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to take my child out in the cold

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tantrumingcoldchild Thu 27-Feb-20 10:00:55

Name changed for this!

I was trying to get my 3 year old daughter to nursery by 8 am for breakfast and so that I can get on with a big work project. She had a massive strop because she wanted to have Coco Pops at home. The general tantruming lasted almost an hour.

I finally forced her into her buggy (not something I normally do), but she ripped off her sweatshirt in the process and she was only in her vest. I attempted to put her coat on over her backwards but she angrily flung it off.

Knowing that she would quickly tire of the cold, I started the 7 minute walk to nursery. There was some very light snowy rain, just a few drops here and there. A woman saw me leaving my building with my daughter flailing around and screaming in her vest, and glared at me. She had a child with her.

When I was halfway down the block, the woman came back and asked me angrily if I had seen the weather and what my child was wearing. I explained that she was having a temper tantrum and I needed to work. I said that I was going to put her coat on her when she calmed down.

The woman insisted that this wasn't good enough and continued to berate me, saying it was horrible not to dress my child. I explained that my daughter had taken her clothes off and showed her the sweatshirt and coat which were ready and waiting.

She shouted at me some more and called me a crazy bitch. I asked her what she would do if she were going to get sacked for being late (this is theoretical, as I am not going to get sacked but I do need to work and I want my daughter to understand that there are boundaries and consequences. I let her make me late way too often). She told me that she would rather lose her job than take her child out in the cold and then yelled at me some more. I lost my temper and shouted back at her and she eventually left.

My daughter was quite upset. She asked if the lady was not nice to me. I explained that the woman was angry with me for not making my daughter wear her clothes in the cold. Then my original plan came to fruition: my daughter agreed to put her top and coat on, I hugged her and said I loved her, and we walked to nursery together.

So, was I unreasonable to take my daughter out in a vest when she was having a horrible temper tantrum?

tantrumingcoldchild Thu 27-Feb-20 10:01:41

Oh, and due to the tantrums she didn't get to nursery until 9 am. It was AN HOUR of disagreeable behaviour.

JJPC Thu 27-Feb-20 10:03:41

I’ve done similar before, although mine haven’t stripped to just a vest. They usually complain of the cold within a minute or two and I immediately put their coats back on and we carry on our way.

I think the woman calling you a crazy bitch was completely out of line.

canithrottlesomeppl Thu 27-Feb-20 10:04:04

You let a 3 year old dictate what was happening? Your the adult. You let her tantrum for an hour. That should of been nipped in the bud after 5 minutes. My daughter is 4 and if she acted like this then I would use a little force to keep her clothes and coat on, strap her in the buggy then walk to school.

edited by MNHQ

Emmelina Thu 27-Feb-20 10:06:54

Sometimes kids need to learn for themselves that we make them wear warm clothes for a good reason. Very unreasonable of the woman to stop and have a go at you outside in the cold, shouting and swearing while your child was in her vest IN THE COLD and getting colder.

Needallthesleep Thu 27-Feb-20 10:07:57

We have been in the same situation several times, you do what you need to, your daughter isn’t going to have any ill effect from a couple of minutes out in the cold. The other woman was completely out of line.

Cakeandslippers Thu 27-Feb-20 10:09:00

I'd probably have done similar. Life is too short to stress, you knew she'd get dressed when she got cold .
That lady sounds like the crazy one to me, oh to be so perfect!

myself2020 Thu 27-Feb-20 10:09:56

it isn’t that cold in the uk. she won’t be at any risk, just uncomfortable
(if it was -10 or so, the woman would have had a point)

Damntheman Thu 27-Feb-20 10:14:24

Eh I've seen kids out in minus 10 without coats and gloves because they're being tits. Have yet to see any of them lose fingers to frostbite.

That woman was massively unreasonable. We all (or maybe not canithrottle who doesn't seem to have actually experienced a proper tantrum before) understand the agony of having to deal with tantrums.

I'd have done exactly what you did OP.

tantrumingcoldchild Thu 27-Feb-20 10:14:40

Whew, this is helping me to feel better. No, I thought she would just be a bit uncomfortable. It's not even freezing and there is no wind.

