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In expecting my partner to accept the fact i am not tidy and not to keep having endless rows!!

(123 Posts)
bouncy Sun 09-Sep-07 17:46:52

I work part time, my dp full time (up to 50 hrs) before we moved in together he made endless comments after coming to my house that i was not the tidiest person he'd ever met, I said to him that is the way I am, I am just not organised and if he wants to be with me than he will have to take me warts and all.

I would like to point out that its not a dirty house, just piles of clean washing that need to be put away, shoes not on the show rack etc etc, piles of paperwork etc etc

he has come home from work today grumpy that the house is in a mess and he has had to tidy it up (i didn't ask him too) I didn't do any housework today as I was out visiting my mum and taking my son to the park.

When we row about it and I say you knew I was like this before you moved in, his reply is I hoped you would change!!!!

BecauseImWorthIt Sun 09-Sep-07 17:49:20

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

Mess obviously doesn't bother you, but it does bother him. If something bothers the person you love, wouldn't you try and do something about it?

Not saying you suddenly have to develop OCD, but you could make a bit more effort!

Marriage/partnership is all about compromise, IMHO

charliecat Sun 09-Sep-07 17:49:27

I am messy too. He shouldnt have assumed you would change YANBU.

gess Sun 09-Sep-07 17:49:38

oh tricky, Luckily dh and I are both untidy (although its gone beyond what I would want tbh- have set aside the next 2 weeks to sort stuff) . I went out with a very tidy person once, it would have been a problem.

TheArmadillo Sun 09-Sep-07 17:50:04

can't you come to a compromise somewhere in the middle?

You are expecting him to change, he is expecting you to change - can't you both make some changes and meet in the middle?

From a very untidy person wink

charliecat Sun 09-Sep-07 17:51:42

Make it clear that he doesnt have to do it, to make up for your not doing it tho.

LoveAngel Sun 09-Sep-07 17:52:47

You're both being a bit unreasonable. Living together is about compromise. It isn't fair for him to moan endlessly at you about your untidiness, but neither is it fair for you to be a slob and excuse yourself by saying 'that''s me, deal with it!'. So, compromise is the name of the game. Perhaps YOU don't leave piles of washing all over the place and do get a bit more organised, and HE doesn't mention the piles of shoes and paperwork...or something along those lines?

Neverenoughhandbags Sun 09-Sep-07 17:54:01

Sounds like some compromise is called for-it is his home too after all.
It really doedn't take long to spruce things up a bit.
But he needs to contribute too-he could put clean washing away etc!
If it is an issue for him, then it will not go away and he may resent you for it-do reconsider.

AramintaVanHamstring Sun 09-Sep-07 17:56:42

I think that if there is an easily changeable facet to your personality that would improve you and your partners happiness then it would be kind to try to adapt a little.

When mine were little, tidying was a low priority for me. However my partner found it hard to relax after work if he had to sit in a muddle. We agreed that I would always keep the washing mountain in the spare room and would keep all paperwork in one tray on top of the fridge instead of every single surface.

When he read the bed time story I had a five minute tidy and then we always had allllllllllevening to enjoy each others company.

I didn't want to be a slave to housework, he didn't like feeling like he had to clean after a long shift, we compromised.

Now my kids are bigger, it's a doddle, I get them to do it all.grin

MrsMarvel Sun 09-Sep-07 17:56:50

I just think you're bloody lucky living with a bloke that doesn't leave fag stubs in the cups and dirty pants on the bathroom floor.

Harness his tidyness - enjoy it and savour it. Things could be a lot worse.

IntergalacticWalrus Sun 09-Sep-07 18:01:59

Neither DP or I are naturally tidy peolpe, but it fucks me off when I spenbd hors on a Sunday when I should be catching up with work tidying up and he doesn't lift a finger (I ork full time, he say - so do fucking I and I look after the children moreorless fulltime too, plus cook all the meals, and do all the washing, housework etc)

You can swap with me if you like wink

Anna8888 Sun 09-Sep-07 18:02:41

YAB a bit U.

Making other people live ad vitam eternam with your mess is selfish and immature. If you don't like tidying (and face it, who does?) can't you try to have a huge one-off clear-up and organise a system that's easier to run with your husband?

bouncy Sun 09-Sep-07 18:02:56

thanks for the replies, I do value what other people think.

I think he is one of lifes serial moaners and if it wasn't the house it would be something else.

I have improved a lot since we have moved in, but don't think I could ever be up to Anthea Turner's standard.

