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To think messing up honeymoon was stupid and not cute or funny?

(112 Posts)
LuluNamechangeForHelp Sun 05-Apr-20 23:44:22

I was born outside the EU. I have been on several visas and eventually became a permanent resident of the UK.

My fiance knew I had always wanted to visit Berlin. (Long story). He knew one of the hurdles was the time and faff of getting a Schengen visa. A day off work to go to the embassy, travel to the embassy for photos, fingerprints, get bank statements, letters from work etc. You have to show you have booked your return flight and accommodation and that you have enough money in your bank account (not credit card lol) to fund the trip. That's before even saving up for it etc.

Fiance and I are both from immigrant communities and know the difficulty involved in getting visas for travel but he is a British citizen as they changed the rules after he was born. At the time, if you were born here to parents legally present in the country you automatically became a British citizen.

Anyway for honeymoon we had agreed to stay home as we were saving money for a house.

The day after the wedding he said 'surprise! We are going to Berlin!'

No. Because I don't have a fucking visa for Germany.
No, it's ok. You're British now because we got married yesterday.
hmm
That's not how it works. You still need a visa. It's just a different type (spouse of EU national: Form XYZ 23)

So we lost the cost of the flights, hotel everything and were only able to afford a holiday several years later.

We called the embassy and tried for an emergency appointment, honeymoon etc. No luck. Even the flight and hotel bookings he had done were fixed and couldn't be changed and insurance would not cover for 'your own stupid for fault.' First day of married life = Begging call centre people to bend the rules just this once please and (naturally) getting no's.

I don't even know how he booked the plane tickets because you have to click 'what visa do you have' if the passport number is not a British passport.

I guess he had been reading too much daily mail. I'm still not a British citizen many years later.

At the time I was in tears. Then I just tried to have a stiff upper lip about it when it was clear all the money was lost. I was like 'never mind, you made a mistake.'

Over the years he has told the story like it's a cute funny story.

I think it either shows you are a complete moron and that you had not been listening me for years about difficulty travelling.

Or that it was a mistake at the time but to tell it as a funny story is hurtful.

I did go to Berlin in the end years later. But it left a bitter taste in my mouth because it was meant to have been my honeymoon.

Aibu to think it is not a funny story.

SylvanianFrenemies Sun 05-Apr-20 23:46:49

It sounds frustrating. But it's been years. You need to move past this.

CatBatCat Sun 05-Apr-20 23:48:53

Sounds like it's one of those not funny at the time story's but you could now look back and laugh.

Chillicheese123 Sun 05-Apr-20 23:49:02

Sorry if this is really nosy but where are you from that it is so hard to travel?! Is it like that for everywhere you want to travel ?

AmelieTaylor Sun 05-Apr-20 23:49:51

It was stupid of him at the time. It wasn’t a cute or funny story either. But years later...get a grip. Let alone ‘right now’ when thousands of people are losing loved ones to this pandemic - it’s completely ridiculous to be mothering over this

AmelieTaylor Sun 05-Apr-20 23:50:32

Mithering not mothering

Ohyesiam Sun 05-Apr-20 23:51:21

I think you need to get over it now, it’s a shame money, but look around you at what’s happening in the world. Put out into perspective.

IWantT0BreakFree Sun 05-Apr-20 23:52:16

Have you told him that you don't think it's funny or endearing and that actually it just pisses you off every time he repeats it like it's a funny story?

PerditaProvokesEnmity Sun 05-Apr-20 23:52:31

How is your married life now? ...

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock Sun 05-Apr-20 23:54:36

If that's a first of a long line of incidents of him not listening to you, being stupid,irresponsible and reckless then YANBU.

If he's learned from it, grown and otherwise is a respectful and sensible husband then you need to get over it.

JuanSheetIsPlenty Sun 05-Apr-20 23:54:50

I think it is a funny year’s later story tbh.

LuluNamechangeForHelp Sun 05-Apr-20 23:56:22

Sorry if this is really nosy but where are you from that it is so hard to travel?!

I'd rather not say, but unless you're on an EU, Japanese, USA, Canadian or Australian passport it's often not a walk in the park.

If you are from outside the EU to visit an EU country you have to jump through a lot of hoops.

Yes, Daily Mail is right that many who are in desperate situations travel in the back of lorries lucky to get to your destination alive. But they also give the impression people can easily waltz in.

I know there's a pandemic but people are allowed to think about other things.

During WWII they didn't say, no more cartoons and crosswords in the paper. Serious thoughts only.

LuluNamechangeForHelp Sun 05-Apr-20 23:58:33

Have you told him that you don't think it's funny or endearing and that actually it just pisses you off every time he repeats it like it's a funny story?