NomNomNomNom Thu 27-Feb-20 10:15:06

It depends on your DD if you know she'll see reason and put a coat on in less than a minute (my DD would fall into this category) then I'd get on with it. If she might go the full ten minutes freezing her arse off (like my DS would) then I'd make sure she was properly dressed before leaving.

My DS hated his rain cover on his buggy on and would pull it off constantly. If we were close to home I used to just give up let him get wet for 5 minutes and put him in dry clothes when we got home.

crimsonlake Thu 27-Feb-20 10:15:22

Not helpful but I agree this should have been nipped in the bud long ago. You are the boss and no I would not have allowed my little one to go out dressed as you did, it is freezing out there.

tantrumingcoldchild Thu 27-Feb-20 10:19:20

How exactly would you have nipped it in the bud? She is extremely strong willed and I'm a lone parent. I don't (and wouldn't) smack her.

FWIW the health visitor came by recently (because we are new to the borough) and she expressed approval of my discipline. I don't ever give in to temper tantrums and I ignore her when she is being stroppy.

purpleme12 Thu 27-Feb-20 10:19:53

She was unreasonable, not you and I would have got really pissed off with her

tantrumingcoldchild Thu 27-Feb-20 10:21:38

Also, it took 10 minutes of fighting to just get her in the buggy with the vest on. I don't really know how I physically could have gotten the sweatshirt and coat on her. It is also a shared entrance so I think it wasn't great for the neighbours to carry on for longer.

NorthernBirdAtHeart Thu 27-Feb-20 10:22:50

YANBU, I’ve done similar in the past. Ignore the interfering so and so.

Porcupineinwaiting Thu 27-Feb-20 10:23:31

Also checking in to see how you nip a tantrum in the bud. And please dont say anything trite like "distraction". Ds2 was once tantrumming when a pan on the stove caught fire. Even the spectacle of dh and I trying to simultaneously evacuate everyone and put it out didnt cause him to miss a beat.

Damntheman Thu 27-Feb-20 10:24:49

OP the actual recommendations in Norway are to let your child take the lead with stuff like that if they're being difficult. You take the coat (gloves/hat/neck) along with you, and the child will put them on soon enough because they get cold. Then the child feels they have some choice in the matter and we all avoid power struggle tantrums. You're doing exactly the right thing recommended for a (actually freezing) cold country like Norway.

My daughter used to flat refused to put gloves on. It gets down to -26 here sometimes in winter. It took her a couple of days walk to and from nursery in -12ish and now the gloves go on with no question. Kids will willingly put on coats when they realise it's actually cold. When they're in the hall they may not realise how cold it is outside, now she's learned that Mum was right, it WAS cold and a coat was needed. Tomorrow and the day after etc should hopefully go easier smile

OneOfManyDays Thu 27-Feb-20 10:27:20

I've done this with my DD. She was fully dressed and ready for preschool then all of sudden the red mist descended and she went mental and took all the clothes off we'd just put on. Tried to let her tantrum it out and ignored her xxxx, but eventually we were late and I just couldn't be any later due to my shift beginning and had to take her with no shoes or socks on, leggings and a tshirt in the rain and cold. After a couple of mins she'd calmed down outside and said she was cold, when I offered her the clothes she took them.

edited by MNHQ

cobwebfew Thu 27-Feb-20 10:29:11

YANBU. You needed to leave for work.

opticaldelusion Thu 27-Feb-20 10:31:19

I would use a little force to keep her clothes and coat on

Just trying to figure out how this actually works... You use force to keep a child's clothes on... Please explain exactly what sort of force you use to stop a child taking their top off when that child is determined to remove it...

opticaldelusion Thu 27-Feb-20 10:32:52

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

tantrumingcoldchild Thu 27-Feb-20 10:33:42

@Damntheman That is so sensible! That is exactly what I was thinking - my daughter isn't an idiot, after all - but this confrontation made me question myself.

nornironrock Thu 27-Feb-20 10:38:44

My son used to take off his shoes and socks, no matter what the weather, so we'd be in town in the bitter cold and he'd have bare feet!!!

We did get some very funny looks.

This lady that had a go at you needs to be told to piss off and mind her own business. We do the best we can, you did the best you can, and she does the best she can. And we all have off days!

Blackandgreenteas Thu 27-Feb-20 10:42:17

Yes I think you did fine/

I love (don’t love) the logic of the woman keeping you out in the cold longer so should could berate your!

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