To be upset with my husband and his friend

[Pumpkin108]

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

[CodenameVillanelle]

Who is this horrible woman? Why is your husband engaging in this horrible chat? So much wrong with this

[Bluntness100]

That’s a bit odd, is there a back story? Is she jealous either of the pregnancy or your marriage?

[Jammydodger1981]

I’d be so hurt in your shoes, OP. Did you confront him?

That sounds like an awful amount of jealousy coming from her and the fact that your husband said nothing would make me really suspicious that something was going on between them.

[onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad]

What a vile woman. Have you challenged him about it?

[Pumpkin108]

I can't confront him bc he'll accuse me of snooping... I checked his phone and they exchange messages a lot... Mainly about work but yeah they're always speaking. She's engaged and was meant to be getting married this monrh but been cancelled because of CV... I don't know why she would be jealous.
I just feel upset he wouldn't have told her to stop. I jsut found everything she said crude and hurtful as if pregnancy is shameful and disgusting

[BuffaloCauliflower]

Sod him accusing you of snooping. Nothing to hide, nothing to fear. She’s a nasty cow but him engaging in that at all is hugely upsetting and disloyal. He should be defending you immediately. Why has he even told a random work friend you’re pregnant so early as well, did you agree to this? Absolutely confront him

[Pumpkin108]

Also her comments have really thrown me and made me feel nothing but dread for my pregnancy and birth :(

[PlanDeRaccordement]

I agree you can’t really confront him because then you’d have to admit to snooping. This is something I’d file away for later when an opportunity arises to distance her from your husband and then cut her from your lives.
It’s sad your husband didn’t stand up for you. But he might still have been uncomfortable and not knowing what to say so chose to take her rude comments as “jokes” and so send only an emoji. I think she is really horrible and a bad influence.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

Pay her comments no mind. She is the last person you should listen to about pregnancy and childbirth. You will be ok.

[StillCoughingandLaughing]

More people than have actually voted have voted in agreement with you I think that says it all!

[PersonaNonGarter]

This is not a normal work relationship. But you know that.

Did you screen shot the message?

Your DH has to bring this to a close. She is speaking about you too personally and disrespectfully and he does not have your back.

[Pumpkin108]

@BuffaloCauliflower I don't know why he told her.. He didn't tell me he was going to. I was really surprised. I have told a couple of my closest friends but I have known them nearly 20 years which I think is slightly different...

But I know if I confront him it'll go into a huge argument with him accusing me of being worse than him for looking at his messages... Yes they were initially on his laptop but I've since checked his phone (only the ones between him and this woman) and I never usually look at his phone but just felt like I needed to in this case. I'm just upset that she's going to continue like this for the whole of my pregnancy :(

[PinkiOcelot]

OP you need to confront him otherwise this will eat away at you. You didn’t snoop anyway. He left his laptop open. I think any “snooping” you did anyway is contraindicated by this!
She sounds vile and you “D”H doesn’t sound much better.

[BessMarvin]

I'd be very annoyed if my husband didn't defend this instead of laughing.

Her motivation seems like she would want to appear attractive to your husband compared to you. She may not be after him but just be one of those women who needs to feel like everyone finds her the most attractive.

[Stroller15]

That is horrible, I would be really hurt by this, I'm sorry OP. If you can manage to not bring it up that's probably best, I know I would immediately confront dh if he did anything like this.

[LakieLady]

For him not to shut down her nasty comments is a massive bit of disloyalty imo.

I'd be absolutely fucking livid in your shoes, and if he was my "D" H, he'd be in no doubt about it.

It's really disrespectful, and hurtful. And he shouldn't be sharing personal, medical information with his colleagues, ffs.

[SebastienCrabSauce]

Woahhhh you have to say something!!!
Sounds like she’s buttering him up to try and start an affair.
Putting you down, putting a negative spin on what should be an incredibly happy and important time in your life, implying your body will be broken etc... seems to me that she’s trying to convince him that after pregnancy she will be the better option.

I would lose my shit over this. I would also be tempted to let her know you’ve seen the messages. If they’re sent over works emails or via a works mobile I’d also point out how inappropriate they are and most likely a sackable offence.

Also I would make it patently clear to my DH that if he has any communication with this person other than work related necessary emails/texts then I would be leaving.

Utterly disgusting behaviour

[EmmiJay]

Shes a bitch and so is your husband. He should have told her to pipe down not 'send laughing emojis'

[SebastienCrabSauce]

Her motivation seems like she would want to appear attractive to your husband compared to you

This in spades. He needs to cut this rot out of his life

[lmcneil003]

It was obviously a joke. You dont know the context.
stop snooping on your DH.

[Pumpkin108]

@PersonaNonGarter yep I have screenshots. I know... It's more like two friends having a laugh behind my back. But I know he will continue to update her about how things are going so I feel like she'll continue to say things

[LakieLady]

The things you read show that you were right to "snoop" imo.

He's behaved appallingly, and you deserve to know the sort of man you married: one who will not stand up for you or keep your confidences.

This would quite possibly be a deal-breaker for me.

[PersonaNonGarter]

@lmcneil003 Eh, what? Who would think it acceptable to be so personal about someone else’s spouse?

It is a clear breach of privacy and boundary testing where DH’s loyalties lie.

[FudgeBrownie2019]

The woman isn't your issue - she's an arsehole, certainly - your DH is your issue. First off he shouldn't be saying anything personal about you without your consent, let alone to a prick like that. And second the fact that he's not calling her out for her unkind comments is vile.

So now that you know he's an arsehole, and a disloyal arsehole, what do you want to do? This isn't about him or what he wants, so take him out of the equation. It's not about snooping - he'll throw that at you to try and shift the guilt from him to you. Fuck that - you have proof that he's an arsehole. Don't let him throw "snooping" at you as through it justifies his shitty behaviour. It doesn't. He's a shit and needs a fucking good bollocking.

How you move forward is your choice. But it would take a long long time for me to forgive DH if he spoke that way about me. The one thing I value above most (and the one thing I always say when people ask "what's your tip for a happy marriage") is that you should always be one another's biggest fan. He's not yours - are you happy with that?

[SuburbanFraggle]

I have never heard of a normal friendship where a woman badmouths the wife to the guy.