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To not know if this marriage will ever work?

(262 Posts)
FizzyWaterMelon Tue 25-Feb-20 23:31:31

First post so go easy on me please.

Tl:dr. Husband wants me to work part time and look after the house. Super high expectations make it impossible and we both feel like crap.

I've been with my now husband for just under two years. We got married in January, a rushed wedding as we'd just bought a house together. The house has needed a substantial amount of work done inxli9a new kitchen and bathroom, costing a small fortune we borrowed from my mum and came from his savings account. The house is in my name and me (and my mum) paid the deposit.

He is a really loving and caring guy. Always puts me first, looks out for me, makes sure I'm OK in stressful situations etc when my anxiety plays up.

When we met I had returned to uni and was going to pursue becoming a primary teacher, then later it changed to accountancy. I had always had a goal of having a good career that would allow me to live the lifestyle I want. I don't want lots of holidays, I just want to do things with my horse. We decided mutually that there was no point me getting a new career underway to then take so many years off to have children, and so I cancelled my uni course and finished with a BA.

Over the last few months and with me working various shift patterns from part time to full time, we have talked so many times about me only working part time and staying at home to look after the house etc while he works full time. We have discussed it that often I don't remember who's idea it was and feel he has been pushing me to give up my job so I an become a good little housewife.

My part time job pays the mortgage and for my horse. That was the deal, and he pays everything else. In return it's my job to take care of the house, do the washing etc. Except every time I do something he has a problem with it. I stopped doing washing in his day off as I was mixing loads and things weren't getting washed properly. I stopped cleaning as I was either doing it too quickly and therefore incorrectly or too slowly and taking too long.

Basically, everything I do he says is wrong, and it's getting me down. Tonight is the 2ns night in 6 weeks I'm sleeping on the couch. I do things a regular person does but everything is wrong and apparently shows I have no respect for him at all.

He is very considerate in some areas. Always makes sure my mum is OK now she's on her own, takes care of all the bills from his pay, wants me to have the best life I can. And in return I just need to treat him the way he treats me. The problem is I just can't. I always mess it up or over think it or only think about myself.

Am I being unreasonable? Should I just suck it up and work on being a better wife? Not many folk can say they only work part time with no kids and have so much free time.

Kudos if you go this far.

Drinkciderfromalemon Tue 25-Feb-20 23:36:12

He doesnt sound like a "really loving and caring guy". He sounds weird and controlling. You have "no respect" for him, you "do things wrongly" - he punishes you for behaving in a way he doesnt like and you are accepting that this is right. It really isnt.

FizzyWaterMelon Tue 25-Feb-20 23:41:35

One side of my brain says that too. The other says he always looks out for me and wants what is best for both of us. It seems he's not happy when I'm being myself and I'm not happy when he's beibg himself.

gamerchick Tue 25-Feb-20 23:41:35

Tbh OP, he sounds like a reet bellend.

Tell him to do it himself if it's always wrong and that you won't be giving work up and to shut up about it.

If you give up your independence, you'll barely recognise yourself in a few years wondering wtf happened.

Do not get pregnant to him yet. Just don't

FizzyWaterMelon Tue 25-Feb-20 23:44:06

@gamerchick thankfully we can't get pregnant. Have looked into fostering and adoption as an alternative to having our own kids.

Craftylittlething Tue 25-Feb-20 23:44:16

I’d think long and hard before having babies with this man. Loving and caring is not critical and controlling.
Please don’t give up your job or perspective here.
Be kind to yourself and do the freedom course.

Jonb6 Tue 25-Feb-20 23:48:50

Lots of free time to ride versus living with a twit, now that really is a tough one. But seriously if you are not happy in your life you need to make changes.

Rosspoldarkssaddle Tue 25-Feb-20 23:50:26

Please see this for what it is. He is controlling. His dissatisfaction with your performance will drive you into further anxiety. He is ensuring everything that you try and do to build yourself up, is undermined and undone. This is not healthy.
Imagine bringing a child into this environment. You are going to feel even worse if your babyraising does not meet his standards.
Go into your career full time and get yourself a cleaner before you lose the ability to recognise something is wrong with this relationship.

AlunWynsKnee Tue 25-Feb-20 23:51:18

Sounds like he's love bombed you and now he's got you his abusive, controlling side is creeping out.
You need to end it quick. It won't get any better.

clairedelalune Tue 25-Feb-20 23:52:32

What he is doing sounds very typical emotional abuse -he is trying to make you feel like you need him.
I would be looking to get out of this asap.

BaronessBomburst Tue 25-Feb-20 23:53:30

How about you both work/study full-time and share the housework?
Bet he doesn't like that idea.
He's awful. He just wants a housekeeper.

CtrlU Tue 25-Feb-20 23:54:32

Forgive me if I sound ignorant but are you and your partner Asian by any chance?

Koalaing Tue 25-Feb-20 23:54:38

Run. Like. The. Wind.

This man is abusing you.

AgeOld Tue 25-Feb-20 23:55:51

I don't understand.
You left full time work and half a uni course to do housework.

Honestly it sounds weird.
Get the marriage ended before he can lay claim to it.

LorenzoStDubois Tue 25-Feb-20 23:56:05

He's a prick.
You've married an abusive twat.
Divorce really is the best option here because he'll only get worse.

AgeOld Tue 25-Feb-20 23:56:19

Sorry. The house that is, lay claim to the house.

CtrlU Tue 25-Feb-20 23:57:13

He sounds like his manipulating you and emotionally abusing you. He wants you to give up working so he can then financially abuse you. Then when your self esteem is crumbled - the physical abuse will start.

trixiebelden77 Tue 25-Feb-20 23:58:00

So many red flags.

Starting with the ‘there’s no point having a qualification when you might be out of the workforce if you decide to and are able to have children’.

Don’t give up your job under any circumstances. If it were me I’d leave him.

FizzyWaterMelon Tue 25-Feb-20 23:59:27

@Ctrlu no not Asian. He has very old fashioned values which was what I liked about him. There is a significant age gap. I'm 27 and he's 50, which I try not to bring into it and I don't think it should be relevant. But I think it kind of is 🙁

CtrlU Wed 26-Feb-20 00:01:08

Well I think the age gap might have a little something to do with it unfortunately

Arseit Wed 26-Feb-20 00:01:19

@gamerchick summed him up with her bellend comment.
Op - why don’t you suggest a role reversal as he’s so patently unhappy with your performance. So you go back to work full-time and he can do the part-time house-work stuff.
Or to just answer your question, I’d agree that yes, I’m not sure the marriage will ever work as it is. I’m not sure you’ll ever please him. And the question is, why would you want to?

CtrlU Wed 26-Feb-20 00:01:45

Hold on - when is he expecting to start having children ?

MadameMeursault Wed 26-Feb-20 00:03:18

So he ensnared you by being charming but now his controlling and abusive side is coming out. I’m sorry OP but this really doesn’t sound good. Don’t let him make you do anything you don’t want to.

JavaQ Wed 26-Feb-20 00:05:50

50. Oh dear god.
He will not change
Leave NOW.
If you don't he will get half the house...at least.
It will not get better.
It will get worse.

FizzyWaterMelon Wed 26-Feb-20 00:10:30

I did know he was quite set in his ways when I married him and alot of the relationship has been anxiety ridden and riding out the storm, so to speak. We thought that moving from the teeny time flat into a house with a lot more space would really help.

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