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I've genuinely lost all comprehension of who the fuck is being unreasonable.

(101 Posts)
DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou Sat 04-Apr-20 20:32:01

We are almost a month into self isolation. Just as self isolation ended, UK isolation started.
We have been doing ok mostly. Good considering all the illness, and that bollocks.

We have 3 kids. DH is working his nuts off in the house, making the most of time off work.
He has a nice lie in in the mornings.
This isn't my beef.

My beef is, I have to arrange to have time 'off'.
Where as he literally ups and leaves the room for bit 1-2 hours at a time and no one knows where fuck he is.

The kids say "where's dad"?

I've got no idea.

I know he's probably outside, in his car, smoking somewhere I.e not far. But he does this 2-3 times a day.

I've asked him many times just to give me a head up before he does - just as respect.
He listens doesn't reply, carries on doing it.

I'm not saying he has to ask permission.

Just that if we both upped and left the room the capacity that he does, the the kids are going to be left unattended all the time.

HotPenguin Sat 04-Apr-20 20:33:55

You are the "default carer", look it up on here there's lots of useful advice for dealing with this situation.

Quickquestion2020 Sat 04-Apr-20 20:36:15

Would it be petty to just start doing it before him? Go off for a long bath. Go to read in your room. Or would he just not notice you weren't there and still walk off and leave the kids?

Cohle Sat 04-Apr-20 20:38:34

Do the same thing. He'll soon realise it's a shitty way to behave.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou Sat 04-Apr-20 20:38:50

I can't.

I'm genuinely worried he wouldn't notice and leave after me. He's always done this.
I don't think he would do it to be an arsehole of I had left already, I think he would get up and leave absolutely oblivious.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou Sat 04-Apr-20 20:40:10

Do the same thing.

It's also a shitty thing to do to the kids. It's not really a game I want to start playing to be honest.

BalanchineBallet Sat 04-Apr-20 20:40:39

How old are your kids?

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou Sat 04-Apr-20 20:42:01

13, 8 and 1

But he's always done this. 1 year ago. 4 years ago. 6 years ago.

powershowerforanhour Sat 04-Apr-20 20:42:11

Lock the door, and take your time about answering.
And/or do a "formal" handover- "right, you're in charge of the kids till 10. Then I'll do till 1. Then you".

Thebookswereherfriends Sat 04-Apr-20 20:43:08

Every time he does it and the kids ask where he is take the children to him and then leave them with him and then disappear to the bathroom with a book. He will know you have left the area and if you do it every time he buggers off he might stop just buggering off.

PrincessPain Sat 04-Apr-20 20:43:17

My DH is great in most way, we have 2 boys, 11mo and 2yo.
He'll just get up and wander off, no mention. I'll find him fiddling with something in the garden an hour or 2 later.
We've spoken about it a few times, I've said he would hate it if I did something like that, just wandered off without mentioning where I'm going or what I'm doing, he said I'd never do anything like that.
No, I wouldn't, because its disrespectful and rude.
It's one of the few things we argue about, not sure if its every going to change. You have my sympathies.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Sat 04-Apr-20 20:43:33

How big is your house that this is a problem???

Dontunderestimateme Sat 04-Apr-20 20:43:49

This needs a serious conversation, where you point out to him that if you did the same it would all fall to pieces. If he doesn't see your point you have a massive problem.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou Sat 04-Apr-20 20:44:00


Are you married?
How the hell would things work this way.
That's ridiculous.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou Sat 04-Apr-20 20:46:18

Thank you for sympathising. And sorry that it's happens to you too.


Massive. But he also did it when we lived in a two bedroom flat. So is that an excuse? It isn't.

BalanchineBallet Sat 04-Apr-20 20:46:22

Surely only the 1 year old needs supervision? My six year old plays by herself whilst my husband and I do things. Obviously we play with her too, and interact with her very often, but I don’t think I’ve ever needed to tell my husband I am off to shower or whatever? Unless we leave the property of course.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou Sat 04-Apr-20 20:47:20

This needs a serious conversation, where you point out to him that if you did the same it would all fall to pieces

As I said in my OP I've spoken to him and he just ignores me and carries on...

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou Sat 04-Apr-20 20:48:00

Surely only the 1 year old needs supervision?


KillerofMen Sat 04-Apr-20 20:48:12

He's being unreasonable, but he probably doesn't know it.

However, do you really think he would leave a 1 year old unattended without checking where you were? That's genuinely negligent.

KitchenConfidential Sat 04-Apr-20 20:48:18

Are you married?
How the hell would things work this way.
That's ridiculous.

With all due respect, what’s ridiculous is that you’ve been putting up with this shit for what, 13 years and have had 3 kids with a man who just fucks off when he wants and doesn’t give you a break.
This has to come to a head in some way and powers suggestion really isn’t that crazy.

Dementedswan Sat 04-Apr-20 20:48:28

My dh is working from home, we are on week 3. Pulled the DCput of soon as he was wfh. Seems to be able to take hour long shits and as his office e is in the conservatory seems to be he spends a lot of time staying into space. Apparently he solving serious problems 🙄 yep its pissing me off as the sahm. Would it hurt him to cut his shot short to play with the dc for half an hour while I breathe, do lunch, make tea, have some head space?

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou Sat 04-Apr-20 20:49:53

However, do you really think he would leave a 1 year old unattended without checking where you were? That's genuinely negligent.

No. He would assume I was still in the bloody room.

That's the problem.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Sat 04-Apr-20 20:49:58

So if he's only going to be in one of, say, four places (house, garden, garage, car, for example) then if the kids ask where he is can't you just say "I don't know, go and look for him."?

Drogonssmile Sat 04-Apr-20 20:50:27

My DH has always done this and it REALLY pisses me off. We have talked about it but he still does it. He doesn't seem to get it. Watching with interest.

Stet Sat 04-Apr-20 20:51:48

I literally just had this discussion with my DH. He was a bit shamefaced about it when I pointed out that he just assumes I am looking after DD. He's generally very good and does do his share, including taking her every morning now he's working at home so I can have a lie in, but this is one thing that does irritate me! From speaking to my friends it's not uncommon, even with husbands who are in other ways very hands-on. It seems to just be a thought process thing, part of the mental load thing I guess.

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