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...to think that if your child is a bully then you’re a shit parent?

(238 Posts)
Calladia Wed 01-Apr-20 04:44:38

AIBU?

VashtaNerada Wed 01-Apr-20 04:49:43

Not necessarily. There are many reasons why children behave in this way. Context?

Monty27 Wed 01-Apr-20 05:00:09

No OP. Bullies usually have insecurities. Not always spawned so. Personally development is enriched in schools and in society too. Why?

Monty27 Wed 01-Apr-20 05:01:54

*personality

Calladia Wed 01-Apr-20 05:06:08

Well either you know your child is behaving spitefully and you're not able to stop it, or you know your child is behaving spitefully and you don't care enough or want to stop it. Or alternatively you don't know how your child is behaving because you don't know your child.

All three scenarios are to me examples of shit parenting.

Thepigeonsarecoming Wed 01-Apr-20 05:09:27

Or you’re going through a really shit relationship or have mental health issues? Maybe you don’t know your child is acting out. Maybe instead of judging you could ask

ukgift2016 Wed 01-Apr-20 05:13:07

YANBU.

Parents do play a big part.

ArriettyJones Wed 01-Apr-20 05:20:54

The most “spiteful” child I know is stuck in a horrendous shared care arrangement between his dad (previously domestically violent - hence the split - flaky, current relationship volatile, bit of a bully all round) and his mum, who is calm, lovely and seems to put a lot of energy into her children. Going back and forth between the two completely different households and two completely different qualities of parenting experience are clearly doing the child no good at all.

Thank the family court for that situation and all the damage it’s causing.

So, yeah, you’re generalising massively.

Monty27 Wed 01-Apr-20 05:21:25

Peer groups are often the cause too.
Bullying is often caused by bullies.

Calladia Wed 01-Apr-20 05:22:49

And whose mental health takes precedence here? The bully's or the victim's?

ArriettyJones Wed 01-Apr-20 05:23:46

Is there any particular reason you want to issue a batshit blanket generalisation on this subject?

(Plus want us all to agree with you?)

ArriettyJones Wed 01-Apr-20 05:25:04

And whose mental health takes precedence here? The bully's or the victim's?

Often a bully is also a victim.

Want to calm down and tell us what this is all about?

Calladia Wed 01-Apr-20 05:28:03

No I'm interested. That's why I put it in AIBU.

Regardless of the cause is it not a parental responsibility to manage? If not parents then who?

Admittedly the starting point here is an assumption that the aim of good parenting is to try and raise a decent human being. I appreciate that not everyone is agreed on that one though.

ArriettyJones Wed 01-Apr-20 05:31:12

Okay then.

YABU, and overly simplistic, and you lack compassion or imagination about the very many traumatic experiences that might adversely affect a child.

Labelling someone “a shit parent” has never helped a bullying situation anyway. So what’s the object of the exercise?

Florrieboo Wed 01-Apr-20 05:36:22

One of my 3 children is difficult. He has been mean to other children, he can be quite mean to me. My other two children and kind and empathetic and would hate to upset anyone.
Same parenting, and no I am not shit at it, simply doing my best everyday.

Coyoacan Wed 01-Apr-20 05:52:09

I'm sure there are lots of different causes of bullying, but how come there is more bullying in schools where the teachers bully?

ZebrasAreHorsesInPyjamas Wed 01-Apr-20 05:56:56

You can't just ask that question, it's pointless. The "cause" of every bully is different. Without context no-one can say whether YABU or not. It could be rubbish parenting, but there could be other, underlying reasons. For example:

Despite parents trying to access help, the child has undiagnosed issues such as autism or aspergers that means they are not coping well in the school environment and are lashing out = NOT shit parenting.

Little Jimmy or Susan is a spoilt child who is given everything they want at home and is allowed to do what they want so think they are entitled to push another child over and snatch their stuff = shit parenting.

A bit like Florieboo, but not mine, I know a lovely family of three kids, two are kind and sweet, the other could be a hideous, mean bully when she was younger. She is growing out of it now thank goodness but she was struggling with all sorts of things, including an in-built, terrible temper which until she began to learn to control it did make her quite awful!

RU562341 Wed 01-Apr-20 06:07:28

That might be true sometimes. Wasn't in my case. My parents were lovely. I had undiagnosed issues and other problems, which I took out on others. However, when my parents found out what a nasty little shit I had been, they took action right away.
Nothing excuses my actions, but it was not my parents fault. It was all on me.

feelinguseless101 Wed 01-Apr-20 06:09:25

It depends on whether the parents are aware.

If they are aware and aren't trying to support their child to stop the bullying, then that's not great parenting.

If they aren't aware then there isn't much they can do about it. Some kids are very Jeckyll and Hyde

RU562341 Wed 01-Apr-20 06:09:32

Regardless of the cause is it not a parental responsibility to manage? If not parents then who?
I think this is the crux of it- what do the parents do when they find out their child is a bully? If they laugh it off or ignore it= shit parenting. If they take immediate action to deal with it= not shit parenting.

Mummyoflittledragon Wed 01-Apr-20 06:13:11

What about children, whose parents are bereaved, have learning difficulties or are disabled, perhaps overcoming major surgery / illness or chronically ill? Or those caring for siblings or parents? There are a whole range of things, which can be going on in people’s lives, which makes it difficult to see what their child is up to. Does ther also make them shit parents?

ZebrasAreHorsesInPyjamas Wed 01-Apr-20 06:27:50

I think the OP might have posted (under a different name) a similarly obtuse question previously, I think I recognise the style. The thread was pulled but I think it was another AIBU about child issues, possibly educational but without enough context to offer a proper opinion. All requests for clarification were avoided. I might be wrong though... confused

Calladia Wed 01-Apr-20 06:31:51

ZebrasAreHorsesInPyjamas I have namechanged yes but never had a thread pulled and not posted in AIBU about it before.

iwanttoshakesomeppl Wed 01-Apr-20 06:33:37

It's worse when a parent denies their child is a bully and won't accept it even though a million parents have complained about said child. No parent wants to be told their child is a bully.

Mummyoflittledragon Wed 01-Apr-20 06:35:58

Are you going to engage further? You’ve only offered some sketchy, simplistic arguments.

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