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Sister-in-Law's Wedding

(78 Posts)
EtchellsGuardian Fri 28-Feb-20 15:20:59

I am new. I am really embarrassed by being so upset about something especially as one of my closest friends has had to endure a really shit time with catastrophe after catastrophe over the last eighteen months. I made this account as I can’t really speak to my real friends because it is so silly considering what my friend has been through.
A friend and I were talking about a holiday our friend is taking us on later on in the year to thank us for the support that we have given her. My husband came in and he was white, he had forgotten when we were going and when his sister asked him about any plans we had that particular month because she was planning her wedding, he said that we had no plans. He jumped on the phone and she hadn’t planned anything but clarified that he personally had no plans and it was only me who would be away.
Two weeks later SiL spoke to him and said she had booked the date anyway as the venue was what she wanted. I am so upset I burst into tears when he told me. He was upset and completely blamed himself for not remembering the date of my holiday.
At a later date she said that she and BiL wanted a child free wedding and would he mind if this extended to our children; he said he would be upset so DD was going to be flower girl. It has now emerged that it is MiL who wanted this. He was really angry that she didn’t want our children.
When the holiday came up he was going to take leave rather than juggling the kids but my mother said that she would have them instead. He then said that he would still take leave in order to do a big demolition job in the house so we wouldn’t pay for builder’s prep.
DH now wants my mother to still have the children and go to the wedding on his own.
IAIBU to be upset that my SiL thinks so little of me that she has chosen a date knowing that I can’t come , wanting to exclude my children and now my husband wants to go without them?

SuburbanFraggle Fri 28-Feb-20 15:24:17

Yanbu to be hurt.

Going forward treat her nicely and politely but know you are not close and she does not value you or your children that much and never forget it.

Shoxfordian Fri 28-Feb-20 15:31:10

Are you close to her?

I think you're overreacting

rookiemere Fri 28-Feb-20 15:31:16

Sorry but I think you're overreacting a bit. She asked what dates you were available- it's your DH who messed up on this, and once she'd already decided on venue and date, I can see why she wouldn't want to change. She's also entitled not to want DCs at her wedding so I'm not sure why your DH got so worked up about that.

antisupermum Fri 28-Feb-20 15:32:20

YABU to be taking this out on your SIL and not your husband. She asked about availability and your husband gave her an incorrect answer. Your SIL may not have booked anything by the time he called her back, but she would likely have already started balls rolling in her head and if you are the only cog not working out in the grand scheme of an entire wedding, it isnt unreasonable that she goes ahead with the original, and greed upon, date.

Your husband is again the one being unreasonable by saying he wont be taking the kids to the wedding. Your SIL didnt make a deal of the kids, your MIL did. And its your husband who is happy about it, going by his attitude.
So, take it up with him and be angry at him. And tell him that your mum is not available to have the kids that night so if he goes to the wedding, the kids go too!

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult Fri 28-Feb-20 15:39:25

She did think enough of you to ask your availability, your husband messed the date up, she made plans, then didnt really want to change them.

It's just one of those unfortunate things that happen sometimes.

Enjoy your holiday smile

Leaannb Fri 28-Feb-20 15:42:01

YABVU... Childfree weddings are not an insult to you or anyone else. It’s not her fault that her venue was only available during your trip. Once again not an insult to you so don’t understand the histrionics of bursting into tears. Who decided that your daughter was supposedly to be flower girl? MIL? She needs to be dealt with and so does your husband for being a piss taker. If I was your mother no way would I be babysitting after your dh changed the game like that.

NotStayingIn Fri 28-Feb-20 15:42:30

I must admit I also don’t think this is so bad. It’s a shame things turned out this way, but no-one is to blame, no feelings need to be hurt.

It’s a shame your DH got the dates wrong, that SIL had already planned around that date, and that therefor you are missing out. No children at the wedding is fine and if your mom is happy to have them why create any drama.

Wish them well and enjoy your holiday!

CornishPorsche Fri 28-Feb-20 15:44:12

It's her wedding. HERS - not yours.

Availability for venues is not guaranteed, and it's just coincidence that they were looking around a time you are away.

Child free is anyone's option, and they have no need to consider your availability for child care etc.

If you need to rethink the holiday, rethink it. You have options.

CalmdownJanet Fri 28-Feb-20 15:46:18

I think you are overreacting too. This is your dh's fault, he said you had nothing on and though they didn't officially have anything booked they still had that date/venue in their heads because they thought everyone was free. In fairness they did ask so this one is on your dh I'm afraid.

