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AIBU?

alcoholic, controlling MIL - i'll try and keep short!

10 replies

teuch · 14/09/2007 14:10

Long story short - recently moved very close to alcoholic MIL who has many other issues including being v controlling to the point of not wanting her children & partners to get on so constantly stirs trouble. Is vicious enough when sober, but quite appalling when drinking, but never admits to drinking so no way of knowing how you'll find her.

COuple of months ago I said that I was going to give her space until she could show she was making an effort to address ALL the problems, for my sanity, for the welfare of my DS and to try and give her a positive motivating factor (seeing her grandson) to get her going.

I been supporting her for 10yrs but I can't accept her behaviour for DS.

She has not seen him for over 2 mths and has made no effort to... I obviously thought she would be breaking her legs to make sure she still had that relationship but she is using it to score points against me. AIBU?

What do I do now?

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Dropdeadfred · 14/09/2007 14:12

Nothing..you gave her a choice, sounds like she's chosen

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NineUnlikelyTales · 14/09/2007 14:13

To an alcoholic, drink will always come first. If she thought you were serious about not seeing your DS unless she wasn't drinking etc (I'm assuming you were?) then she is actually doing what you asked and not scoring points at all.

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Hurlyburly · 14/09/2007 14:17

You prevented your DS from seeing his grandmother to manage her (unspecified) poor behaviour.

Who is controlling whom?

Now I personally find that to be a terrible and shocking measure to have taken. The background to that sort of sanction would have to be very serious. I understand that you consider it to have been justified.

What were you trying to do with this sanction? What did you want her to do? Give up drinking? She has to take that step for herself. She has to want to do it and she has to have a lot of support to do it.

Coming to the protection issue, IMO it is not protecting your DS to avoid him seeing his grandmother. Did she hit him? Was she abusive to him? If she was then YANBU and you can't go anywhere with that. If she wasn't then YABU but I don't know the way back.

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teuch · 14/09/2007 14:21

The drinking is the obvious one, but I know that she can stop for long spells at a time, but the benders just get worse...over a week long and really putting herself and others at risk

Possibly naively, I actually wanted to see her make positive steps with the other stuff - just generally see that she is trying to be a happier, healthier person.

But I already know that she continues to run me, DH, even DS down at any opportunity...it was accidentally caught on my answer-machine TWICE! Plus other family members give me this impression...

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teuch · 14/09/2007 14:23

Hurlyburly - yes, I would class it as serious...at the time. I just don't know anymore.

Also, she has a history of behaving innapropriately with both my DS and my Neice when sober and drunk, although far worse when drunk.

For that reason alone she was never unsupervised with any of the children.

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lulumama · 14/09/2007 14:27

look, do you want any sort of relationsip with her? you cannot have it both ways, stop her from seeing him and then be cross she hasn't come to see him

an alcoholic will always put drink first as has been said, and if she is an interfering person anyway, you might be better of cutting all ties, but you should not now be angry that she has kept her distance, when you asked her to

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lulumama · 14/09/2007 14:28

in that case, sounds like you are all better of without her. she won;t change or stop drinking just because you want her to

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teuch · 14/09/2007 14:31

Fair enough lulumama! But it wasn't a matter of cutting all ties and stopping ehr from seeing him, I just wanted a bit of breathing space and put the ball in her court to do something about it.

I think I probably have been unreasonable and so has she, but I just don't know what is best for the future.

Like everything, its dead complicated and dead simple... if only I could know what was right for DS!

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curiouscat · 14/09/2007 14:37

What does your dp say, it's his mother after all? Is your ds old enough to know or care if he ever sees your MIL again?

This may be harsh but she sounds unpleasant and if you don't want to see her/want to cut ties then why not take that decision on its own merits not use ds as a pawn? Good luck anyway.

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teuch · 14/09/2007 14:44

same as me, DP saw it as a very necessary but temporary situation...in fact, he wanted to have nothing to do with her years ago, but I was always trying to prevent that from happening. Completely cutting all ties is not something that rests comfortably with me, but I can definitely see its merits, particularly now we are 1/2 a mile from them and much more in the eye of the storm, so to speak.

DS is not 2 yet and I really believe that he is not being disadvantaged by not having a relationship with her, but I feel bad for DP as obviously it is sad for him.