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AIBU - Still buying stuff for daughter at University

(425 Posts)
Virgo28 Tue 10-Mar-20 13:21:08

I'll try to give all details to save questions so please bear with me. DD and her BF both 1st year students at uni one on south coast and one up north so the only time they see each other is when they are home but still text etc each other. Me and DP have been to see daughter twice, once in November and again end of February and both times I have taken up a bag of goodies for her, stuff like biscuits, sweets, basically stuff that I have seen when shopping that I thought she might like as a treat or maybe an essential that she has mentioned she needs. She works hard, is getting good grades and also has a part time job between her studies as her student maintenance loan only just covers her rent. The girls had been talking and DD mentioned the weekend we visited and told BF the stuff we had done (tourist stuff) and the bits I had taken up to her. BF must of told her mum and the next day BF's mum is knocking on my door basically demanding I stop enabling and spoiling my DD because apparently I should be allowing my DD to be an adult and not interfer as it's not helping her learn "life lessons" I also should not be visiting her as this doesn't help her either. Who is being unreasonable here? It honestly didn't cross my mind, it was just a few bits and a day out exploring where she is because we'd never been there before DD started there. It's about 4 hours each way so we drove up Saturday morning, spent the afternoon and early evening together, stayed at hotel that night, took her to breakfast the following morning and then left lunchtime to come home.

OP’s posts: |
OrlandoTheMarmaladeCat Tue 10-Mar-20 13:23:14

It wouldn't occur to me NOT to visit my son and I always take a bag of food/treats. What a bizarre reaction from your friend.

MiniMinion Tue 10-Mar-20 13:23:59

BF's mum is off her fucking rocker. Treat your daughter if you want.

FFS I'm usually pretty hard line about kids becoming adults and standing on their own two feet but this mum is beyond ridiculous.

RoxytheRexy Tue 10-Mar-20 13:25:04

My parents never did this for me when I was at university but my housemates did. I was always very jealous.

You sound lovely

AnneJeanne Tue 10-Mar-20 13:25:21

BFs mum is nuts. You raise your daughter and tend your relationship with her as suits you both. My mum would send me care packages well into my adult years and I loved being nurtured. It didn’t stunt my growth as an adult.

PicaK Tue 10-Mar-20 13:25:22

Im 46. My mum still buys me a treat occasionally. That's totally normal. Going to visit at uni is also totally normal. Your BF mum is the interfering, over invested one here!

mbosnz Tue 10-Mar-20 13:26:25

Where does she get off thinking she tells you what to do?! You will parent your daughter, and have a relationship with your daughter as you see fit, and she would do very well to keep her nose the hell out of what is absolutely NONE of her business.

And slams door in the importunate idiot's face. . .

QueenofallIsee Tue 10-Mar-20 13:27:05

She’d hate me, I spent last weekend with my adult DD buying her a laptop! I wouldn’t give a flying fuck what she thinks OP, none of her business at all

EKGEMS Tue 10-Mar-20 13:28:53

You should've slammed the door on her foot! She needs a psychiatrist who enjoys a challenge

letsdolunch321 Tue 10-Mar-20 13:29:02

The BF mums needs to be told "butt out, I will do what I want to do for my daughter"

Cheeky bitch, you visit when ever it suits you & buy what ever you want to.

If she knocks again give it to her straight.

steppemum Tue 10-Mar-20 13:29:12

the BF mum is nuts.

parents visited me, I remember well a lovely Italian restaurant and me and dad (in town on business) having a blow out humungous meal. It was great to be spoilt for an evening.

They didn't come often, I was a long way away, but when they came they always spoilt me, food and shopping.
Mum used to tuck a bag of extras into the car when I went back too.

My parents are VERY hot on us being independant etc, but they are also my mum and dad.

Ds is off nect year. I doubt I'll be allowed to visit for long, but the occasional meal or food parcel will make its way to him.

raspberryk Tue 10-Mar-20 13:29:32

Yanbu, wonder if dd's bf mum has even seen the amount it's recommended by the government she tops her son up by, as they get student finance based on parents income they're expected to make up the financial shortfall.

Mrsjayy Tue 10-Mar-20 13:29:35

She sounds.batshit actually off her don't stop having a relationship. With your children once they hit 18! Both of mine stayed.home when they were in uni,/college I fed them and everything.yet they manage to be fully grown functioning adults, despite the enablement grin

letsdolunch321 Tue 10-Mar-20 13:30:22

I still weekly take my daughter food as she is a single mum with a growing toddler

DukeChatsworth Tue 10-Mar-20 13:31:39

The BF’s mum is fucking weird!
Even if she’d thought you shouldn’t do it, that’s an opinion she should keep to herself.... her storming your door is bloody batshit!
Of course you should visit and take treats.

Fanthorpe Tue 10-Mar-20 13:31:52

Surely treating your children is just part of being a parent? BF’s mother sounds really mean and really rude. I’d send the BF some bits and pieces!

It doesn’t have to be £££, but so what if it is?

Butterwhy Tue 10-Mar-20 13:32:10

I'm unsure why it's any of their business. It sounds lovely, and I'm sure your DD is capable of saying no thanks if she doesn't want them.

Virgo28 Tue 10-Mar-20 13:32:15

I must admit I was gobsmacked, DD always seems to be pleased to see us and the goody bag 🙂 we always try to work round her schedule and social life. We are going back up next month and will only see her for lunch and dinner inbetween doing more tourist stuff that we want to do because she will be working and no doubt there will be another bag of stuff going with us.

OP’s posts: |
Whatsnewpussyhat Tue 10-Mar-20 13:32:45

She wants you to stop as you are making her look bad.

Carry on. You and your DD sound lovely.

Ruby8719 Tue 10-Mar-20 13:33:26

You are lovely - why not help your child if you can? I will be if they go to uni. My mum and dad always did the same for me. My mum still forces treats on me now when we have the odd day out together bless her smilesmile

mohasfluffytoes Tue 10-Mar-20 13:33:55

My parents still do this and I'm aged 30, married with children!

MrsHa Tue 10-Mar-20 13:34:05

She would not like my MIL, she sent BIL way to uni with enough supplies to start a small convinence store from his room in halls plus then sent him back with top up supplies evert time he was home plus extra when she visited. MIL and her partner have 3 at uni between them if they are home on a Sunday extra dinner gets made and they all get sent away with a plate.

TwoleftUggs Tue 10-Mar-20 13:34:28

I loved my parents coming to visit when I was at uni. I lived in the midlands and went to a seaside uni so they’d come and have a weekend by the sea every few months, and I’d show them the touristy bits of the town. Dad always had teabags, biscuits and crisps in the car for me. In fact I’m in my 40s and he still gives me loo roll and teabags every time I visit.
She’s clearly bonkers, carry on treating dd as you do now.

Daisy169 Tue 10-Mar-20 13:34:32

BF's mum is mental.

My parents used to visit on occasion (200 miles away) and my mum even stayed over in my room a few times - she'd think that was mad! I loved them visiting and the treats. For Christmas my mum used to give me a savings card for tesco and a bit of cash for a bus and I'd go and do a big shop with lots of treats. She still does the savings card now and I'm married with children!

ThanosSavedMe Tue 10-Mar-20 13:34:54

I hope you either a) laughed at bf mum or b) told her to fuck off

None of her business.

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