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He's changed his mind after agreeing. Aibu?

(378 Posts)
Mouseandmoose Tue 10-Mar-20 17:09:37

This might be long as I don't want to drip feed.
Me and DH have two DC, ages 2 &1. Neither in nursery.
We plan on putting our eldest in nursery when he's 3 (end of may).
Same with DD, put her in nursery at age of 3.

Dh works away 4 days a week and is back 4 days. He earns good money, enough to pay all bills and have plenty of spending money by the end of the month.

I don't work, we decided I wouldn't from the offset, we've talked about it MULTIPLE times about how I don't need to really work and how we don't want to put them in nursery young as they're only small once.
We always said I'd go to work when we're finished having children and they're all in primary school.
He always talks about how he takes pride in how he can look after us all.

He works a really skilled job and me on the other hand only studied a year in college for a job I'd have no real chance of getting a job in. ( Fell pregnant as I got into uni and decided not to go through with uni)
We receive no benefits either as he's a high earner.

I never ask for money unless it for the kids, he buys me the odd things without me asking like trainers or gives me the odd £10 for makeup as he knows I'm uncomfortable spending his money, to give you an idea, I only own 2 bras because I don't like asking for money.

Today he was like "I think you should find a job"... I wouldn't even earn enough to cover any child care? I know i get 30 hours free when my eldest is 3 but there's still my youngest? Even at part time it still wouldn't make much sense.


OP’s posts: |
Mouseandmoose Tue 10-Mar-20 17:10:45

I forgot to add, we're trying for another baby too

OP’s posts: |
mrsbyers Tue 10-Mar-20 17:13:17

The childcare is his responsibility too , your wage less half might leave you with some degree of financial independence at least for a while til you have another child

NurseButtercup Tue 10-Mar-20 17:13:24

"I think you should find a job".

What was your response when he said this? Did you ask him why he is now suggesting this?

freeingNora Tue 10-Mar-20 17:14:42

I'd be very interested to find out why the sudden change. Have you spoken to him is it that he doesn't really want the third child or is there something else

IceCreamAndCandyfloss Tue 10-Mar-20 17:15:05

I think he should be free at any point to decide he doesn’t want to be the sole earner.

With no real experience and years out of the workplace, it’s going to be hard getting back without adding more time on. Perhaps he thinks another child means the likelihood of you not working for a great deal more time.

BogOffWinter Tue 10-Mar-20 17:16:01

You find a job and you’re both liable for childcare. If your finances are that tight that you only own two bras I’d suggest holding off on a third child.

AryaStarkWolf Tue 10-Mar-20 17:16:35

Yes what did you say to him? Surely you had more of a conversation than that. Did you say but I thought we agreed that I would look after the children? Did you ask why he wants you to get a job all of a sudden and had he thought about how much childcare would cost?

On another note, you never having money is really shitty

OhCaptain Tue 10-Mar-20 17:17:55

Did you ask him why he’s changed his mind?

Rhubarbpeony Tue 10-Mar-20 17:18:09

You guys need to talk it out. He may he finding the pressure of being the sole earner too much, or he may he worried that the longer you’re out of the workforce the harder it will be to rejoin. It doesn’t sound like it’s sensible for you to be working at the moment if it will cost more in childcare than you earn, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a valid concern behind what he’s saying. I would try and get to the bottom of that (ideally before the next child is conceived, in case that is the source of his anxiety).

KeepYourWigOn Tue 10-Mar-20 17:20:11

I presume he has no intention of being involved in drop offs, pick ups, time off when the child is sick etc. As your husband is away a lot, he's not going to be much use is he?

Sit him down and go through how this will work in practice. Surely he's not that stupid that he doesn't see how any income will be eaten up by childcare costs.

I wouldn't be planning another child with this man.

Greysparkles Tue 10-Mar-20 17:21:05

The childcare is his responsibility too

Why do people insist on putting things like this on these threads. Yes it's both their responsibility but if it costs more than the Extra wage coming in then you're still at a deficit. Whoever bloody pays for it!

Mouseandmoose Tue 10-Mar-20 17:21:12

I was just abit dumfounded, I brought up childcare costs and he said that it'd be me paying for it and it'd be okay cause id be left with like £40 of my own money! He's away ATM so it was over the phone, was just abit awkward.

OP’s posts: |
ViciousJackdaw Tue 10-Mar-20 17:21:39

Yes, why did he tell you to find a job? Was it simply a random announcement or was it in response to you saying something?

Mouseandmoose Tue 10-Mar-20 17:21:44

He also would expect house to be tidy and food on the table aswell as me working

OP’s posts: |
Fanthorpe Tue 10-Mar-20 17:21:55

You need to talk about what’s prompted this. Are things changing for him at work? Would you work the four days he’s home?

Personally I think it’s better to have something you can do for yourself if you can. You never know what’s round the corner.

Mouseandmoose Tue 10-Mar-20 17:22:10

He asked me to because I asked to get the food shopping tomorrow instead of Thursday

OP’s posts: |
Nquartz Tue 10-Mar-20 17:22:16


Is making good sense, how would it work in reality? Do you need to get one of these term time only, school hour jobs that everyone wants & are rarer than hen's teeth?!

OhCaptain Tue 10-Mar-20 17:23:10

Well he could keep expecting it, couldn’t he? Doesn’t mean it would happen!

Does he purposely not give you money?!

Did you ask why?!

TangoWhisky Tue 10-Mar-20 17:23:35

Your trying for a baby , yet his told you to find work?

You cant ask him for money? Have u not got a joint account? ?

DICarter1 Tue 10-Mar-20 17:23:36

Definitely stop trying to conceive.

I’d sit down with him and ask exactly how would a job work with childcare. The kids are a joint responsibility. I’ve been a sahm until recently as two of our kids have special needs so couldn’t attend nursery for long period. I’m only working again as I’m fitting my job around school hours and term time only otherwise it would be a push.

All money should be joint money. Could you look at gaining some qualifications?

NailsNeedDoing Tue 10-Mar-20 17:24:23

Did you ask him why?

Are you happy as a SAHM and do you come across as happy?

When you say ‘we talked about it, are you absolutely sure it was what he wanted too, or could it be that he went along with it because you wanted it? Maybe he’s started to feel a lot of pressure to always be the breadwinner and would like to share the burden, which would be fair enough.

GreenTulips Tue 10-Mar-20 17:24:37

You work the 4 days he’s hime and he can look after the kids.

PersephoneandHades Tue 10-Mar-20 17:25:01

Based on your updates, absolutely fuck him, who does he think he is?

Please do not entertain his behavior OP; if he no longer wants to be the sole earner and want you to work full time then he needs to take responsibility for the childcare and housework too.

AngelsSins Tue 10-Mar-20 17:25:47

It sounds like it would be good for you to have some independence. I would make it very clear to him though that he’d be expected to share sick days etc because whilst you are happy to sacrifice your career to facilitate all childcare, you will not work AND take full responsibility for the children and the house. He will need to step up.

Childcare is not your expense to cover, it’s a joint expense and you should have enough money left that you can buy yourself some new underwear! The fact he has you asking for money rather than sharing access to it is pretty wrong in my opinion.

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