We had a row before and he said he couldn't relax after work, so we agreed that I would make an effort with the living room and the bedroom, both of which are pretty much spotless, rooms where he can relax after work, and the kitchen is always tidy, its just 2 other rooms which annoy him, he doesn't need to go in there, but does then moans

MrsMarvel Sun 09-Sep-07 18:35:49

I think two spotless rooms and a tidy kitchen is actually quite reasonable. Who'd want to be Anthea Turner anyway?

ggglimpopo Sun 09-Sep-07 18:39:03

I can't live in a mess and was once married to an incredibly scruffy and untidy man and it drove me maaaaaaaaaaaad! I thought he'd change and he thought I'd just tidy up after him if it bothered me so much.

I think that if you tidy up enough to make it less obvious when he comes in, you'll both be much happier!


Ulysees Sun 09-Sep-07 18:44:54

Tricky one this as you sound fairly tidy compared to some people but he sounds very tidy. I think he was naive to think you'd change.
Maybe try talking to him and say it really is hard for you to do it but if you do it together then he can motivate you. Once you get going you'll get lots done and the more decluttering you do the easier it is.

Although I am rather untidy and have the washing problem too blush but dp is in the US grin Also he's the same as me...fairly tidy but not anal.

Anna8888 Sun 09-Sep-07 19:17:22

Yes, I'd repeat what Ulysses said - declutter. The less stuff you possess, the less time you will have to spend tidying it.

I'm forever throwing stuff out smile

Emprexia Sun 09-Sep-07 21:58:25

Personally, I'm in the same boat as you. The only thing you can do is compromise, and if he still moans, tell him to shut up.

Elasticwoman Sun 09-Sep-07 22:04:11

If there are a couple of tidy rooms for him to go in, then I think he's being unreasonable.

I smiled at your OP because I had this argument with my mother when I was a messy teenager - told her I was untidy and she should accept it etc - and now it's me shouting at every one else to put their clothes away and tidy up their own mess.

It's different when you have a little one who can make mess but not tidy it up.

BTW - read Tidy Your Room by Jane Bidder (Whiteladderpress). It's amazing how early you can get your dc help with the chores, according to her!

kindersurprise Sun 09-Sep-07 22:05:29

Sounds similar to our situation. I am never going to be a really tidy person, but I have improved over the years because it drives my DH mad to have "building sites", as he calls them all over the house.

He eventually got to the stage where he suggested getting a cleaner in once a week to do the main cleaning (floors and bathrooms) and leave the tidying and washing etc for me. It saves a lot of arguing, and it is an added incentive, I have to tidy up on Fridays before she arrives.

I think you are both going to have to compromise a bit, although I do think you are doing well to have 2 really tidy rooms.

UCM Sun 09-Sep-07 22:08:21

My answer to this is <<checks its after 10pm>>

Bollocks. If it bothers you that much, tidy it up, I am going to bed.

DH is constantly telling me that if I just put something back after I have used it, we will be tidy.

I do not ask him to do housework whatsoever. So it's my mess and I will clean up grin

Absolutely no help to you at all, but I am very very untidy and I am not going to change. Plus he knew that before he married me.

Jackstini Sun 09-Sep-07 22:10:23

Bouncy - I am very like you and DH hates it. Now I do the 50 hour week, mostly working from home so I see dd. He works part time, looks after dd part time and does ALL the housework. We send the ironing out cos he can't do it and I hate it grin
Still, it does cause arguments sometimes when I say "I have always been like that, I can't change automatically" (although I am slightly better now) He says 'if you love me you'd be tidier' I say 'if you loved me you'd accept me as I am' Then we have a bit of a huff and later enjoy making up. Regular thing this, about 3 or 4 times a year!

bubblagirl Sun 09-Sep-07 22:15:53

i think we all have to make some adjustments but if its just clean stuff to go away its not as if you are wrecking the place his standards are different to yours so just tell him if he comes home and sees clean washing leave it and yopu will do it when you get home

my dp always goes on about the mess yet doesn't pick up after himself at all im always having to remind him i'm notsuperwoman and whats the point in moaning when you never pick up after yourself

so just cahat with him find out how he would like things you wont change your way of living completely but you could compromise on a few things

MadamePlatypus Sun 09-Sep-07 22:19:05

Without going round to your house and meeting your DH, I can't really judge how tidy you are or whether his standards are reasonable. However, I do think life is so much smoother and easier in a tidy and organised home.

Ulysees Sun 09-Sep-07 22:21:55

I agree little ones can be a great help. DS2 is 7 and aleady really helpful. He does washing up, drying, putting away pots. Also loves putting clothes on hangers and putting them in the wardrobe. He even vacuums. I don't force him he enjoys it? DS1 will help but alas has the lazy gene. He says it's child abuse when he has to do a few pots hmmgrin
My mum did everything for me and I think it's a bad thing as it does make you lazier. I'm better now but used to be dreadful. I have less stuff and can be quite ruthless. I also recycle a lot, buy from charity shops (for me) and send things back there.

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