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To not tell sister her ex sexually assaulted me?

(25 Posts)
whatamess101 Wed 25-Mar-20 15:12:15

This happened a long time ago, about 20 years ago. They'd been in a relationship about 4 years. We we're in a club and he trapped me in a corridor near the toilets and sexually assaulted me. I don't know what would have happened if someone hadn't heard me shout stop and come around to check if everything was ok.

At the time my sister was an alcoholic and very mentally fragile. I worried about her a lot. I was very young and I didn't know what to do. But rightly or wrongly, I never told her or anyone else what happened that night. Thankfully they split up shortly afterwards and he ended up doing a stint in prison when they lost touch.

Now 20 years on and they've become friends again. My sister has been dry about 8 years and is married with kids and a much more together person. She keeps saying how great he is, that she's so glad their friends again. I really don't think she'd cheat on her husband she's not the type and she's loves him a lot. But she's is getting closer and closer to this awful man and it kills me when she tells me what a wonderful person he is.

Should I tell her? If I do I know she will be devastated that I never told her, I think she'd fall apart too. She's very protective of me. If I don't, then I'm hiding something really important from her. But it happened so long ago, maybe I should just let it go.

I just don't know what to do.

Merryoldgoat Wed 25-Mar-20 15:16:01

I would want to know if my sister was sexually assaulted and I’d REALLY want to know if it was an ex, especially if I was still friendly with them.

Merename Wed 25-Mar-20 15:16:13

This is obviously a very painful situation and easy to say what you should do on the outside, but you should absolutely tell her if you feel able to. People who perpetrate sexual violence like this have a tendency to continue over many years. Your sister may react better than you think. flowers

NoMorePoliticsPlease Wed 25-Mar-20 15:17:19

Maybe some counselling to help you decide

MzHz Wed 25-Mar-20 15:17:32

I actually think I would tell her yes, he’s sneaking into her life and you are worried for her.

I think if my sister didn’t tell me about something like this happening to her because of any relationship I had, I’d be very upset for her and sad that she’s not told me.

You need to do this gently, but I think you should do it.

amusedbush Wed 25-Mar-20 15:17:40

I would absolutely tell her seeing as they are friends again. It’s an awful situation but I’d want to know if I was your sister.

maria2bela Wed 25-Mar-20 15:20:26

I would tell her but reassure her that you're ok etc, as it could be a potential trigger for her to start drinking again etc?

PlanetMJ Wed 25-Mar-20 15:21:30

I think telling her is a must as she is potentially at risk from him. Her children too.
I'm so sorry this happened to you OP, and that you are being forced to revisit what this vile person did to you. You sound like a wonderful sister.

billy1966 Wed 25-Mar-20 15:26:27

OP, absolutely tell her.
He is trying to worm his way back into her life.
He is utter scum and she needs to know it.
She may be fragile BUT it was YOU who were assaulted and she needs to get a grip if she makes it all about her.

YOU do not need the stress of listening to her speaking well of him.

It happened.
You dealt with it as best you could.
She now has to deal with it.

She needs to never mention his scummy name again.

Wishing you wellflowers

SmallChickBilly Wed 25-Mar-20 15:34:28

I think trying her would be best if you can- what if he starts hanging around her kids?!

Flower1309 Wed 25-Mar-20 15:41:31

Yes tell her. He's trying to worm his way back in. How awfull that happened to you. flowers

Chamomileteaplease Wed 25-Mar-20 15:43:24

Definitely tell her. She is getting too close to someone about whom she doesn't have all the information you have.

RedHelenB Wed 25-Mar-20 15:45:07

Could you tell her but not say it was you? If not, in this instance I'd let sleeping dogs lie personally.

Quickquestion2020 Wed 25-Mar-20 15:46:13

Tell her. You shouldn't be dealing with this alone and listening to that.

annamie Wed 25-Mar-20 15:48:43



I would tell her but reassure her that you're ok etc, as it could be a potential trigger for her to start drinking again etc?

This is terrible advice, it’s not OP’s responsibility to not trigger her sister’s drinking.

OP, you should absolutely tell her. If she’s the sister she should be, she will cease contact with him or encourage you to go to the police.

Oceans12isCrap Wed 25-Mar-20 15:50:13

Tell her, but be prepared for her not to believe you.

Sushiroller Wed 25-Mar-20 15:50:50

Super difficult situation- but def tell her.

AmputatedSoul Wed 25-Mar-20 15:51:39

I'd tell her.
What if he fancies her but she doesn't him because of her marriage? He could do the same to her.

rjebgf Wed 25-Mar-20 15:51:44

Tell her
You do not want her having an affair with him and ruining her life

whatamess101 Wed 25-Mar-20 16:04:10

Thank you for all your kind comments, they have been really helpful in trying to work out what to do. I can see now that I must tell her. I have just phoned my mum and told her everything. She was really upset but she's going to help me support my sister after I have told her. But first I'm going to find professional help to talk through what happened and how to help my sister deal with it.

caringcarer Wed 25-Mar-20 16:09:41

Tell her.

maria2bela Wed 25-Mar-20 18:16:10

@annamie Oh please, I'm trying to find ways around the barrier that may be stopping the OP from telling her sister in the first place. You can say 'it's not her responsibility' all you like, but if it was YOUR close family member, you'd want to make sure that they'll handle the message well.

dam2real Sun 29-Mar-20 20:05:05

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Cagedbirdsinging Sun 29-Mar-20 20:14:14

@dam2real ....
I don't think OP is asking for help with hacking or secretly monitoring anyone .

misskick Sun 29-Mar-20 20:31:52

I think you should tell her to keep her safe, your sister could end up in this situation with this man if he wants more than friendship and she doesnt.

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