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In thinking that my ex and his partner are being extremely awkward during COVID 19?

(190 Posts)
Newyorkcitybaby Sat 28-Mar-20 21:26:03

Generally get on with my ex and his partner. We’ve been split for around 7 years and share DD age 8 together. Both moved on, he and his partner have a son together and me and my partner have a daughter as well. All very amicable, until tonight. We’ve had a huge disagreement.

They normally have DD every weekend during term time (not my choice but ex works away during the week so it’s the only time he gets to see her) and then every other week during the holidays. DD has been at their house for over a week now and was suppose to be coming back home today. I didn’t get to spend Mother’s Day with her (which was crap) but I reluctantly agreed to it as I thought that she’d be home today.

I spoke to his partner last night and she asked me if they could keep her for the foreseeable future, until all this blows over. I voiced my concerns and explained that wouldn’t really work for us as it could mean we might not see DD for months (god knows how long this will go on for). She said that was fine and that she’d leave it up to me and my ex to discuss as it wasn’t really her place to say anything (not sure why she mentioned it in the first place then?). Fast forward to today and I’ve received a text from my ex basically saying the same thing, which leads me to believe it’s his partner using his phone. The tone of the message also comes across quite aggressive/rude which isn’t really like him either. He’s normally a very laid back person as where she tends to be quite abrupt.

They’ve again asked if they can keep DD for the foreseeable future until COVID-19 is over and there argument is based on the fact that I work in a nursing home 2 days a week. I’ve tried to reassure them that we all wear PPE and disinfect the place 24/7, it is absolutely spotless. The residents are also not allowed visitors in at the moment and it has been that way since all this began. I’ve also explained that there is probably more of a chance of them contracting the virus from going to the supermarket/out on a walk as a family but they just won’t accept it. Anyone can catch the virus, just because I work in a home doesn’t necessarily mean I will catch the virus. I absolutely take this seriously (as does the rest of my family - we have been washing hands thoroughly, staying at home unless going to work) but IMO his partner has gone absolutely OTT, she is definitely one of the panic buyers that you see in the shops.

I’ve tried to compromise and have even suggested that they have her for two weeks, we have her for two weeks and so on, in order to minimise the going “back and fourth”. Ex has now replied stating that they will keep her for another two weeks (even though they have had her for a week already) meaning I won’t get to see my daughter for 3 weeks. I asked them how would they feel if they couldn’t see DD for over a month and they haven’t responded. My youngest DD misses her big sister too so it would be nice for them to spend some time together. I’m not normally one to argue and I absolutely hate confrontation. I tend to just let them have their way as it makes for an easier life, plus I want DD to have a good relationship with her dad, but AIBU in thinking that their being bloody awkward and just want it “their” way?

(I know I have every right to go and pick my daughter up but I would rather it not get to that stage). I am trying to come up with a solution that works for both of us but also keeps DD safe.

What do you guys think?

AllForAnEasyLife Sat 28-Mar-20 21:32:10

I can see both sides however he has no right to tell you that dd is not coming home to you

Newyorkcitybaby Sat 28-Mar-20 21:38:53

Thanks for your reply @AllForAnEasyLife. I absolutely understand their worries and that's why I've tried to reassure them about my job. I am just frustrated that they think they can just decide how long DD stays with them, like I don't get a say in the matter.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal Sat 28-Mar-20 21:40:03

Go and pick her up.

Andromeida59 Sat 28-Mar-20 21:42:02

I wonder if they'll try to claim extra benefits by her being there?

RandomMess Sat 28-Mar-20 21:42:56

I would actually state that you will go to court if they don't return her/release her to you. If they then want to suspend contact to reduce contamination risk you understand and they can let you know when they are ready to resume contact.


Newyorkcitybaby Sat 28-Mar-20 21:51:28

I have no idea @Andromeida59 - I currently receive all benefits for DD as I'm classed as the main carer. I thought only one parent could claim the benefits for a child?. Fortunately for us we're classed as key workers (I'm a carer and my partner is a supermarket supervisor) so our jobs are safe, as where both my ex and his partner have been laid off for now (Ex in construction and his partner a cleaner).

Harpingon Sat 28-Mar-20 21:52:35

another vote for go and pick her up tomorrow.

Newyorkcitybaby Sat 28-Mar-20 21:52:35

DD has always known us to get along and not have arguments so I'm extremely cautious of rocking the boat. I don't want her to know that there is problems between us.

Sindragosan Sat 28-Mar-20 21:55:20

If your DD stays with them long term they could claim resident parent and all benefits. With both of them laid off they may be desperate for money. Not right to spring this on you or your DD.

Go pick her up and deal with any fall out after.

