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AIBU that if you won't sleep with your partner its fair if they get it elsewhere?

(144 Posts)
hcoe21 Thu 27-Feb-20 09:44:52

I saw on here someone saying that they didn't like to have sex with their husband and would rather cuddle/have a cup of tea. This seems incredibly unfair if the other partner isn't of the same mindset. However, it would be unenjoyable to feel that one person wasn't entirely into the idea. Therefore, is it acceptable to 'turn a blind eye' to one partner seeking this from someone else? I am happily married and probably have sex every other day. However, if my husband didn't want to - I would still have a need to, and would seek out an alternative. I think if you aren't having sex and they have an affair - that is fair.

Symbollove Thu 27-Feb-20 09:47:18

It's not fair, they need to talk about it and then take it from there. It won't be fair to just go behind his or hers back

FuckityFuckit Thu 27-Feb-20 09:48:48

It's fair if it's discussed and agreed to by the other partner. Not if they just go behind their back.

If they don't want to live without sex and their partner doesn't want it, they either need to enter into an open relationship (with the other person's knowledge and consent) or leave.

FuckityFuckit Thu 27-Feb-20 09:49:22

And no, I wouldn't judge someone for leaving if their partner never wanted sex with them but didn't want them to go elsewhere either.

Delbelleber Thu 27-Feb-20 09:51:02

You should break up if one of you isn't happy. You either accept you're in a sexless relationship or you move on because you aren't entirely compatible to be together long term.

GabriellaMontez Thu 27-Feb-20 09:53:09

Its a discussion to be had together.

Your suggestion is one possible outcome.

BigFatLiar Thu 27-Feb-20 09:53:20

Sex isn't all a marriage is about. It is important but both need to be on the same page with it. If you're happy with an open marriage ok otherwise you seperate or learn to live with the marriage as is and enjoy the companionship of life together. No sex doesn't always mean no love.

IvinghoeBeacon Thu 27-Feb-20 09:54:39

Why didn’t you respond on the thread?

WorraLiberty Thu 27-Feb-20 09:57:24

Therefore, is it acceptable to 'turn a blind eye' to one partner seeking this from someone else?

No it's not.

Would would be acceptable would be to either be honest and come to a mutual agreement that they could seek sex elsewhere, or split up.

hcoe21 Thu 27-Feb-20 10:00:08

Because it was a slightly different topic. I feel that its fair for someone to go elsewhere if it makes everyone happy. Jealousy is a terrible emotion and a lot of relationships may not withstand an open relationship. I think a secret affair would actually help these relationships. And what they don't know won't hurt them.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion Thu 27-Feb-20 10:00:33

Depends how both people in the relationship feel about that. Saying if you don't get sex from your partner every other day, you would have a need to go and have sex somewhere else is utter bullshit imo. No one needs sex every other day. If my partner came to me and said he needed to have sex every other day, and if I couldn't manage that, he would have to go elsewhere to fulfill his needs, I would tell him to jog on.

BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs Thu 27-Feb-20 10:01:47

* I think if you aren't having sex and they have an affair - that is fair.*

Not even slightly. A lack of sex should be discussed, like anything in a relationship. If the couple cannot agree or compromise on a way forward then the relationship should end.

The partner with the higher sex drive shouldn't have to live without sex, but the partner with a lower sex drive should never, ever be coerced or pressured into sex they don't want. The right to not have sex trumps the right to have sex. That partner is still deserving of a relationship based on trust and fidelity (unless an open relationship has been openly discussed and agreed).

Cheating because you 'need' sex is still just cheating. Rationalise it all you want, it's no different to cheating because you fancy someone else more, they 'understand' you more, they make you laugh more, they make you feel better about yourself, or whatever the justification is. It isn't the answer to a mismatched relationship.

No judgement if someone walks away from an unfulfilling sex life, but plenty if they cheat and try and justify it like that.

