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to expect my DH to tone it down in lockdown?

(143 Posts)
notsuremate Tue 31-Mar-20 22:57:35

He’s on a short fuse with the kids. Bellowing up the stairs about things being left on the floor and other ridiculous things. They are primary aged and messy but he’s on their backs constantly. It’s like being in an army regiment. This whole thing is shitty enough without not knowing when the next shout is going to happen. It’s making me bloody miserable and the kids are stressed enough! Who cares if a pair of trainers have been left at the bottom of the stairs. The worlds going to shit, I just want happy kids. Is anybody else dealing with this? Then I see that video of the dad singing with his family on this morning and it makes me want to cry! Why can’t I have that. A funny, interesting, sense of humour companion through all of this. Not a bloody army major who expects the kids to obey and behave constantly!

n00bMaster69 Tue 31-Mar-20 23:04:10

What do you say to him about it? You can't let your children be shouted at all the time, that's awful for them.

FlapAttack23 Tue 31-Mar-20 23:04:59

Ah yes I had that, thank god we divorced before all this started and he moved over seas 😂 we thrive in mess and chaos now! Get a summer house shed thing and lock him
In that

Macncheeseballs Tue 31-Mar-20 23:08:52

I agree all you can do is try and shield your kids from it and be the nice one so they're not completely traumatised - (oh and also tell your dh to shove the trainers up his arse)

endofthelinefinally Tue 31-Mar-20 23:09:10

It is very damaging for children to be shouted at constantly. Has he always been like this?
It must be so stressful.

Corna Tue 31-Mar-20 23:09:32

I don't have much good advice. My dh is a bit like this too and I feel for you and your kids. I know what you mean about seeing other happier families and not knowing why I can't have that for me and my children. My only solution was to start working on my own interests and developing my own life and skills, and spending more time with my daughter without him. Not ideal I know.
Is he like this most of the time? Can you talk to him about this or will he shut that down? Can you afford to leave if this doesn't get better?

notsuremate Tue 31-Mar-20 23:14:19

Well I can’t leave right now because my kids are so traumatised by all of the Coronavirus stuff that they’re awake most of the night. I can’t uproot them with nowhere to go and no clear plan. He has always been a bit like this. Always right, expects perfect behaviour etc but it’s been manageable due to me mitigating and facilitating outside interests so we don’t spend much time at home with him. Family holidays are rare due to this behaviour as his lack of patience and sharp tongue always increase in those sort of situations. Right now though we have no escape from it do we? If I challenge it then it results in worse moods and silent treatment. He can’t be challenged because he’s always got an answer, always perfect and always right.

Icanflyhigh Tue 31-Mar-20 23:15:38

I can be a bit shouty with the kids at times, and I am making a conscious effort not to, this is horrible enough for them without me bollocking them every two minutes. As you say, a bit of mess won't hurt - they're not wrecking the house.

Sounds like he needs to learn to chill while he still has a family to chill out with.

LagunaBubbles Tue 31-Mar-20 23:15:54

Why can’t I have that

Because you've chosen a bit of a dick to be the father of your kids and stay in a relationship with. The signs must have been there before the lockdown? The more your kids are exposed to this the more emotional damage they will have as they grow up.

notsuremate Tue 31-Mar-20 23:16:00

I’m sick of me and the kids not being able to just be ourselves and chill out. I’m just wondered if anybody else had a partner like this and if they’d found any strategies that work

Nanny0gg Tue 31-Mar-20 23:17:07

Well he's not going to tone it down is he?

All you can do is run interference, and make plans for when this is over.

notsuremate Tue 31-Mar-20 23:18:40

@LagunaBubbles everybody always says that but I disagree. So I leave him to mitigate “emotional damage” from the way he speaks to them? What then? They then spend 50% of their lives with him alone, without me there to act as a barrier. Whichever way I’m right royally screwed. Before kids he wasn’t like this. He’s got worse with age

endofthelinefinally Tue 31-Mar-20 23:20:01

Start getting your ducks in a row.
All documents, birth certificates, marriage cert, passports, payslips, bank statements, mortgage/ home ownership docs, life insurance.
Maybe under the guise of tidying up.
Keep your head down for now and see a solicitor when this is over.
Post in relationships for excellent advice.
Your dc don't deserve to live like this.

notsuremate Tue 31-Mar-20 23:20:41

@FlapAttack23 god you’re so lucky. That’s better than winning the lottery!

PippaPegg Tue 31-Mar-20 23:21:27

How about this

Him: bellows about something
You: STOP FUCKING SHOUTING

Or whatever
But bellow right back at him. Like full volume shouting. Not screeching. Deep and scary. 0 to 100. Might give him a physiological kick up his idiotic arse.

Antipodeancousin Tue 31-Mar-20 23:24:05

Tbh he doesn’t sound like the sort of man who would actually be having the kids 50% of the time if you were to split up. Even if it was EOW the kids will get old enough soon to vote with their feet and stay away.

Lifeinthedeep Tue 31-Mar-20 23:24:08

Don’t listen to the criticism right now, op. There’s not much you can do in this moment while we’re in lockdown so don’t beat yourself up. Besides, lockdown is so intense it highlights all the issues we’ve been shoving under the carpet. It’s not your fault- it’s his. The house will become an absolute cesspit during the day, the only hope is to clean when they’re in bed.

Freddiefox Tue 31-Mar-20 23:25:00

He’s not going to change, they never do, protect the children for the next couple of weeks. Then we are out of this, kick him to the curb and divorce him

MrTumblesSpottyHag Tue 31-Mar-20 23:26:50

Mine gets a bit snappy with the kids very occasionally when he's stressed or hungry but he backs off and apologises when I tell him to stop being an arsehole. I pull him up in front of the kids so they know it's not ok to be spoken to like that's. DH doesn't like it but tough shit.

MrTumblesSpottyHag Tue 31-Mar-20 23:27:47

To be clear I don't call him an arsehole in front of them!

Yester Tue 31-Mar-20 23:28:17

Sadly will be for a few month's. Any chance he can move out?

Antipodeancousin Tue 31-Mar-20 23:29:12

I don’t think there are really any strategies to cope with this sort of behaviour long term. He feels entitled to shout at and bully his family because they don’t adhere to his requirements. It is on him to change, not you.
Do you think he resents the kids? Or is he just very rigid so the chaos of children does not suit him?

JKScot4 Tue 31-Mar-20 23:30:22

Why are your young kids up through the night worrying? Most kids are oblivious and getting on with it.
Sounds like your arse of a man is maki g them nervous wrecks.

Justtryingtobehelpful Tue 31-Mar-20 23:30:56

You've married Mr Drill Sergant

Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons Tue 31-Mar-20 23:31:19

That sounds awful for all of you sad
Can you make sure you take the kids out for a walk with you & he goes by himself? That would give you a chunk of time apart. Actually send him for a run/cycle maybe he can work off his stress a bit.

Have you spoken to him about how he is damaging/frightening your children?
My DH occasionally roared something- he’s kind & gentle & simply didn’t understand that he was frightening when he did that (bigger, stronger, louder, deeper etc). To him he was just venting.

Ultimately there is no excusing it he is making you all frightened in your own home. The freedom program might be helpful to you flowers

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