It's not a happy marriage. He knows how I feel but I wonder if I am being unreasonable not to find it funny.

SarahAndQuack Sun 05-Apr-20 23:59:53

No, it's not funny. That would really annoy me (and I doubt you're the only one who's suddenly doing some reflecting on their relationship right now, given we're in lockdown!).

It's something you might have come to recycle as a funny story. I can understand how you might have ended up telling the story of how your idiot husband messed up your honeymoon.

But that's totally different from him making it a funny story! It isn't funny that way round. It's just him expecting you to muster a fake laugh each time he reminds you of it. I expect it makes him feel better to do that, but it's not his place to decide when it's passed from hurtful to potentially funny.

LuluNamechangeForHelp Mon 06-Apr-20 00:01:53

I'm not constantly thinking about it, but it has come up in conversation and I thought the hive mind could help.

get a grip. Let alone ‘right now’ when thousands of people are losing loved ones to this pandemic - it’s completely ridiculous to be mothering over this I know there's a pandemic but in fairness, people are still getting on with their lives and we can't just only ever think about and talk about covid or generally only be totally serious.

Flowersforpowers Mon 06-Apr-20 00:04:08

I get where you're coming from. I'm married to someone not British and it irritates the hell out of me when people are surprised that he's not British now, or when I say we've not been on holiday for years due to spending the best part of £10k on visas and related fees, etc. Immigration is such a huge topic in this country but people who aren't exposed to it themselves are inevitably vastly incorrect about how it all works.

Have you discussed it with him? The actual story isn't, I think, the issue. It's the fact that an incident you found very upsetting and damaged your memories of your wedding is to him a funny story. I think you'd be totally reasonable to want him to stop telling it.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring Mon 06-Apr-20 00:08:20

How long ago was this?

SarahAndQuack Mon 06-Apr-20 00:08:28

The actual story isn't, I think, the issue.

YY, I agree with this.

I think people are maybe being a little unkind in the replies. Often something that seems trivial can really nag at you when you are worried about bigger concerns that are less easy to isolate or discuss.

MyTwoPence Mon 06-Apr-20 00:09:56

I disagree with @SarahAndQuack, he's the one who screwed up (trying to do something nice btw,) and he's able to laugh at his own expense. It's not laughing at you.

It would be mean if you laughed at him when he was still sensitive about his mistake, but the mistake was all his. The fact that you have such a problem about this suggests to me that you don't really like/respect him all that much, and this story is a reminder of that.

You need to let go of this and address the real problem (s) between you.

LuluNamechangeForHelp Mon 06-Apr-20 00:12:12

When we have discussed it he's just said I'm being oversensitive.

MollyButton Mon 06-Apr-20 00:12:43

You need to think hard. Do you want your marriage to survive or not? Because if you do you need counselling and possibly couple counselling because it is pretty obvious that communication within your relationship is not great, and he doesn't listen to you. Which is both the underlying issue in why he made this mistake, and the reason why he can think its a funny anecdote when it is just like picking a scab to you everytime he tells it.
Unless you communicate better, and you may need a third party to help you - then this relationship is doomed.

SarahAndQuack Mon 06-Apr-20 00:12:54

But how is he laughing at it if he's telling the story where she can hear?

I absolutely agree with you that if he told this to a group of mates, it might be different.

But no, it would not be 'mean' for her to laugh at him for this! Blimey, if that's the worst the OP did she would be the most patient wife in the world.

She has already said she was nice to him and told him it was just a mistake.

She should not have to listen to him pretending it makes him seem cute and funny.

theoriginalmadambee Mon 06-Apr-20 00:15:57

Whenever he tells that story, you could comment 'well I married a moron, and he still proves it by telling it over and over'.

But seriously if you are not happy, why keep going over this incident. Make up your mind and do something about it.

SarahAndQuack Mon 06-Apr-20 00:17:36

I think 'oversensitive' is an interesting choice of word.

You actually lost a significant amount of money as a couple, if I understand you rightly?

Plus it must have been a stressful situation.

I think it's very understandable why he would like this episode to have become part of the family mythology, another funny story about the daft things you've both done. But it's not up to him. If the memory still hurts for you, it hurts.

Out of interest, how do you think he would react if you lost a similar amount of money in a similar context (that is, when he was the one who knew what should be done, and he'd told you what could be done, and you'd ignored it)?

Have you ever lost that sort of money?

LuluNamechangeForHelp Mon 06-Apr-20 00:19:14

pp - it was many years ago.
I don't sit up thinking about it daily. It's just like someone here said. Picking at a scab when he brings it up as a light-hearted topic.

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