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to stop ds going shopping with his Nan as a punishment?

(41 Posts)
whoops Fri 07-Sep-07 18:32:36

MIL wanted to take ds out tomorrow to buy his birthday present but I feel that his behaviour has got too bad and needs to be dealt with.
I made him ring his Nan and tell her he had been too naughty and couldn't go - she was fine and was happy to back me up
Dh has now said I am wrong and that he can't be punished that way. I feel he is now going to make me look so stupid by going against my decisions.

SenoraPostrophe Fri 07-Sep-07 18:35:34

yes you are being unreasonable, unless by bad behaviour you mean stealing cars or something. It's his birthday, and if he's under about 10 then it won't be very effective anyway because the gap between bad behaviour and punishment is too great.

cocolepew Fri 07-Sep-07 18:38:23

I think you did the right thing, especially getting your DS to phone up and explain. You're lucky you have a MIL who respects your decision. How old is DS? Will he remember this and learn from it? My own DD is 8 and it goes in 1 ear and out the other!

yomellamoHelly Fri 07-Sep-07 18:38:52

Depends in a way how much MIL was looking forward to it too. It is almost like punishing her too. It's all hypothetical but I may have confiscated the pressie after it had been bought to punish him (returned once his behaviour had improved).
Good on your MIL to back you up though.

Alambil Fri 07-Sep-07 20:24:10

so, it was the trip out to get the present and not the actual present (which can be given still I'm guessing) - good on you!!

It will teach him a good lesson - actions (however small) have consequences... this seems a very good "punishment" I think. YANBU in my opinion

kentgirl73 Fri 07-Sep-07 20:28:28

you did the right thing, i have found taking something away like a treat or an activity really makes my daughter realise...its the one thing that upsets her and every time I have done it she hasnt repeated the episode

pinkdolly Fri 07-Sep-07 20:30:38

i think you've done the right thing. i would do the same thing to my children if they badly misbehaved.

wheresthehamster Fri 07-Sep-07 20:36:23

Only effective if the consequence was known prior to the bad behaviour.
E.g. "If you continue misbehaving then you will not be allowed to go out with grandma tomorrow"
Then it's up to him. smile

kentgirl73 Fri 07-Sep-07 20:37:49

defo - they always need to know what they will lose before they are on the last warning

browniedropout Fri 07-Sep-07 20:40:31

Quick, quick don't change YOUR decision. The key to this is consistency. Lucky you - Nanny has backed you up and is supporting your boundary. If you now change your mind and fold (without negotiation) next time will be a disaster. If you say tonight or tomorrow morning that he can sway your decision by doing something (washing up - cleaning out the rabbit, whatever) then he can go shopping with nanny. .... lucky lucky u to have a nanny who stands by you.

harpsichordcarrier Fri 07-Sep-07 20:45:36

how old is he?
what "bad behviour" ar eyou talking about?
it seems very mean indeed to spoil his birthday like this unless you were very clear that if he did X he wouldn't get his birthday present.
I think you have probably been rather harsh. a more positive thing might have been to get his nan to have a word with him. this way just breeds resentment and probably leaves him feeling hurt, hard done by and pissed off. and not any morelikely to behave.
imo.

Alambil Fri 07-Sep-07 20:47:27

but is the present confiscated??? I am under the impression it is just the trip TO GET the present - not the present itself

LittleBella Fri 07-Sep-07 20:48:27

Can they do it on Sunday instead?

Then you won't be backing down, but he still gets his present

kentgirl73 Fri 07-Sep-07 20:49:32

i think you just need to make the point that the punishment is for this bad behaviour and if he is good then set him a goal...

browniedropout Fri 07-Sep-07 20:52:32

and, of course, adding "nanny may not take be willing to take you shopping now, we will have to check with her". With my older two - I got this one right, just because my Mum had. Negotiation in all but dangerous matters makes our children respect our judgements.

whoops Fri 07-Sep-07 21:02:19

Dh has decided that it isn't fair on ds to lose out on a birthday present as his birthday was on Wednesday and if MIL was a bit more with it ds would have had the present then so they are now going
I am very angry at the fact dh has gone over a punishement that I have set which will make ds think that anything I set won't be stuck to.

harpsichordcarrier Fri 07-Sep-07 21:03:52

how old is he?
what has he done, specifically, to make him lose a birthday present?
was he warned?
I think your dh is right. sorry.

whoops Fri 07-Sep-07 21:10:54

He is 6 and had a tatrum before, on the way and at school while dropping him off. When I picked him up he ran off and tried climbing over a fence then wouldn't come back to me. We got home and he was told to get into his pj's while I cooked dinner, he went upstairs and was kicking a football around, he kept fighting with dd and taking her toys off her, he just doesn't listen to me and doesn't do as he is asked, I am at the end of my tether with him and am at the point of wanting to walk out on them

kentgirl73 Fri 07-Sep-07 21:14:38

I fell like that too sometimes, its so hard to know what to do next, but i do feel the only way with my ds is to take things away that mean something, friend round for tea, dancing, no computer...it seems to be working a bit - shes on at the moment, no high school musical 2 cd, wonder when she will get that..............

Aero Fri 07-Sep-07 21:16:09

Is it actually his birthday tomorrow? I think is a fair enough consequence for bad behaviour as long as he was aware of it beforehand. I'd give him a chance to 'earn' the trip back with better behaviour, doing what asked etc, not necessarily tomorrow, but perhaps next week if Nan is happy to take him out then instead.

browniedropout Fri 07-Sep-07 21:19:36

ok so DH isn't backing u up, bless em - they rarely do. will have a think about this but just stay quiet .. whilst us oldies.. been through lots of this... get suggestions summarised e.g. have a think.... lol by the way

whoops Fri 07-Sep-07 21:19:47

His Birthday was on the 5th and his Nan did say she would take him next Saturday if he was good all week.
It doesn't matter now as dh has asked his Mum to take them tomorrow

Aero Fri 07-Sep-07 21:21:43

x-posts - I'd be livid if my dh didn't back me up. Birthday present shopping could easily wait a week, and ds would probably behave better in anticipation!

Dd's aunt took her out last Sunday for a similar trip (to Hamley's!), whole month after her birthday.

harpsichordcarrier Fri 07-Sep-07 21:23:44

I am sorry you are having a hard time and you are feeling so worn out with it all
BUT
six is very young and it is the first week of school and his birthday is tomorrow.
I think you need to think about your disciplinary strategies. and give yourself a break. and get some support.
not letting him get a birthday present is not fair on him if he didn;t get any warning. to say " you won't get a present for all these things you have already done" will just make him feel resentful and powerless - and is unlikely to change his behaviour imo.
could you try and work on his behviour in the future by some sort of positive reinforcement. ignoring bad behaviour and rewwarding good? having a reward system (daily/weekly) for reaching some (attinable) targets - not just "being good" but "not fighting with dd" etc.
having a tantrum is difficult - learning to control your emotions is not an easy job and can't just be switched off. have you tried any strategies to help him deal with his anger?
have you ever read How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk? it is a very useful book imo. I have a pretty challenging 4 yo by the way

soapbox Fri 07-Sep-07 21:24:34

I think you need to read the Tanya thread and take note of her advice. Your behaviour is reinforcing his behaviour which is why nothing is being resolved. I really do recommend that you read what she wrote yesterday, I think it would be enormously helpful to you in revising the way that you parent your child.

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