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AIBU- selfish horrible teenagers

(48 Posts)
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream Tue 25-Feb-20 11:10:14

AIBU to have just had a right go at my two adult sons?
Sat here in tears- I had a thyroidectomy three days ago, stayed in hospital overnight and under strict instructions to do nothing for two weeks other than move about regularly to avoid DVT.
DH was going to take a few days off this week to look after me but I told him not to as our 18 and 21 year old sons are around this week to help out, and I'm not bedridden. I am spending a fair amount of time in bed though as I feel pretty horrendous.
Well, the two boys have been spectacularly unhelpful. It has been spelled out to them that I have had major surgery and could they help out, which they both happily agreed to, unfortunately they haven't actually done anything.
One of them managed to make me a cup of tea and a bacon sandwich yesterday (only after I asked), and after a bit of nagging the other one did 5 minutes of hoovering and washing up.
Today, they seem to have completely forgotten about me altogether, no offers of tea, the eldest made himself eggs on toast, no thought of offering me anything. He did manage to let the dogs escape upstairs to leap all over me, so I had to round them up.
I asked the younger one to take the dogs out yesterday, which he declined as he has a sore foot. hmm
Today I asked the elder one to please take the dogs out, and was met with 'No, I'm going to the gym'
Well that was the last straw. I burst into tears and ranted and raved at them, calling them selfish bastards who never think of anyone but themselves. I told them in no uncertain terms what i expect done today and told them to sort it out amongst themselves. I also sent the eldest a passive aggressive text wondering if he enjoyed his breakfast. They are both repentant now and getting on with some jobs.
I feel a bit childish now. AIBU to have lost my rag with them?
By the way I have tried to bring them up to be caring, helpful individuals, it just doesn't seem to have worked very well. confused

messolini9 Tue 25-Feb-20 11:27:06

I feel a bit childish now. AIBU to have lost my rag with them?

Absolutely YANBU, & I would have DH read the riot act to them as well tonight, letting them know how disappointed you are with their lack of empathy & concern.

& keep doing it! - before they grow into the kind of partners who women write despairingly of on here.

StillCounting123 Tue 25-Feb-20 11:30:31

Get well soon, OP!!

Maybe writing them a list of what needs done and when would help? Include "make mum breakfast, lunch and dinner" if you want.

You're not wrong to feel emotional and upset with them, I would be too. So YANBU.

Tvtvtv Tue 25-Feb-20 11:35:30

I’d be telling them that they can find themselves somewhere else to live at the end of the month.

They’re adults and unless they have SEN it should be common decency to be offering you drinks/food/helping out without the need of a list. They’ve had it too comfortable and now they need to become adults.

At 18 I was working and helping out my grandparents every other weekend. Nobody had to write me a list, I was able to use common sense to pop down to the shops to meal plan, make decent lunches/dinner, keep the house in order and make the time pleasant as possible.

Your son believes going to the gym is more important than you. Hopefully that’s immaturity and a dose of adulthood should cure that.

Theworldisfullofgs Tue 25-Feb-20 11:35:46

To be honest, I dont think it does them any harm occasionally.
Teenagers are often inherently selfish but only one of them is a teenager.

Write them a list. Tell them it's part of living at home and being a family.

misskatamari Tue 25-Feb-20 11:36:20

YANBU at all. Hopefully it's a big kick up the arse for them. Teenagers can be selfish, but they're grown ups now, and have agreed to help out, so they need to pull their fingers out and actually do it. I hope you feel better soon x

AryaStarkWolf Tue 25-Feb-20 11:36:52

ah you poor thing, you were dead right to lose it with them, so selfish and uncaring of them. I hope it has sunk in with them and they start to look after you better. get well soon

Bringringbring12 Tue 25-Feb-20 11:37:46

If your sons have otherwise never done anything like this before ie looked after anyone, then before your DH returned to work a plan should have been put together

Son a does breakfast son b tidies son a takes dogs out, son b does lunch etc etc

Tvtvtv Tue 25-Feb-20 11:37:52

This has enraged me.

It’s not like you’ve insisted that they polish the 100 piece dinner set. They’re meant to be taking care of you and they couldn’t be bothered to put on another egg and bread into the toaster? Piss poor. Make them move out and understand what goes into making a house or they’re going to end up as cocklodgers to some other poor woman one day.

Bringringbring12 Tue 25-Feb-20 11:38:33

A mother sending passcode aggressive texts to her 16 year old son is unhelpful and plain odd

ChanChanChan Tue 25-Feb-20 11:41:05

YANBU OP. Hope you get better flowers

Perhaps a list of chores, and a bollocking from your DH as well, for the of the week?

