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AIBU - partner of 15years not given plus one to best friends wedding?

(189 Posts)
Smiliestar87 Tue 07-Apr-20 12:22:31

Afternoon all,

I need to get some advice of people as how to best handle a dilemma. My best friend from university has just sent me a 'save the date' for May 2021 but it's only for me. My partner of 15 years has not been included. I have lived with him for almost 10 years but we aren't married.

The wedding is near Dover and I live in Lancaster - so going to require overnight accommodation and a very pricy train fair as I don't drive.

I'm honestly so upset - the groom knows my other half well. We've had him round for dinner several times and given celebrated together at our graduations (before he started dating the bride).

I don't know what to do? Do I say nothing? Do I try and ask for an plus one?

Durgasarrow Tue 07-Apr-20 12:24:54


TeenPlusTwenties Tue 07-Apr-20 12:26:07

It's a save the date, not an invitation.
Could they be sending them to the people that matter and not the 'other halves', and then when the invitation comes it would be to the both of you?

happymummy12345 Tue 07-Apr-20 12:26:47

Personally I hate the idea of anyone not getting a plus one or option to bring a guest to a wedding so I'd say ask for one.

DollyDoneMore Tue 07-Apr-20 12:27:09

She can invite who she wants.

You can choose to go or not.

You don’t get to choose who goes with you.

ittakes2 Tue 07-Apr-20 12:28:25

It could be an error in the sense the actual invite might arrive with both your names. Just ask if this means your partner is not going to be invited.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut Tue 07-Apr-20 12:29:52

“hi Friend

Got your save the date card, so excited, Dave and I can’t wait for the big day itself, hope you’re doing good, sending love xxx”

saraclara Tue 07-Apr-20 12:30:39

The save the date notification doesn't necessarily represent what will happen when invitations arrive.

peony68 Tue 07-Apr-20 12:31:38

My Niece sent just me a save the date ,I didn't query it with her as it's her choice who to invite . However when the actual wedding invitation arrived it included my husband and children . So if it was me I would hold on for the actual wedding invite to arrive and if he's still not included or you are not allocated a plus one space query it then .

DollyDoneMore Tue 07-Apr-20 12:31:41

*Dave and I can’t wait...”

Why would you send such a passive aggressive response? To a “best friend”?

Pinkdelight3 Tue 07-Apr-20 12:32:02

It's fair enough to not want to go if you can't enjoy yourself without him. Sorry to say it does sound a bit feeble though - Lancaster to Dover and an overnight stay is not trekking the Hindu Kush. I'm sure you could manage it if you wanted to. And presumably there'd be other people you knew at the wedding to chat to, or even manage to chat to some new people. If it was a good mate, I wouldn't be worrying about this and certainly not so far in advance. Is your DP even arsed about going?

Smiliestar87 Tue 07-Apr-20 12:32:26

@DollyDoneMore I fully agree - but I've never been in this position before as I've been living with my OH for so long, we have always been invited as a couple to all the other weddings/family events.

Brefugee Tue 07-Apr-20 12:35:09

so save the date and if the invitation is without a plus one, politely decline?

Smiliestar87 Tue 07-Apr-20 12:35:57


I do agree but it's less about the practical aspects (I don't mind sitting on a train for 4 hrs etc) but the financial. We are massively in debt and it's going to be hard for me to fund the train, accommodation, gifts etc in addition to the 4 other weddings we already have for 2021.

Ladyglitterfairydust Tue 07-Apr-20 12:36:46

I imagine when the real invites come out you’ll both be invited. Just wait and see. I agree, it would be very odd if it was just you.

AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff Tue 07-Apr-20 12:37:31

With brefugee

Millettmum Tue 07-Apr-20 12:37:39

I wouldn't worry until the actual invite comes through the post.

Wattagoose90 Tue 07-Apr-20 12:37:48

Weddings cost a fortune. You don't know how much they can't afford. Be flattered you've received a save the date.

As previous posters have said, wait for the invite. If it comes and there's no plus one, accept they're not made of money, politely decline and send them a nice card come the wedding.

Pinkdelight3 Tue 07-Apr-20 12:38:03

"we have always been invited as a couple to all the other weddings/family events."

Won't it be nice to have a solo adventure for once? I love my DH to bits, but would be well up for this and he'd be fine to stay home. Do you never go away without him?

Irial Tue 07-Apr-20 12:38:05

* We are massively in debt and it's going to be hard for me to fund the train, accommodation, gifts etc in addition to the 4 other weddings we already have for 2021*

Don't go then - its going to be very expensive.
And dont go to the other ones - you need an outfit for each one (possibly could re use) , a gift, £50? ish? transport

seriously - why would you go and put yourself in more debt??

Waterandlemonjuice Tue 07-Apr-20 12:38:32

Weird not to invite your partner IMO.

Duckingell Tue 07-Apr-20 12:39:02

I think that maybe some people don't understand how to actually write an invitation.

The invitation should be addressed to all in that household who are invited. So Mr and Mrs Smith, Amy and Ben. That means that the DC are welcome too. However if the invitation read Mr and Mrs Smith - then Amy and Ben will be staying at home alone. Unless the person writing the invitation doesn't understand this.

However this is a Save the Date so maybe the etiquette is not the same.

It would be a bit shitty however for your friend to NOT invite your partner as he is long term.

I would just wait and see what the invitation says when it arrives.

Do you have verbal conversations with this friend? If so surely this kind of thing would crop up - it would be easier to work out exactly what is likely to happen.

Pelleas Tue 07-Apr-20 12:39:20

You don't have to do anything until you receive the invitation - wait and see whether it includes your partner. If it doesn't, you can decline if you don't want to go alone.

burnoutbabe Tue 07-Apr-20 12:39:30

sounds like you can't afford it either way? or prioritise best friend over other 2021 weddings.

All Save the dates i have had haven;t said who is invited, just posted to me and then OH is on the formal invite.

Smiliestar87 Tue 07-Apr-20 12:39:33

I think I'm going to hope it's admin error and wait for the formal invite.

I really want to be there when they get married and will just have to start my own sinking fund now if the invite is only for me.

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