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To not want to risk my family’s health because my BIL can’t be bothered to be a father?

(103 Posts)
TheNightKing Mon 30-Mar-20 07:30:59

My DH’s brother is split from his wife after he had an affair when she was 8 weeks pregnant with a baby they had tried a long time for. They have a 5 year old and the baby is now almost six months.
With all the supermarket rules (no children) and also my ex-SIL not wanting to risk her DC’s health, she was asking if I would sit with them whilst she went shopping. At first I agreed and then worried about the possibility that I may have CV without knowing it and pass it on to the kids. So I offered to go to the supermarket for her. She will need food in the next 2-3 days.
Since I’ve offered I have started to feel really anxious about CV. Of course I want to help my ex-SIL and my niece & nephew but I have three children of my own and with no need to go to the shops myself, I am starting to really resent BIL for not being a father and literally putting food on his kids table. I asked DH to say something to his brother but he said there is no point because he won’t change his behaviour.
Would I be unreasonable to tell BIL how I feel?

TheNightKing Mon 30-Mar-20 07:33:24

To add, ex-SIL parents are “vulnerable” and cannot go to the shops for her. She has no friendly neighbours or other family nearby that she could ask.

SnuggyBuggy Mon 30-Mar-20 07:34:19

I'd say YANBU but I wouldn't expect it to make him change his shitty behaviour

somegoodnewsforonce Mon 30-Mar-20 07:35:48

I doubt he'll change his behaviour.

Can I ask which shops aren't allowing single parents to bring their children? I thought that was just rumours and what shops want to stop is the entire household coming into the shop (eg 2 adults plus the kids).

legalseagull Mon 30-Mar-20 07:36:12

I'd tell BIL straight away! Maybe he's just not thinking (or maybe he's a complete dick). Either way he needs to be told to care for his kids

TheNightKing Mon 30-Mar-20 07:38:15

@somegoodnewsforonce Tesco for sure. Sainsburys are allowing kids at the moment. Not sure about others.

BananaPlant Mon 30-Mar-20 07:39:59

Yanbu, I would say something, although it may not change anything. Also is there a reason DH can’t go to the shops instead of leaving it to you?

Has your SIL looked at local fb groups and local shops for deliveries? Some grocers and butchers are delivering food boxes.

Helmetbymidnight Mon 30-Mar-20 07:40:29

well, yes, dh should say something to his arsehole brother.
i think you'll still have to do the shopping though. flowers

LittleLittleLittle Mon 30-Mar-20 07:41:14

There is no point telling your BIL how you feel. He won't care as he was the one cheated on.

However you can tell your BIL that as he still has parental responsibility for his kids they need food and he should put shopping on his kids doorstep in the next two days. Give him a list of food suitable for a 5 year old and 6 month old to eat.

somegoodnewsforonce Mon 30-Mar-20 07:41:23

There's nothing on Tesco's website about it. I wonder if it's just a local thing.

ButteryPuffin Mon 30-Mar-20 07:43:32

No, he cheated. I read it that way too initially because of the next part of the sentence but it's 'he' at the start.

TheNightKing Mon 30-Mar-20 07:43:38

@somegoodnewsforonce possibly local.

TheNightKing Mon 30-Mar-20 07:44:57

@LittleLittleLittle BIL was the one who had the affair.

TheNightKing Mon 30-Mar-20 07:46:25

@BananaPlant DH has said he will go to the shops as I’m feeling worried about it but the risk to myself and my family is there either way.

Ploppymoodypants Mon 30-Mar-20 07:46:25

Our local Aldi and Spar won’t let children in and adults have to be alone. It’s very hard on single parents of small children, who are probably already feeling very isolated. But I can understand why.

Dyrne Mon 30-Mar-20 07:46:28

Are you absolutely sure the supermarkets are turning single mums with children away? As PP have said, there’s so much bollocks on social media at the moment and it turns out to be that they rocked up with both adults and children; or they let their children run screaming round the shop.

Boulshired Mon 30-Mar-20 07:46:38

I wouldn’t be able to forgive a family member if he was behaving like your BIL no matter what the past history and I would have no problem telling them.

Ilovenutellaaaaa Mon 30-Mar-20 07:47:19

Can't you just tell sis in we to order her stuff online...or if you really can't say no then aybe you order it on line for her to be delivered to her house

If you do go for shopping then just leave her groceries on her doorstep, call her and say they are outside....

If she is giving you money to use ask her to ass it through the letterbox to you in an envelope (wear gloves)..that's what people where I live are doing if helping the vulnerable

Medievalist Mon 30-Mar-20 07:50:42

Order it online??!!!!

countrygirl99 Mon 30-Mar-20 07:52:41

LOL "just tell her to order on line". I've been trying to get e slot gorc2 weeks

LittleLittleLittle Mon 30-Mar-20 07:54:00

@TheNightKing thanks I got it the wrong way round. However he still won't care as he will blame SIL for the reason he cheated. Some people just have to be the victim....

@Ilovenutellaaaaa online delivery slots are now only available after Easter IF you can get one.

zafferana Mon 30-Mar-20 07:56:23

Why the fuck can't your BIL go shopping for food for his family? He cheated - okay - but is he incapable of food shopping? No. He should go and you should be left out of it.

TheNightKing Mon 30-Mar-20 07:59:44

@Ilovenutellaaaaa getting an online shop is pretty much impossible. I was awake at 2:30am as DC1 had had a nightmare - all the new slots released at midnight had already been booked at Tesco. Sainsburys only allow vulnerable customers to book slots.

PotholeParadise Mon 30-Mar-20 08:00:20

You and your husband need to tell your BIL that you find it despicable that he isn't making sure his children are fed.

There are a lot of useless NRP who would shape up a bit if they faced proper social consequences, like disapproval from their own siblings and parents.

SmileyClare Mon 30-Mar-20 08:05:50

Your Bil sounds like an arse but I don't think you should be overly panicky about doing a supermarket shop.
You will need supplies for your own family soon (?) so why not get those while you're there too? You will have to shop eventually, unless you have a stockpile mountain!

The supermarkets are well organised; queuing outside 2 m apart, trolley wiped down and hands anti bac'ed before entry and very limited number in shop so easy to distance.

It won't help if you start to develop an irrational phobia of going out to get food. I think you should help sil if you can. smile

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