 seperate loans for us. Which she was fine with and we pay it back regularly and always on time.

Dhs credit has always been bad but now it's getting better and is in the 'fair' category. Mine is excellent but due to being a carer, I can't get any loans or anything on credit.

We've also been saving up for a mortgage and have been doing so well. That and dhs credit score moving upwards, we are perfectly on track to buy our house in 2/3 years - we rent off a friend who is wanting to sell and is willing to wait until we've saved up a deposit.

Anyway, dh had an idea that we should take out another loan to get another car. I've said it's not the best idea considering we still owe my mum 2 seperate loans and also it wouldn't look good for a mortgage....and why damage your credit score now when it's just going up by applying for another loan?

Dh also wants to lend a family member on his side (who is also terrible with money) £4K. I said I didn't feel comfortable doing that. We have already lent him money a lot in the past and 4K is too much.

By me saying no to both these ideas, it's caused dh to get extremely angry and tonight has been awful. I haven't helped things by bringing up my mental health - I'm at home all day with 3dcs and struggling. He told me I was being stupid and I sound ridiculous.

It's resulted in me ringing my mum and asking if I could go stay with her which she said yes too.

Firstly he said he didn't care if we left.
Then he said because of lockdown, if we left then we wouldn't be able to come back to the house until this is over.
Then he told us to get out, he wanted us gone.
Then he refused to let me leave. I said I'd stay as I was too scared to get the kids from upstairs to the car with him in the mood he was. I asked him to stay in the kitchen while I got them to the car but he just started shouting at me, I felt scared.

He told me he was going to go. He hasn't, he's here and sleeping on the sofa.

I've been in touch with my mum who knows exactly what's going on. She's been great but is worried for me.

I'm scared for tomorrow, he will be going to work so that gives me chance to get my stuff and go but he will be so angry. And for some stupid reason....I don't want to lose him.

Hettie25677 Sun 10-May-20 22:15:10

What would you advise a friend to do if they were in tour situation?

Hettie25677 Sun 10-May-20 22:15:22


higgypiggy Sun 10-May-20 22:16:02

@Hettie25677 obviously leave but that doesn't help when it's you that's dealing with it. I know I need to leave but it's easier said than done

Whatsername177 Sun 10-May-20 22:17:01

You are in an abusive relationship. You need to get out. Call your mum and put a plan into place for tomorrow.

Is this normal behaviour?

higgypiggy Sun 10-May-20 22:18:32

The thing is, we rarely argue, we get on well usually. He does work hard and he brings that up a lot. It makes me feel crap - like I don't. I keep the house spotless, do everything for the dcs, all the house work, all the cooking, tidying up etc. Which I don't mind....It's always worked for us

higgypiggy Sun 10-May-20 22:19:23

@Whatsername177 it's so hard to see. That's why I needed to come on here - I need help to see it

Moondust001 Sun 10-May-20 22:19:40

If the money is in a joint account, clear it out as soon as possible. Put it into an account only you can access.

higgypiggy Sun 10-May-20 22:21:20

@Moondust001 the savings are in my account, he can't touch it. We have w joint account we use for everyday things

oversomerainbow Sun 10-May-20 22:22:05

You are not overreacting or being unreasonable, you sound very sensible. I'm trying to think of any circumstances where I would lend someone that amount of money and I really can't, and I'm not tight, but it's an awful lot of money. If a friend was in need I'd give them my time, houseroom, help etc but not £4k.

I would wait until morning, get your kids and go to your mum's. You don't need us to tell you there are enormous red flags here and I would be reconsidering buying a house with this person. flowers

higgypiggy Sun 10-May-20 22:23:48

Can anyone please explain why I feel so awful about leaving? And why I feel so scared?

Hwyrynos Sun 10-May-20 22:23:57

I’m so sorry to hear what an awful evening you’ve had, your world’s been shaken in just a few hours. We’re here for you xx Have things been this bad before, or is this the first time, out of the blue?

higgypiggy Sun 10-May-20 22:26:10

@Hwyrynos I've left before for a night, he hates it when I do that. When we argue - which is quite rare - no one ever apologises and nothing gets resolved. He just says we need to forget about it.

