AIBU to want DH to take the baby just because?

[Secretlifeofme]

Sorry if the title is unclear. We have a lovely five month old DD who is EBF. I don't know if I'm being a bit unreasonable here, because DH is generally great, cooks, does the dishes, unpacks and puts away shopping, just generally mucks in with everything around the house. But he will only ever take DD.in order for me to do something (have a shower, get dressed, do some work, etc). At all other times I seem to be the default parent.

I feel bad complaining, because often he leaves me looking after DD while he does housework. But sometimes I would just like him to take her, not so I can do anything particular but just because I would like a break, or because he wants to spend time with her! Does anyone get what I mean? AIBU to feel this way or should I suck it up given that he does lots of other stuff around the house instead?

[Sexnotgender]

YANBU, babies are exhausting.

[WorraLiberty]

What has he said about it?

[TokenGinger]

YANBU. DP is the same. It's exhausting.

[Secretlifeofme]

@WorraLiberty I haven't raised it with him in so many words. Sometimes I just say 'can you take the baby for a while' and give her to him, but I guess I haven't ever said how I feel like I have in this thread

[Secretlifeofme]

@TokenGinger really? Have you said anything to him about it?

[topcat2014]

Sounds stupid, but does he know he can? Or is he assuming he needs you to let him.

[WorraLiberty]

You're married and a team. Just mention it to him.

[Secretlifeofme]

@topcat2014 hmm I think he does... He is a pretty confident guy and is confident with DD as well.

[Settlersofcatan]

I have had similar issues with my second.

Something that I have found helps is just not accepting it. So when I come back from having a shower, even if he is trying just automatically to pass the baby back to me, I just ignore it. Similarly if the baby is playing on his own and then starts fussing, I try sometimes just to wait for my husband to take him. It hasn't fixed the issue totally but it has helped

[Deanetta]

I agree with you. I am kind of the opposite of your position. My baby is 4 months old but I went back to work after 6 weeks and my husband looks after her. We make sure that each week I have regular periods where I look after her and he goes and does his own thing.. whether that be something fun or nothing at all. I think the responsibility of constantly being ‘in charge’ of the baby can be draining and I’m sure it’s good to be able to mentally switch off.

Maybe you can suggest specific times where he’s in charge? So you don’t need to justify why.. just.. 10am to 12pm on Saturday? You are in charge!

[Secretlifeofme]

@Settlersofcatan that's a good idea, I might try that!
@Deanetta the problem is that she is breastfeeding on demand, and I don't really want to be pumping milk just so that he can look after her. She feeds a lot as it is, and I find pumping a bit difficult.

[Emmas85]

I mean this in the nicest way but why does someone need to 'take the baby' why can't you lay baby down for tummy time or use a bouncer or similar. Let the baby entertain itself for a short space of time. Babies do not need holding all the time.

[Deanetta]

You don’t have to physically disappear, just relinquish responsibility.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Doesn’t he want a relationship with his baby?

I ebf and DD still feeds a lot at over a year but DH has always spent as much time with her as he could, they have things that they do together like having a shower, playing with particular toys, songs, silly games, getting her up, dressed, breakfast while I have a lie in. She’s his child as much as mine. He wants to know her as a person.

Pumping is a massive ball ache. Don’t do it unless you have to or want to. Breastfeeding is literally the only thing a dad can’t do, no excuses for not having a full meaningful relationship with a bf baby.

[babydungarees]

Same here! I feel bad complaining when he does cook & clean, but sometimes you just need a break from being constantly on. I just don’t think people understand how exhausting babies are until they’re left to be primary carer for any length of time.

[TheAugusta]

I have a 4 month old ebf dd. As soon as my husband’s work is done he takes her for cuddles and playtime so he can spend time with her and so I don’t go mad! If we’re both free we split jobs as pottering in the kitchen with a podcast feels like a relaxing break at the moment - YANBU at all. I appreciate even moving about without managing the logistics where to put or how to hold the baby!

[Pentium85]

Communication needs to be at its absolute best when you have a baby.

My partner and I, even now DS is 18 months, have a rule where each person gets 30 mins each day to do whatever the fuck they please without baby. Be this watching TV in piece, scrolling Mumsnet, a wall etc and it works great.

Also, be explicitly clear in what you need and want. Simply say "I'm not ready to take the baby yet, can I have another 15 mins"

Sometimes in the newborn baby stage our brains turn into a fog, and we need things in clear and simple language.

[Daffie19]

Hi,
My DS was ebf until 14 months.
My DH was the same, I used to be Default parent, he didn't really have a clue what he was doing with DS.
He would and to some degree still does (ds 18 months) Potter round the house, hoovering, tidying, dishes...
instead of seeing to/play with DS.


Does DH want to help out?
Could he start with taking baby out in pram for an hour to Give you a break.

I had to start small, getting him to go for a walk, or a bath, then I used to feed and just pop to the shops even when I didn't actually need anything!

now DS actually settles and sleeps better at bedtime for DS, and DH is main parent as I do 3 8-6 shifts a week, and he's not working.

Defo start small and increase time they spend together.
Hope it works out!
You arent being unreasonable. A baby plus ebf is exhausting!

[0lapislazuli]

Just hand her over to him. Thanks what I do. No asking if he could take her, he’s her parent!

[HeyDuggeewatchadoin]

"You know that you can play with baby any time you like, you don't have to wait for me to be out of the room!"
Yanbu. Men say they don't want us watching as we criticise. The truth is they see it as Mum's job.

[MimiSunshine]

Just pass her over and say “here you go, sit with daddy for a bit”. Then get a cup of tea and lie on the sofa.
The more you do it, the more natural it’ll become

[Secretlifeofme]

Some great ideas here, thanks folks! Please keep them coming

[glueandstick]

At 5 I’m still the default parent. And cook, cleaner, organiser, DIY person. It’s just how it is.

[Secretlifeofme]

@Emmas85 she is quite a clingy baby, but anyway I don't necessarily mean physically taking her as such, just being 'the person who is looking after DD' IYSWIM

[TokenGinger]

@Secretlifeofme I have said some things but it doesn't sink in. To be honest, I think this is part of a bigger issue. Since we've had the baby, I've felt like my entire life has changed. He's 9 months now. I never leave home without him. I always have him. DP does a night feed only when I'm at breaking point through lack of sleep. His life has not changed at all. Comes and goes as he pleases. Takes overtime with no consideration for us. It's just expected that I'm at home with DS.

I've been very close to walking a few times now. It's very hard!