Bringringbring12 Tue 25-Feb-20 11:41:37


Bringringbring12 Tue 25-Feb-20 11:42:21

Sorry I meant 18

LangSpartacusCleg Tue 25-Feb-20 11:43:00

Sometimes you need to lose your shit to get people’s attention.

Don’t feel bad.

OtherVoicesOtherRooms Tue 25-Feb-20 11:43:03

Sounds like they have never taken responsibility for anything in their bone idle lives.
Or anyone but themselves for that matter.

Write list of daily tasks you usually do and tell the three of them that they need to make sure everything is done. When you're better let them carry on.

YANBU they are lazy.

mantarays Tue 25-Feb-20 11:44:26

Good for you. It’s a life lesson: treat people like crap and they will ultimately be angry and hurt.

AllPointsNorth Tue 25-Feb-20 11:44:51

Continue being explicit, they need the instructions! Mine are adult too, with ASD and they’ve looked after me magnificently on the several occasions when I’ve been ill. They did need to be actively told, but there was no grumbling or refusal.
When you’ve recovered, they obviously need more practise in thinking of others, so continue expecting them to be practically helpful.
Yes, I’d have been pissed off!

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream Tue 25-Feb-20 11:51:16

Thank you everyone, I feel better now. Bring it was the 21 yr old I texted. Why is it odd?
It's just fucking disappointing that they are so bloody self centred. All their lives I have tried to instill in them to think about other people, they haven't been spoilt or indulged but I've always tried to help and support them.
The 21 yr old in particular should have grown up a bit by now, surely.
Well, they're not getting away with it, I'll be damned if I'm going to unleash a pair of lazy, thoughtless, misogynistic feckers into society!

Whatisthisfuckery Tue 25-Feb-20 11:53:28

That is piss poor OP. Even my 12 year old DS offers me a brew at least once a day. He’s always been expected to help out though, so frequently puts the hoover round without being asked. He’s not hit puberty yet though so I’m not counting my chickens yet.

I think you need to get your DH on board, read them the riot act and give them a list of stuff that needs doing. Let them squabble between themselves about who does it but it needs to be done. Then I think you need to let go and stop doing all the stuff I assume you do for them. They’re big boys now, they should be learning to look after themselves and contribute to looking after their home.

I’ve always told DS I’m not raising him to be another woman’s burden one day.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes Tue 25-Feb-20 11:57:27

YANBU! I cried the other day when I was ill, both dh and 4 dc’s at home and I didn’t get offered so much as a cup of tea! I rang dd14 who was in her room to ask for one (as she’s the only one who makes a decent cuppa!) and she very reluctantly brought me a cup.

Dh did then feel a bit guilty I think and brought me a sandwich and another cuppa but I always feel like he’s so loathe to do it, huffing and puffing etc. I spent all day yesterday sorting out the shit-tip of a house which was a result of me being in bed for one day.

The problem is they just don’t get what we actually do for them, they think it’s done by some kind of invisible fairy.
I sympathise. Hope you’re feeling better soon grin

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream Tue 25-Feb-20 11:59:02

My DH is firmly on board and has already sent them some strongly worded texts and is going to be 'speaking' to them tonight.
Can I just say I really appreciate the wonderful down to earth advice given by the lovely ladies (and sometimes men) of Mumsnet.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes Tue 25-Feb-20 11:59:27

Sorry that was meant to be flowers not grin

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream Tue 25-Feb-20 12:01:00

bette I think you need to have a bit of a shout up at your lazy lot too biscuitthanks

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream Tue 25-Feb-20 12:01:58

And mine was meant to be just thanks notbiscuitthanks. blush

Kaykay066 Tue 25-Feb-20 12:03:13

Aw that is horrible, as a mum of 4 boys I would hope mine would look after me too but the older 2 are lazy gits at times but would make me a cuppa if I asked. Why are they both home and not at uni/working etc? My son got half term off college he’s 18 and his room was gross after a few days I then switched off the internet to their devices that helped and then I cried am sick of being their maid.

My sister also had a thyroid removal and lymph nodes had drains in etc due to cancer so I know what a horrible op it is and how exhausted you’ll be for the next while (I have no thyroid) anyway I don’t know how to get adult boys to help you but I hope someone else has some ideas 💡 take care of yourself and have your husband have words with the boys (am a single mum so no dad to do same for me sadly)

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