Newyorkcitybaby Sat 28-Mar-20 21:56:06

I have said I'm happy for them to keep her for another week (they've then had her for two weeks) but ideally I don't want to go 3 weeks without seeing her. I asked how they would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and ex has just responded to say that they wouldn't care as long as DD was safe, it's their main priority apparently and they will go without seeing her if it means she doesn't catch the virus (earlier they've were afraid I would have the virus hmm). I want to call them bluff by picking her up and keeping her with me for a month and see what their response is then.

Cheesepleas3 Sat 28-Mar-20 21:56:56

Your ex has no obligation to hand her over when you get there so I think you're being sensible in that turning up and expecting to take her back to your house probably isn't the best option. My best suggestion would just be try talk it out more with her father, easier said than done I know. flowers

Jimdandy Sat 28-Mar-20 21:58:40

If you go and try and pick her up it could get nasty.

Do you both have PR? Is there a court order in place?

If not they have as much right to keep her as you do, the only way to get her back would be by emergency court order, which judging by these times will be extremely hard to organise.

I don’t agree with them btw I think they’re being unreasonable. I’d have been super upset not see my mum at her age.

They’re being unreasonable. Can you talk to your ex direct without her in his ear?

agonyauntie2020 Sat 28-Mar-20 22:02:50

This would really, really upset me. I would go and pick her up as arranged and planned.

Windyatthebeach Sat 28-Mar-20 22:05:05

Please speak to the organ grinder not the monkey.
Bet she is trying to stop his Cms...

Newyorkcitybaby Sat 28-Mar-20 22:07:12

Exactly @Jimdandy, I really don't want to go there and cause a scene as I know it will upset DD.

No court order in place as there was just never any need to get one. We've always tried to get on for the sake of DD, until now.

I am more than happy to compromise and go longer periods of time (as hard it will be) without seeing her in order to minimise the going back and fourth, but a month is just absolutely mental IMO. I think the problem is that normally I just agree to whatever their request is to keep the peace, but now that I have actually said "no sorry, that doesn't work for us", they've had a shock.

GameSetMatch Sat 28-Mar-20 22:08:59

Go and get her now, why would you suggest another week? I’d be distraught if I didn’t see my kids for two weeks. Go and pick her up

Newyorkcitybaby Sat 28-Mar-20 22:09:54

Ex doesn't pay maintenance. It was agreed that since he has DD so often and pays for all her dance lessons and activities that he wouldn't need to give me any money.

When DD wanted to start these activities, I had to say no as we as a family just couldn't afford it (it is so bloody expensive) but ex offered to pay it on the condition he wouldn't need to pay maintenance.

Maladymaker Sat 28-Mar-20 22:11:48

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I would call tell them I'm contacting the police / courts etc.
Then I would go and get her.

GrumpyHoonMain Sat 28-Mar-20 22:12:13

Get legal advice. Sounds like kidnapping to me.

CeriseClementine Sat 28-Mar-20 22:13:54

The time for reassurance and compromise is over. They're refusing you access to your own daughter.

I'd be sending a message saying i'll be collecting her X as planned and that if this was a problem you'd be seeking an emergency order to return her. Also that if that was necessary, future contact may have to be supervised and court ordered to ensure failure to return her doesn't happen again.

OoohTheStatsDontLie Sat 28-Mar-20 22:15:20

Just in case they are being genuine in being worried for her health, I would first go through the steps you take when you get home to disinfect anything, and assure them you would contact them to pick her up at the first sign of any symptoms.

If that doesnt work I would tell them that she has a right to see both parents and the damage to her mental health from suddenly withdrawing contact from one against all government advice so far, massively outweighs any benefit to her health which (if she is otherwise healthy) is unlikely to be affected by covid19 much anyway. It's not like you're a nurse in hospital dealing with Corona patients directly.

iolaus Sat 28-Mar-20 22:17:21

So as well as you being a carer, your partner works in a public facing role too (in the same place you think your ex's partner may pick up the virus)

I can see both sides - they are probably concerned with both of their children, just as you are concerned with both of yours

Wallywobbles Sat 28-Mar-20 22:25:04

Just go and get her if you can reasonably look after her without putting her at risk. My DSC like routine above all. They'd not be keen on this as they're 11&14.

We are 15 days (France) into lock down in both houses and still swopping weekly with our 50/50 agreement.

Newyorkcitybaby Sat 28-Mar-20 22:25:06

I understand that their worried about the kids @iolaus, we all are but I don't believe that me and my partner are more likely to catch the virus just because of our jobs. They still go out to the supermarkets and have even gone on walks the last couple of days (which I know is allowed) but they could still come into contact with someone who has the virus or touch something that could result in them contracting it. No one is exempt from coronavirus unfortunately.

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