IvinghoeBeacon Thu 27-Feb-20 10:02:45

This isn’t a new topic or a novel opinion. Better to discuss with the person who you have the issue with on the relevant thread

Iminaglasscaseofemotion Thu 27-Feb-20 10:03:25

No, it's not better for everyone to just have a sneaky affair. How niave.

BeerFear Thu 27-Feb-20 10:03:53

so your marriage vows do not matter, no? hmm

Sapphire387 Thu 27-Feb-20 10:06:33

Not fair to just go and have an affair. Fair to leave a relationship where your sexual needs aren’t being fulfilled in the long-term. Fair to open a discussion with your partner about having an open relationship.

IceniSky Thu 27-Feb-20 10:07:08

Having an affair, for what ever reason is for the weak and pathetic. Leave.

What about if someone wants sex every day? Do they start fucking around on the days they dont get it? What about if they want sex and you're pregnant and dont want to, or given birth, breast feeding a small baby. Should they go fuck someone else then? Illness? Cancer? Used as a reason to get your partner to have sex with you?

What a stupid idea.

HorseFlyOfExtraordinaryLength Thu 27-Feb-20 10:07:30

An affair= deception. Deception in a relationship isn't fair. Especially something which is potentially so devastating to the deceived partner.
We're not talking a little white lie here are we.

RandomLondoner Thu 27-Feb-20 10:16:59

Cheating because you 'need' sex is still just cheating.

I dislike the term "cheating". What is the dishonesty? Is it because you aren't telling your partner you're shagging someone else, or because you've breached your marriage vows?

With regard to the first interpretation, if someone tells their partner that are going to shag someone else, does that make everything OK, for most people? After all, they're not being dishonest, so you can't call it cheating, under this interpretation.

I doubt most on here will agree that someone who announces infidelity in advance is not a "cheat", which leaves us with the second interpretation. But in the OP scenario that leaves us with another problem: sex is just as legitimate expectation of marriage as fidelity. The person who lost interest in sex cheated first. In my opinion neither are doing anything wrong, and neither deserve to be insulted.

cobwebfew Thu 27-Feb-20 10:18:03

YABVU to suggest it would be acceptable for someone to have an affair if they weren't getting any at home and for the spouse to 'turn a blind eye.'
If someone isn't happy in their relationship due to lack of sexual intimacy, wouldn't it be kinder for all involved for that person to end the relationship and then seek a new partner rather than remain in the current relationship and cheat?

differentnameforthis Thu 27-Feb-20 10:18:17

Well affairs are usually deceitful, and full of lying so YABU. They cause a lot of heartbreak, and without knowing the ins and outs of why one partner doesn't want sex it's an extremely selfish action.

An open relationship is different and requires both adults to be in agreement.

NomNomNomNom Thu 27-Feb-20 10:19:56

It's ridiculous to make any unilateral statement about this kind of thing. I know for DH sex is also linked to intimacy and expressing love so he would not be satisfied to just "get it elsewhere". If we had that issue we'd discuss it and see how we could both be happy in the marriage.

hcoe21 Thu 27-Feb-20 10:20:53

I think it would be very unfair for one partner to be leading an unfulfilled life when its not their choice. And they may be very happy and in love in all other aspects - so leaving is not an option. I think more people should be open to it. And I think more people should forgive affairs and take them less personally.

IceniSky Thu 27-Feb-20 10:33:19

Sex is not a legitimate expectation of marriage. Sex should never be a legitimate expectation.

In a loving, trusting relationship, sex may come and go, and in a loving, trusting relationship it is discussed and spoken about. There are so many emotional and physical reasons why someone may not be having sex.

Damntheman Thu 27-Feb-20 10:35:16

It is ONLY fair to get it elsewhere if the partners have discussed it and come to a mutually agreeable decision together. It is NOT fair to just go behind partner's back and cheat to get the sex. If the sex is that important to you and your partner still won't go for it, then it's best to break up because you're not compatible. Then you can sleep with whoever you like!

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