I think this is the worst it's ever been

OoohTheStatsDontLie Sun 10-May-20 22:29:22

He thinks his contribution is more important than yours because he 'works' and you dont and and he doesnt value your contribution. It doesnt sound like he does his share when he is there at weekends etc.

He therefore thinks that means he should have the final say on your joint money, because it's really 'his'.

Always pointing out how hard he works is him reminding you of this.

Tonight he has said he doesnt care if you go and what's worse he doesnt even care if his child goes. He is getting angry because you don't want to agree to fuck up your joint financial future for something you don't need, and lending money you cant afford that is unlikely to be paid back.

You have told him how you feel and he has completely dismissed your feelings as 'stupid' because he thinks looking after kids is easy.

It sounds like the only reason you get on ok normally is because you toe the line and do everything for him so literally the only adult thing he has to do is go to work.

It doesnt sound like he has anything going for him to be honest

OoohTheStatsDontLie Sun 10-May-20 22:30:58

Any change is scary. Even good change. I dumped someone that irritated the hell out of me that I knew I had no future with, he was a nice bloke even if I didnt fancy him in the end and it was a massive change as was a 3 year relationship...I cried for a week solidly and that was no kids involved etc and we didnt live together. Was still the right thing to do

higgypiggy Sun 10-May-20 22:34:44

I'm just in bed next to my beautiful 20 month little boy thinking how the hell have I gone wrong again? 3 kids to 2 different dads, no career, no where to live...great

Saying that, he's worse than me. 3 kids to 3 different women. He has 2 other kids too. Who all love each other so much :-(

JKScot4 Sun 10-May-20 22:44:00

Why does he want another car? Why is he wanting to loan a relative 4k?
Is the house in your name?

higgypiggy Sun 10-May-20 22:51:19

@JKScot4 he thinks he need a bigger car - which we do. But I manage with the one we have.

He wants to lend 4K and charge £500 interest. It's his way of adding more money to our deposit

higgypiggy Sun 10-May-20 22:52:18

We have a tenancy agreement for the house, it's through a very close friend. We haven't even signed it. It was for 6 months which we've done and then a rolling contract after that

MuthaFunka61 Sun 10-May-20 22:53:06

Women are told by society to be nice to men even if they're being abusive and starts with young girls being told that a boy likes them if one hits them etc..

No matter how much our rational brain tells us to get out,our emotional brain fires up with 'yes,but...' and so women get stuck. I've done it my self.

It's obvious from you beginning to berate yourself that this mans demeaning judgement of you has sunk in and you need to get him out of your life and out of your head.

Please be careful,give no clues as to any plans you have and deny them if he suspects anything. Go to your mums and block contact if you're susceptible to being persuaded that 'you've been silly'.

Good luck @higgypiggy,go and don't look back

higgypiggy Sun 10-May-20 22:58:05

It's just the little things that are breaking me.

Like every night when he comes home from work, I say to my son 'look dadas home' and ds gets so excited seeing his van on the drive.

Ds then shouts 'hide hide' so we hide behind a curtain and dh creeps up to the window and goes 'boo!'

Then we hide on the inside of the curtain and dh tickles us both.

We do this every night without fail. Ds absolutely loves it, he gets so excited

Why am I thinking of these things? I'm not going to get any sleep tonight

NeverDropYourMoonCup Sun 10-May-20 23:04:38

Is it possible he's come up with those schemes so he can get his hands on the money for gambling debts?

The level of anger whilst not actually wanting you to leave with the money is very suspicious.

zoemum2006 Sun 10-May-20 23:06:05

You can't lend a mate 4K when you have debts. That's so much insanity.

You were absolutely in the right there.

You deserve better than how you are being treated. He is belittling you.

I understand you don't want to be a single mum of three kids but you have to think about whether this is how you want to live your life.

higgypiggy Sun 10-May-20 23:07:05

@NeverDropYourMoonCup no that's not it. If we lent the family member the money, I would of had to do it and it would of been through bank transfer. It's 100% not to gamble, he's just delusional.

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