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To refuse to help my friend with her 'favours'

(90 Posts)
isthischeekyfuckeryorwhat Tue 25-Feb-20 20:24:17

NC for this

We've been friends for 2 decades. Been through highs and lows of life together. Both have DC. Both LP.

I would say over the last 2 years it's felt a little one sided.

Here goes

I've helped her access financial support for family members and herself. Like supporting with understanding intricate rules, form filling etc. This was successful. Significantly better off financially as a result.

Childcare. Provided before and after school for her DC. Initially no issue but meant that I was tied to the house on an evening given the additional responsibility of another child and couldn't access my usual support from my family due to being tied to the house with DF child. Supermarket run, that sort of thing was impacted. Also have a younger DC and to be honest I'm drained being a LP, especially with a young child, work, etc.

I work PT she works FT. Think that's why I'm go to as I have more spare time. But I also have another younger DC who takes up said spare time.

There are other things that may be outing too.

I don't ask for favours, no babysitting etc apart from one time and DF couldn't do it.

But what bothers me, is that although she says thanks, although more rarely recently, I feel like I'm being taken advantage of as I can't really say no when she knows I'm available. She earns more as she's FT, I'm PT still struggling with childcare costs due to youngest DC and not even offer of a bottle of wine or nice chocolate as a thank you.

AIBU or is my friend a CF and should I pull back from the friendship?

Surfer25 Tue 25-Feb-20 20:29:51

Maybe she doesn't know how you feel?

Maybe just start telling her you have plans when she asks you to do something. You don't have to tell her what they are.

fedup21 Tue 25-Feb-20 20:30:50

Say no!

Isleepinahedgefund Tue 25-Feb-20 20:32:43

How much £ in childcare is she saving because you’re doing it?

Greenpolkadot Tue 25-Feb-20 20:33:45

How is a supermarket run 'impacted'?

Aquicknamechange2019 Tue 25-Feb-20 20:35:04

You're feeling taken for granted- you're perfectly entitled to say "no"

isthischeekyfuckeryorwhat Tue 25-Feb-20 20:35:34

@Isleepinahedgefund her DC is Y7 so no childcare costs but did have them until last academic year

isthischeekyfuckeryorwhat Tue 25-Feb-20 20:38:43

@Greenpolkadot I usually leave my DC with family when I do supermarket run, because it's quicker and I don't want a screaming DC in the trolley while I shop. And if the offer from family is there why not take it.

Didn't feel comfortable leaving DF's child at home and equally didn't feel comfortable asking my family to have DF's DC either.

AllPointsNorth Tue 25-Feb-20 20:38:57

Just say no, without all the fuss and bother. Silent resentment is pointless and ineffective.
Do you want to stay friends? Practise putting in boundaries, it’ll stand you in good stead when you have to do the same with your teenagers when they take the piss.

BabyWenger Tue 25-Feb-20 20:38:59

Have you told her no?

Summercamping Tue 25-Feb-20 20:40:19

Just explain you can't do it as often as you have things to do, and you can leave your children with your family but obviously not hers. She will have to sort something else out. And don't apologise!

TorkTorkBam Tue 25-Feb-20 20:40:41

I can't really say no when she knows I'm available

Shit, I'm sitting at the kitchen table mucking about on MN. Does that mean I have to do any favour any other person wants?

Yes you can say no. She said no. You work PT so you can have family time I expect. Yet you are lining her pockets by being her free childminder. Bollocks to that.

isthischeekyfuckeryorwhat Tue 25-Feb-20 20:42:56

I've stopped the after school childcare now as it was getting ridiculous, think not coming straight to collect due to going to after work drinks, that kind of thing.

But have had the odd before school slot of childcare.

And no I haven't said no. Bit difficult when DF knows I'm in. They drive past to go to work, get home.

pallisers Tue 25-Feb-20 20:43:41

she is taking advantage - this is all one-sided. I can't believe she got you to do before and after school care without payment, reciprocating or even a bottle of wine to say thanks.

Just say no OP to the next "favour". If she says "but you are there anyway/at home anyway/know how to do that" say sorry but I can't help - over and over. My guess is she'll move on to someone else to exploit.

Candyfloss99 Tue 25-Feb-20 20:44:29

You can say no I'm too tired. No I need to go to the supermarket. No I can't. No I don't want to tonight. Or just no. Of course you can say no.

kimmyst Tue 25-Feb-20 20:45:07

I would tell her that the arrangements aren't working for you anymore, so will not be able to help as much anymore. I think it's so rude not saying thank you at least! My Sister in law collects my daughter & her son from school once a week, and I thank her every time & often treat her as it's doing me a massive favour! I would feel like I was being taken advantage of to be honest.

Ohyesiam Tue 25-Feb-20 20:45:33

I do think you’re being unreasonable to think about ending a 20 tweets friendship when you could just have a quick conversation about how it isn’t working for you and you need to stop or Scale back.
You can definitely say no for whatever reason ( or no reason).

OurChristmasMiracle Tue 25-Feb-20 20:46:22

Tell her unfortunately you need your evenings free for errands and to spend with family so you won’t be able to look after her child.

isthischeekyfuckeryorwhat Tue 25-Feb-20 20:46:21

Yes you can say no. She said no. You work PT so you can have family time I expect. Yet you are lining her pockets by being her free childminder. Bollocks to that.

This is exactly how I feel.

And yes I work PT for family time and so that I'm not making a complete mess of my job or parenting. I can't do both without breathing space at the moment. It's just how I am.

LolaSmiles Tue 25-Feb-20 20:48:24

YANBU to think she's taking a lend and expectating too much.
YABU to pull back from a 20 year friendship over it.

I fear this is one of those AIBU where a friendly but honest conversation is the obvious solution.

Cherrysoup Tue 25-Feb-20 20:49:16

Just say you’re unavailable, you want to have time with just your dc, your mum has invited herself for tea, you have a migraine, whatever. Stop letting her take advantage. Going for after work drinks knowing you have her dd is serious piss taking.

isthischeekyfuckeryorwhat Tue 25-Feb-20 20:55:43

Don't want to drip feed but DF had additional childcare vouchers due to DC stopping after school childcare with registered child care provider.

She offered them to be used on my DC childcare account. And I pay her back. It ended up being a costly mistake for me as I was paying Childcare and her back.

Think this is what's done it for me tbh.

Dustarr73 Tue 25-Feb-20 20:57:26

So what if she knows if you are available.Doesnt mean you have to be available for her.

You need time to yourself,you are not her unpaid skivvy.

TorkTorkBam Tue 25-Feb-20 20:59:39

"Sorry, not convenient today"

"No, can't help, sorry."

See, no excuses. It isn't a negotiation. You don't have to explain why you don't want to sacrifice your family time. It does not matter to her. All that matters is that she has to make other arrangements. Frankly the reason why you are not available is irrelevant.

If she comments on your lack of availability say something like "I am protecting my time much more carefully. You know, I am sacrificing a lot in wages to be part time. I feel the need to maximise my quality time or I might as well go back to work FT."

managedmis Tue 25-Feb-20 21:03:08

Why are there so many pushovers on MN?! Just say no

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