AryaStarkWolf Fri 28-Feb-20 15:46:31

Yeah i think you are being unreasonable too, blame your DH if you want to blame someone about the dates.

I'm not sure I understand about your DD, had your SIL ask her to be flower girl and then change her mind and say actually she can't come at all? if so that's terrible (if your child is at an age where she could understand)

aSofaNearYou Fri 28-Feb-20 15:48:51

I'm a bit confused, I was expecting the post to end with you can't go on your holiday for some reason. I don't see why you would be upset about any of the things you mentioned tbh, unless SIL was your best friend.

Why does your husband not want to have the kids anymore, out of curiosity? I don't know whether there's any reason to be upset about that because it's not clear why he suddenly changed his mind.

Aquamarine1029 Fri 28-Feb-20 15:50:17

This is an enormous amount of drama for such a non-event. Your husband goes to the wedding, you go on your fun holiday, and your children get to visit grandma. There really is no problem here.

Purpleartichoke Fri 28-Feb-20 15:52:15

She did her due diligence by asking about your availability. I don’t think it’s reasonable to ask her to start all the work of planning over again because your DH made a mistake.

strawberry2017 Fri 28-Feb-20 15:53:49

I'd rather be on the holiday. Much more fun!

Kirkman Fri 28-Feb-20 15:54:05

Wow. I feel sorry for your sil.

Expected to only do things around when you are available. She checked and was told wrong dates. But expected to change when your dh told her you werent free.

Apparantly made to have a children wedding by her mother. Then her brother is upset his daughter isnt s flower girl so now she is

And now her brother isnt taking the kids anyway. Just using the week and wedding as wife/child free break.

And the sil is devastated that she isnt a priority when booking a wedding?

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece Fri 28-Feb-20 15:56:49

my SiL thinks so little of me that she has chosen a date knowing that I can’t come , wanting to exclude my children

But she didn’t, she chose a date based on the venue she wanted after your DH gave her the wrong information and she didn’t exclude your children specifically, she excluded all children then when your DH overreacted about this, she relented (even though MIL wanted it, SIL still had the final say) then you and your DH has another hissy for. I don’t see what she’s done wrong

Molly2017 Fri 28-Feb-20 15:57:47

The point is, when the OP realised the error, nothing was booked.
Since rectifying the error, the SIL has booked knowing the aoP cannot attend.
Given this I don’t think YABU.
The child free element depends on how old your child is and whether she knew she was going to be flower girl.

justilou1 Fri 28-Feb-20 15:57:56

I would be more pissed off that your husband doesn’t value your time enough to remember your holiday. Sure as eggs he’d expect you to remember if he had something special booked for himself, and you had a family thing on. I think he is a CF expecting your mum to sort out his fuck up with the kids also. (Your sister’s choice to have a child-free wedding is entirely her call and has nothing to do with her feelings for you or your child. It is entirely about her vision for the type of wedding she has always wanted - and wants to pay for.)

Kirkman Fri 28-Feb-20 15:58:24

I cant help wonder why mil, would want to exclude her own grandchildren.

I doubt it's because she didnt want her grandchildren there. There will be another reason and it just happens to impact ops children.

Leaannb Fri 28-Feb-20 16:00:20

@Kirkman SIL wanted a childfree wedding. Mil was the one who insisted that did be a flower gorl

Sceptre86 Fri 28-Feb-20 16:00:33

I do not understand children weddings as they are so alien to my culture. It is sad to me that your sil would not want your children involved in her wedding but to each their own and if is her day. To be fair she did check dates with your DH who messed up. Rather than make a big song and dance about you choosing to go on holiday instead she has stuck with the date she wanted at the original venue she liked. That is not a bad thing. Going forward always be polite and civil but do not go out of your way for her as she would not for you. If anything you now know where you stand with her.

Leaannb Fri 28-Feb-20 16:00:36


Arthur2shedsJackson Fri 28-Feb-20 16:00:44

To use your words - this is so silly. I had to read it 3 times before I could understand it and I think you’re being a drama llama. ‘Bursting into tears’ because you couldn’t t go to a wedding? When your DH had already told your SIL you’d be away for it? Child free weddings seem to be the norm these days - why should your SIL not be allowed one? You seem determined to be the victim here. Grow up.

Ponoka7 Fri 28-Feb-20 16:01:03

"IAIBU to be upset that my SiL thinks so little of me that she has chosen a date knowing that I can’t come"

Your DH thinks so little of you that he couldn't be bothered to remember your holiday plans.

They aren't interrupting his life, your Mother is picking up the slack.

Is he used to being enabled and not having to worry about the importance of childcare?

It's win win for him.

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